One year on...

...and I'm about to become a mummy for the second time. Baby is due on February 12th. We don't know yet if it's a boy or a girl as it was crossing its legs at the 5 month scan last week. I think it's a boy again :)

Jack has just started walking on his own and he's so funny, wobbling his way accross the room, looking so proud and looking at us for encouragement and confirmation of his feats :)

The past year has been easy and hard at the same time. Easy because we've been really lucky with Jack. He sleeps really well (12 hours a night since he was 5-6 months old and only waking up to feed before that) and eats like a little ogre. He even feeds himself with a spoon, which is so cute and also means I can eat a meal at the same time as him now instead of gulping down food in between feeding him spoonfuls.

Hard because there's no denying that having a little man at home means getting up when he wakes up, making his meals at regular intervals, changing him, entertaining him (a lot) and planning things around his schedule most of the time so he gets enough food and rest. And being the person I am, routine is just something I need to be able to escape from or I go nutty.

I've been working mostly from home for the past year, with some time spent at my clients' offices or in meetings. Money-wise I've taken a big cut in income, earning less than half what I used to. I just can't fill my days with loose jobs, and right now going back to taking on full-time assignments just isn't an option. I need... I want the flexibility of being able to stay home when Jack's sick and pick him up from daycare at a reasonable hour. And with Baby2 on its way I've even decided to give up work for 6 months next year because the whole breastfeeding/pumping thing I did with Jack was just too much hassle and because the amount of time he was off sick meant it just wasn't worth putting him in daycare that young.

I'm hoping that being in contact with Jack will mean Baby2 gets used to other kids and hopefully catches all the germs going round so by the time he/she starts daycare there will be less days off and more time for me to get back to work.

So another 2 months to go and I'm off work. I'm looking forward to not having to turn my computer on, having time to prepare for Baby2's arrival, playing with Jack, going out for walks when the weather's nice, seeing all my friends, several of whom will have babies of their own by then and then after that taking care of Baby2.

I'm looking forward to him/her being here in a way I wasn't with Jack. First time around I was really taking every day as it came, enjoying the pregnancy, discovering all the new stages, preparing for a big unknown. This time I know more or less what to expect and there's a lot less apprehension and a lot more impatience ;)

Planning-wise the idea is to do what we did with Jack and keep Baby2 in our room the first 5 or 6 months, then have them share a room. I'm not sure yet if we're going to use Jack's bedroom or move them both to the office and move the office into Jack's (much smaller) room. And we're also discussing buying a house with a garden. I'm so undecided. Pros are of course the garden, and being in a quieter neighbourhood, having an extra room/bedroom (although I'd like them to share while they're young) and no more rickety lift. Cons are finding a nice place, renovation work that will undoubtedly be needed in our budget range, stairs to negotiate, selling this place in the current market, moving... Sigh.

And then there's our idea of going to New Zealand next winter for a few months. Which would have to wait or be severely reduced in length if we bought a place next year.

Oh and weight-wise, well I ended up putting on 8 kg when I stopped breastfeeding (big bummer after managing to lose all the pregnancy weight directly after giving birth), a consequence of being allowed to drink again and keeping up the (bad) eating pattern I'd developped while breastfeeding, aka an extra 2 or 3 biscuits and chocolate a day. In April I decided to start losing again and was down 3kg when I got pregnant again (which was wanted but kind of a spur-of-the moment decision ;)). 24 weeks on and I've put on 2kg so far and am really trying to keep my weight steady. Some days I succeed better than others.

I've just signed Jack up for baby swimming classes, starting next Saturday, so that'll be a nice activity for us to do together. Yesterday we went to a park with an animal farm and Jack had a great time feeding chicory leaves to the donkey, lama, goats and rabbits. He also went on a swing for the first time and loved it so much he didn't want to get off after 10 minutes and kicked up a fuss when we pulled him off it so another little girl could have her turn. Wee man :)

33 weeks pregnant

Pregnancy insomnia is one of the only things I can complain about right now.
Everything else is going absolutely perfectly. So I thought I'd take advantage of being up this early to finally update my blog.

