What the... ?

Weird and wonderful things are happening to me right now and I can't really make sense of them...

Tonight I arrived half an hour early for a dinner out with 4 friends. I sat in the restaurant (Thai) and ordered a cup of jasmine tea while I waited. The waiter brought the usual complimentary basket of prawn crackers to the table and I felt a sense of dread... surely the basket would never survive the 30 minute wait? And if by any miracle it did, I would undoubtedly spend each and every second of those 30 minutes obsessing over the crackers, eyeing them, salivating over them and feeling utterly deprived?

40 minutes later, the first friend arrived, and I realised the basket was still there, still intact except for one cracker I had eaten 20 minutes before and I had completely forgotten about it!

Then as the other friends arrived, someone ordered a bottle of wine and poured us all a glass. Usually that's my cue to down the glass in 2 minutes tops and proceed to finish off the bottle. It is impossible for me to make a glass of wine last for a whole meal. I drink compulsively. Yet, even after waiting 20 minutes to be served, it was still there and I took my last sip as I ate my final bite, leaving several pieces of meat on the plate - and I didn't even have any rice!

All this is so absolutely unusual - scrap that, unheard of, that I have been feeling puzzled by it all evening.
I really have stopped fighting myself! Food is no longer the enemy! I just feel so strange, like a part of me I've been living with for years just up and went. And I didn't even realise it had gone until this very moment. But it has gone, and has been gone since before I even started WW almost 5 weeks ago.

I can vividly remember how obsessed I could feel in the presence - or even in the absence - of food. I remember the panicky feeling at not being allowed to stuff everything into my mouth there and then, the sweaty palms as I wondered if I'd waited a decent amount of time before reaching out for another crisp, the constant image of food overpowering any other thought in my mind... and no matter how hard I try, I can't bring that feeling back. And no, I don't want it back! Not ever! But it's so hard to believe it's actually gone, and not just hiding around a corner, waiting to jump out at me and overpower me once again.

Damn, I hope it's gone forever.

1 comment:

Shaz said...

How fantastic you must be feeling right now!

What a massive step you have taken.


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