At our scan yesterday we got to take another peek at baby, who is head down (good news!), developing well and most definitely a boy. Another month and a half to go before due date, and reality is finally starting to sink in.

Work in the apartment is almost finished, but there's still a lot to do. The electricity has been replaced, an unpleasant but necessary intervention, and baby's room just needs a coat of paint and we can start furnishing it. The rest of the place looks like a complete dump, with furniture, books and other bits and pieces piled everywhere, and dust coating half of it. No use cleaning until everything's finished and we're leaving on holiday next Saturday so it's a bit of a pain.

In the meantime, I've just about stopped working, apart from the odd job from home and a few client meetings. As of next week I'm officially on holiday/maternity leave.

Last week I finalised the design of the birth cards and I'm really excited about the result - I think they look amazing and am so glad we'll have made them ourselves as I couldn't find anything I really liked in the shops.

Weight-wise I'm now 7kg/15lbs heavier than at the start of my pregnancy, which I feel is pretty decent and hope to be able to keep under control in the last weeks.
I've been having a hard time finding a balance, not being on WW anymore, between allowing myself a bit more and going completely overboard. I've gotten into the (bad) habit of having at least a couple of biscuits and a piece of chocolate every day... something that has to stop as quickly as possible. I'm trying to be more strict already and limit my weight gain and the baby's for the last few weeks so I don't have to give birth to a whale - especially as my ob-gyn seems to be taking some kind of sadistic pleasure in telling me baby is "in danger of being bigger than average".

On a positive note, I've been going swimming once a week with a pregnant friend and really enjoying the exercise. And the hotel we're staying at next week has a pool too. I bought a really practical pregnancy swimsuit and am glad I'm getting so much use out of it :)

This weekend we picked up all the baby stuff I bought second hand off a friend. Still can't believe a little baby needs so many things! I'm now really looking forward to decorating the baby room. Hope the result is as nice as I imagine it.

Not much other news, but I will try and update again before baby arrives. I might even get round to taking a picture of the belly :)

It's a boy!

Our 5 week scan yesterday revealed the long-awaited news of the baby's sex, and it's a boy!
A little strange to me as I was expecting it to be a girl. Boys just seem like an alien life form and I think I felt more comfortable with the idea it was a girl, but I'm still thrilled.

And all else is well: brain, heart and kidneys are the right size and shape and in the right place.

We also got to see the cutest images of his face in 3D, although the stills are nowhere near as impressive as the moving images were:

It's just so amazingly beautiful... I can hardly believe it's really growing inside of me :)

I am now almost 23 weeks pregnant and baby is estimated to weigh about 600 g / 1.3 lbs.

As for, me, I've gained 4.3 kg / 9.4 lbs since we conceived, which is still the bottom of the pregnancy weight chart, but the challenge will be to keep the numbers down for the next 4 months.

This is the chart I've been using as a reference:

24 lbs (their "low" weight gain at full-term) seems like a lot of weight to put on, so I hope I can stay under that.

All else is going really well with the pregnancy, still no complaints really which is so lucky when I see how difficult some of my friends' pregnancies are or were.

I changed jobs a couple of weeks ago, which wasn't foreseen as the contract at the previous place was supposed to go on till the end of June, but they had to put an end to it due to their client cutting budgets in half.

Luckily I found another position the very same day, this time closer to home, with public transport access and I also negotiated a better day rate. On the down side it is much more demanding and the hours tend to be longer, so I haven't been getting much rest these past two weeks and desperately need some down time to relax.

Hopefully once I get into the project it'll be easier to plan in some time off (I'm supposed to be working 4 days out of 5 but so far have only managed to take a couple of hours off!).

That's all the news for now - I'm off to continue looking for the perfect name now we know it's a boy :)

Chocolate eclairs and a heartbeat

Another doctor's visit today, so we got to hear baby's heartbeat, nice and strong.
Mine on the other hand is apparently not beating as rhythmically as it should, so I've been referred to the cardiologist for some tests. I don't expect it to be anything serious as I've noticed it has a weird beat for a long time and have never felt ill from it.

The scales showed a 1 kg / 2 lb gain, so I need to keep my eating in check. Which won't be happening today as I indulged in a chocolate eclair (mmmmnomnom), had lunch at a Thai restaurant with friends and am eating out again tonight. Thankfully I am not drinking alcohol, or I would really be in trouble.

Still sniffling with a cold that I can't seem to shake. Hope it disappears soon as it's stopping me from sleeping properly. I took a sick day off work on Tuesday as there was really not much work and I felt crap. Before I'd have gone into work anyway, as I needed to be on the verge of dying before I felt I had the right to a sick day, but now it's much easier as the only consequence is I don't get paid, so I don't feel as guilty when I decide I'm not well enough to work.

The only further exciting news (everything's relative...) is that Bart and I finally sat down and looked through names to try and decide which ones we liked. Boys' names are so difficult and we definitely don't like the same stuff (I'm into Noah, Lucas and Jonas whereas Bart is more of a Victor, Nick and Jack fan). We have about 5 girls' names we both like, so I think we'll be okay there. I have no idea how to decide which one it will be though. I guess we'll try them out on the bump once we know what it is and see which one sticks.

Smother-in-law time again

Dinner at the in-law's tonight, wish me luck as I am already stressed out at the idea of Bart's mother clucking around me and reaching for my (still inexistant) bump at every possible occasion, and every other well-meant annoying remark she can make...

On a positive note, we have found a daycare centre just around the corner from where we live, I can walk there every morning to drop bub off and again in the evening.

I'm going to try and work from home after bub is born. I hope I can find a few more clients to work for directly, no more ad agencies. I have calculated that right now I am working 44 hours a week (including drive to work) and I could earn the same working from home in only 24 hours a week (higher rates, lower costs and no commute). Right now it makes sense to have a more stable income with bub on the way, but later on I want the extra freedom of being my own boss completely instead of just a "hired help".

Other than that, I had a really bad cold last weekend, pinned to my bed for a couple of days, and am now left with the permanent sniffles and a blocked nose. Ugh.

Still being very good food-wise, although my apetite seems to have increased this week - I had 2 bowls of cereal for breakfast most days!. But managed to not overdo it I think as I'm still aiming to stay the same weight as long as possible. Luckily I'm craving fruit, milk and yoghurt so it's still fairly healthy.

I've made a list of all the work that has to be done in our apartment before bub arrives and need to start contacting contractors next week to get quotes. It's going to be financially painful, but necessary. In the long run I think it will increase the value of our place too.

That's all for now, mother-in-law calls...

Finally, an update

Well, where to begin? I suppose I should explain the reason for my long absence, though it's quite easy to guess... Yep, I'm 13 weeks pregnant! I didn't want to jinx it all so wanted to avoid posting the news until the first trimester was safely behind us. As of yesterday we have visual proof that the baby is alive and well (and moving around like crazy, although I can't feel anything yet).

It still feels crazy and slightly hard to believe. Especially as we got pregnant straight away, which I wasn't expecting to happen - needless to say the father is extremely proud of himself ;). We got a positive pregnancy test on November 22nd, confirmed by a visit to the doctor and first short ultrasound on December 4th.

First ultrasound on Dec 4th, with heartbeat, 6w, 0.43 cm

Second ultrasound on Dec 19th, with heartbeat, 8w, 1.98 cm

 

Third ultrasound on January 23rd, 13w, 7.43 cm

Third ultrasound on January 23rd, in 3D, 13w

The images don't really do justice to the moving ones we saw on the screen, especially this last visit, where baby was jumping all around the place and hitting the walls with its hands, but it's amazing to see how quickly it grows. I can't believe how big it will be by the time it's ready to come out!

Weight-wise, I put on 2lbs the exact day I suppose I ovulated and/or conceived, and since then another 1lb, which is really decent. The doctor was happy with the result yesterday in any case. I'm hoping to keep weight gain down to a minimum, hopefully less than 5kg/10lbs, but we'll see how that goes once the (mild) nausea dies down and I regain my appetite!

In the meantime, we went on our trip to New Zealand, where we had an amazing time, with a big family Christmas (in the sun) and a stunning road trip round the South Island. I am so glad we escaped the snow here - though we very nearly didn't get away due to the Eurostar hell and our flights leaving from London. Luckily I was able to book us on a flight from Brussels to London as soon as I found out the trains were cancelled - a few hours later they were sold out. It looks like Eurostar will be compensating us for that now, so I'm so glad I made that decision. I'll rant about the absolutely dismal communication on their behalf some other time...

 Christmas Day in the bush with my sisters

Our hike on the Fox Glacier

Queenstown

We got back on Tuesday and I've been slowly recovering from the jetlag since then. Starting work again tomorrow, though it will be as a freelance still as I explained my situation before leaving on holiday and told them I wouldn't be signing a contract as after the birth I want to be able to work closer to home. So it's all working out the way I wanted it to on that front too :)

The 'who's going to raise the children' question

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and even more so now we are actively trying to get pregnant.

I think back to my own childhood and all the great memories I have of playing outdoors with my sisters, baking flapjacks in the kitchen with mum, home-made cakes and biscuits for Christmas and birthdays, coming home from school to afternoon tea...
And I know that's the kind of life I want to be able to give my kid(s).

And I think that's what's frustrating me most right now: I can't accept the idea of putting my 3 month old baby into daycare (cause that's all the maternity leave you get here in Belgium) and seeing it no more than an hour every morning and evening - just enough time to wash, change clothes, feed and put to sleep (cause that's all that's left over when you work a 9 to 6 job in advertising).

I'd love to find a job that would allow me to either work from home or be home around 4 every day or work only 3 days a week, and still allow me to earn enough to cover the costs. It's not that I want to stop work altogether, and I think it's a good idea for any kid to spend some amount of time in daycare with other children, it's just that finding a job that meets both the time and money requirements is a hell of a lot harder than it should be.

This country has resolutely chosen a parenting model that stimulates mothers to remain active professionally - daycare is tax deductible, you can work 4/5ths for a certain amount of time (15 months) after your child is born (but I'll immediately add that most companies in the advertising business subtely discourage it), you only get 3 months maternity leave. Well, that's fine for the women who place their career above their family (or who don't have a choice if they want to make ends meet), but what about the people who still believe that raising a child is already in itself almost a full-time job and who want to do it themselves instead of leaving it up to government-funded strangers?

Other countries have taken a different approach and see motherhood (and to some extent fatherhood) as jobs in their own right. They put in place structures that enable parents to work less hours and spend more time raising their kids. The job market in those countries is full of part-time positions and prospective employers don't look at you like dirt if you happen to enquire about the possibility of working less hours.

I've done the maths and I know we can live decently if I only work 3 days a week, providing I keep the same day rate as I'm charging now. The major issue is that as a freelance I can't choose the days I work, and most projects are full-time, even if they only last 2 or 3 weeks at a time. So there's no way I can decide to only work 3 - fixed - days a week and still hope to get projects. And I can't just decide to put my kid into daycare some weeks and not others, cause daycare centers don't work that way. Part-time jobs are almost inexistant - most of the positions that would fit my profile are more likely to pay you for 37 hours a week and expect 50 - and any job that would allow me to work part-time is likely to pay so bad I'd be better off on unemployment benefits.

This is totally, absolutely frustrating me. And I'm pissed off at a government, country and society that has made decisions that impact my life so much. And my freedom of choice when it comes to how big a part I want to play in raising my kids.

Oh, and if I hear one more person saying "well, that's how everyone else does it", I'll cram something down their throat. It isn't because this country is packed full of frustrated, overworked, over-stressed mothers that I have to become one of them.

Babies and work (part 2)

Since my previous post where I vented my doubts about becoming a parent, I've had some more ups and downs, moments of decision and indecision, excitement and anxiety.

Surprising (to me at least) was just how much I'm worrying about the financial/time implications of having a baby. I'm really anxious about combining work and parenting, and I refuse to become one of those permanently stressed people I see all around me, running on 5 hours sleep a night, racing from daycare to work, battling to leave work on time to pick baby up, not having the time to actually enjoy quality time together, barely surviving the week and constantly over-tired, over-stressed, over-worked.

And at the same time I've accepted the job offer I got (see this post) only to realise after the first few hours there yesterday that life/work balance was definitely not a priority on their agenda. The girl I'd be replacing is actually an ex-colleague (from far, never actually talked to her till yesterday) and she gave me the low-down on the work ethics (working till 4 a.m., unpaid weekend work, budget restrictions - aka doing everything yourself so the bosses make more money, impossible client...). I'm already stressed at the idea of having to deal with all those situations, even though my resolution is to set limits and not let them put me under pressure, but I'm expecting it to be hell. In which case I'll be telling them "thanks, but no thanks" by the end of December.

So my existential questions are far from being resolved, but at the same time I'm feeling restless and impatient to get started on the baby front. Maybe a bit paradoxically, I can't wait to move on to the next chapter of our life and I'm really looking forward to seeing Bart hold our baby in his arms. I'm sure he's going to be an amazing dad and I'm looking forward to having him by my side to share this experience with.

Okay, so trying to be rational here: I still have time to sort out the work situation, I'm not married to this new job - far from, and there have to be jobs out there that will allow me to spend time with my kid and still stay active and earn enough money to pay my share of the costs. Right?

Oh crap (more dilemmas)

Okay, so I've been offered a job today. Not freelancing, but a fixed contract. It's in an agency, working on a neat project, a kind of monthly magazine for a big supermarket chain. It's almost more of an editorial role than account management, and I like the sound of the project.

I met the account director 2 weeks ago, then the company's partners last week, and they asked me to come in today to make me an offer.

So the offer is: freelance part-time till xmas (cause I have other ongoing projects), then I go on holiday for a month, then full-time fixed contract when I get back.

The money's good (20% better than previous job), the people all seem really nice and open and I like the project. The downsides are: not having the luxury of days off between projects like I have now, and they're in a different city. Minimum 35 minutes away, but in morning and evening traffic more like 1 hour or more. Ugh! I hate, hate, HATE traffic and the impression I'm wasting my life in my car. They're quite flexible, so I can work from home in the mornings and stuff like that, but getting home in the evenings is not going to be fun.

I became a freelance cause I needed a break from my previous job (evil, evil people and waaaay too much pressure) and because I didn't know what I wanted to do. Now it seems I'm just doing what I did before, except for different clients and agencies, with the added paperwork. So I'm not against the idea of going back to a fixed contract, but wasn't expecting the opportunity to present itself so soon.

Anyway, I need to give them an answer tomorrow and I'm in another fit of anxiety over having to decide. I hate being put in front of life-changing decisions and right now I'm having more than my share (I know, most people would kill to be in my position, it's a luxury problem, yadda, yadda, I still feel crap about it).

Week 36 WI

I don't know what came over me last week, but I was on fire!
I didn't have a single craving and as a consequence didn't eat anything outside of mealtimes, had 3 healthy meals a day and was actually under points almost every day!
I played badminton, cycled and walked, earning 16 bonus points.
I actually saved a total of 28 points last week!!

Totally chuffed at myself for doing so well, though I am slightly disappointed that the scales only show a 0.6 kg / 1.3 lbs loss. But I know I must be happy with that and need to realise I'm in this for the long haul, so as long as I get there in the end it doesn't matter how long it takes.

Oh, and I didn't have any alcohol. Despite eating out twice :)

My updated results are:
Loss this week: - 0.6 kg / - 1.3 lbs
Total loss so far: - 13.5 kg / - 29.8 lbs

I am actually "this" close to the 1/3 way mark, almost 30 lbs gone, 60 to go.

Having said that, I started working again full-time yesterday for a 6-week contract, and today was quite stressful, so I had a bowl of cereals after dinner that I wasn't hungry for. I hope I can keep it under control, and will try my best to, but I'm a bit worried nevertheless.

Week 35 WI

I don't know about the biggest loser, but how about the slowest loser? Grrr... Only a measly 0.2 kg / 0.4 lbs off this week despite my best efforts. I really expected to lose more as I had an amazing week: on points - despite eating out 5 times, no snacking, very little alcohol (2 mojito, half a glass of wine and a glass of ouzo), lots of walking, exercise bike and badminton. Apparently my extra kilos have decided they aren't going to give up without a fight. O yay!

Updated results are:
This week's loss: - 0.2 kg / - 0.4 lbs
Total loss so far: -12.9 kg / - 28.4 lbs

If there is any justice in this world, I will have a massive loss next week :p
In the meantime, I'm glad I seem to have found my mojo and haven't had to fight any cravings lately - I put that down to almost completely eliminating refined carbs.

On another note, I have a meeting today with an agency about a job - 5 weeks from the end of August working on some of their projects. I really, really hope it goes well and I get it. Then I can stop worrying about money for a few more months :)

Hope everyone has a fab week. Look forward to reading all your updates!

Panic attack

I'm getting myself worked up into what could easily turn into a full-blown panic attack, and I need to do something about it. For now, I'll let some steam off here, and if that doesn't work, I'll have to attack the mojito's.

I don't know why all of a sudden the workless / work-free situation is feeling unbearable, but I have suddenly gone from feeling wonderful about it to being overwhelmed by a feeling of impending doom.

3 months ago, I started working with a woman, S, on a project for a mutual client. She was really enthusiastic at the prospect of us working together and wanted me to be part of her project to start up her own communication agency. We talked about it a few times, she wanted me to be her partner in the business, but could I meet with the two silent partners who were financing it all to discuss it with them? So I met with them and talked and decided I wasn't ready to give them the long-term commitment they expected, and my address book wasn't interesting enough for the prospection role they envisioned. So we decided I would work with S on a project basis, as a freelance, while she was expanding her business.

Now this was all fine by me, but the thing is, she's been stringing me along with vague promises of work for the past 2 months now, and I still haven't gotten a single job out of her. First she was going to hand some projects over to me during her holidays; then she left on holiday and there wasn't really anything for me to follow up, but she'd be in touch when she got back; then she dropped me a mail to say she was back but busy and would contact me the week after to discuss a new project; then she was sick and it would have to wait another week. And yesterday she emailed to say she would only know in two weeks' time if she'd secured the contract for the project she wants me to work on.

In the meantime, I haven't been actively seeking other work as a project manager, partly because it's the holidays and there's not a lot happening, but partly also because I've been keeping myself free for the work she's been dangling in front of me. And it's starting to dawn on me that it really isn't in my own best interest to approach it that way.
Meanwhile, S is persuaded we're not only going to work together, but I'll actually work exclusively for her as far as project management is concerned. She's been really enthusiastic about our collaboration, and I believe she is sincere, but she is really only looking out for herself - and I can't blame her. However, I need to start looking out for me... and that means looking for work elsewhere. And if I find something and can't work for her, then so be it. The problem is I just hate being the heartless, tough, businesswoman, and I'm stuck in trying-to-please mode again.

And then there's the other half of my freelance business: translation work. And there I've been quite actively prospecting new clients, answering ads, creating profiles on translation sites and responding to tenders... So far, so good, except I've come to the conclusion that the rates people expect you to charge and the rates you expect to get paid are about as far apart as I am from my ideal weight. I just can't believe the nerve of people (translation agencies, mostly) who expect you to work for such ludicrously low amounts. Nobody can survive on that. I used to earn more as a teenager, babysitting for the neighbours! Anyway, I nevertheless took on a few of the less badly paid assignments, but they are few and far between. Also, the level of proficiency that is expected in really specialised fields is ridiculous. Like no one's ever heard of a learning curve.

I just got asked for a quote on a job translating a ridiculous 93 words, and when I told them my minimum rate was 15 euro (most agencies have a minimum invoice amount of 27 euro or more), got told that was "waaaay over budget" and they preferred to look for someone else to do the job. So I asked what their budget was and didn't get a reply. These people can't be for real? Of course with the globalisation of the industry, they'll probably find a kid in India to do the job for the equivalent of 2 euro... and I really don't even want to compete with that.

I know this all sounds really bleak, but the thing is I am (or was) totally confident about working as a freelance. I still think I can do it, but I've got to stop sitting around waiting for S to give me the work she's been promising me. I've got to toughen up and accept that I might need to tell her I have other obligations when she finally decides to give me work.

So tomorrow I'll be sending some emails and contacting some interim agencies to see if I can get some work in the short term. Cause as much as I've been enjoying the time at home and the lack of stress of the past few months, I still need to earn a living, and that's not going to happen by just sitting on my ass waiting for the phone to ring...

Out of the snake pit and into the fire

This week was my last week at work.
I'm having a lot of mixed feelings about it and feeling quite unsettled.
I should feel nothing but relief at it all being over, but it's actually left me with a bitter taste in my mouth and a nagging feeling I can't quite put my finger on.

First of all, tensions at work have been at an all-time high. My boss's wife and my boss have been conspiring to get a colleague fired. The 2 other managers intervened to insist they give her feedback on exactly why they weren't happy with her work first. Seeing as it's all a witch hunt and there's nothing wrong with her work, I'm not sure how they're going to handle that.

Then, the very same day, the colleague in question sent in an official request to work 4/5th, which she is legally entitled to as a mother of 2 young children. The boss exploded and gave her hell for sending in the request by registered mail instead of coming to see him about it first - so he could pressure her out of it, no doubt. He feels working 4/5th is incompatible with her level of responsibility and apparently mentioned "how difficult it was with Sara (me) working part-time". Ass-wipe. I've gone above and beyond to accommodate meetings, conference calls and work, shifting my schedule as necessary, taking time out of my days off to call in to several conference calls... The guy just refuses to see that we are all willing to make concessions - and he refuses to make any. He also twists reality to suit him whenever he wants to make a point in a discussion. He's done it so many times before it's amazing he still gets away with it almost every time.

On my last day, Thursday, I went to hand in my car and other stuff, and bumped into the HR/Finance Director, who invited me into his office for a chat. He said he would be interested in getting my thoughts on how the company was working - he is only involved from a distance, as we're an independent entity and the "mother company" provides us with HR and Financial support". So I told him. Everything. I said there were 2 main problems: poor people management and the boss's wife. And I gave numerous examples. I apologised for giving a negative opinion, but he assured me he found my input very objective. Apparently it confirms suspicions he already had. He was dead set against the boss's wife working with him as it is unethical. He wasn't the only one, but the boss eventually managed to convince the other shareholders. So my interview with the HR Director could mean trouble for them.

Then, after the meeting I cleaned out my desk and said goodbye to the few people who were in the office that day. We'd agreed I would come back next week for a goodbye lunch when more people were able to make it. I then went back Friday to pick up my official papers and bumped into one of my former clients - who still hadn't been informed by the boss that I was leaving, despite him assuring me he would do it before I left. I also bumped into the boss, who was in a foul mood and barely grunted in recognition when I said hello. A colleague then told me there had been a huge blow-out between yet another colleague and the boss's wife that morning, and that she'd been heard on the phone complaining to her husband and demanding he intervene. That had resulted in an argument between the boss and the colleague's direct superior. The atmosphere in the office was heavy to say the least.

When I got home, I received an email from another former client, asking me if I would be interested in doing the work I was doing for them before, but on a freelance basis. It's a huge project, one I'm familiar with and have managed several years in a row, but this would mean taking business away from my former employer - although there's a big chance that if I refuse, the client won't work with him anyway. But I know my ex-boss will consider me a traitor if I accept.

Then that night I had a really weird dream - I was with my 2 sisters, my mother and her husband (my stepfather) on a pier in a harbour. I was very upset and was trying to get away from my stepfather. He was naked and was somehow trying to convince me that it was normal. I locked myself in a bathroom, which was standing on the pier, only to realise it had glass walls. I was even more upset because I had just taken a shower and now realised my stepfather had seen everything. At this point, my sister - who was raised by our stepfather and mother while I lived with my father - apologised to me for not warning me that that was "just the way things were" and informed me there was a screen I could use to place in front of the shower next time. I looked down and realised I was sitting on the floor, cutting into my arms. At this point, I woke up, turned around in bed, coming face to face with Bart (asleep) and yelled out in shock.

I believe the interpretation of the dream lies in seeing my stepfather not as himself but as a "substitute father figure", aka my former boss. I obviousy feel like I have things to hide from him, because I have been talking to people behind his back, and feel threatened by him.

I am also thinking a lot about how I have always had a "controller" in my life. Someone with a huge influence on me that always bordered on abuse. First it was my father, then when I left home I got caught up in an incredibly unhealthy relationship with Bart who was emotionally abusive and cheated on me. Immediately after I found out and while we were trying to work things out, I started my job and found another controller in my new boss (and his wife).

Perhaps this goes some way to explaining why I'm feeling so unsettled and why I've been over-eating all week. I imagine these people to be like reference points in my life, people who have such a huge influence over my thoughts, feelings and actions that my whole life ends up gravitating around them. Remove the focal point and all of a sudden I feel lost, in the strangest way.
I need to dig deeper into this because there is of course a risk I am going to find a new controller to fill in the empty space my boss has left. Right now he's still doing his job, as I am creating scenarios where my actions will no doubt provoke a reaction on his behalf (my meeting with the HR Director, the contacts with my former clients, my involvement in my other colleagues' situations) but that won't last forever.

It's a strange realisation to come to, that I am attracting the very people who hurt me most, in order to perpetrate some unhealthy scheme I have been a part of since I was born.

My psychopathic boss

The more distance I take from work, the more amazed I am by just how manipulative and controlling my (soon to be former) boss is. I see my colleagues suffering time and time again from his flagrant lack of respect and vicious techniques.

I am starting to think I should document the multiple incidences that prove just how noxious he - and his wife - are.

Like the time a colleague dared to ask to work 4/5th, or at least a rhythm that would allow her to go home at 5 every day and pick her kids up from school, and the boss and his wife gave her the silent treatment for weeks afterwards. Other colleagues picked up on the vibes and avoided her too. Of course, I invited her out for lunch ;) When I got back to the office, I received a mail from the boss: "Have you just been to lunch with K.?".

I mean, WTF? My first reaction was guilt. What had I done? My immediate second reaction was indignation. Why wouldn't I be allowed to go to lunch with her?!? So I answered "Yes, why?". I have to highlight that by now most of us would have been making up excuses for our behaviour and asking for forgiveness, so my response was quite bold. At the time I had already identified a lot of his techniques and wasn't prepared to let him "get to me" any more. My response was what became a typical countering technique to neutralise his attacks.

I was told by him numerous times in the first year I worked there that I was "incapable of motivating a team", "a bad people manager", "didn't have any authority over my team members"... In the beginning, I would take the blow full-on, cry, recognise my inability and suggest receiving appropriate training. This was met with a "it's not something you learn, it's something that you either have or don't".

Then one day, I was called into his office after his wife (also my superior) "ratted" on me for not doing something to her high standards (without even confronting me about it first). I got the first degree, was told I was doing a crap job, demotivating everyone, bla, bla, bla. Then he said if it continued he would have to draw his conclusions and take me off the client. I snapped. At that moment I decided I wouldn't take the abuse any longer (and it was abuse: I was doing a great job. My clients all loved me. I was juggling more projects than anyone else. The only real problem was his wife's management style and expectations).
So I snapped, and replied: "Fine, take me off this client". His response was a shocked: "Where is your implication?!?". To which I replied: "If it means being treated like this, I'd rather quit. Now I'm going to get back to work and finish what I was busy with, and when you've made a decision, you can let me know whether or not I still work here. Because if it's really as bad as you make it sound, you should fire me.". He was speechless (lol). And from that day on I slowly took back some of the dignity and self-respect they had robbed me of.

I have seen so many colleagues suffer from similar humiliations and unjust accusations.
People work their asses off - easily working 50, 60 hours a week to get more than their fair share of work done - I've worked 80 hour weeks several times over the past 3 years - and instead of praise, they get blamed for the slightest thing they don't do absolutely, perfectly right.

The easiest victims are the ones who lack self-confidence. A couple of colleagues seem more immune to their games because they have a stronger sense of self-worth, but even they are cracked after a while - a really promising young colleague has been continuously refused a promotion because he's "not ready yet" and ends up believing he has no other options because no other company would want him. Where he gets that idea from is beyond me! He's one of the best people I've worked with and is already doing the job that the refused promotion requires of him. He deserves that title!

3 years ago, just after I arrived, we were promised that if we reached our quarterly target, we would be rewarded with a long weekend in Marrakesh. We worked our butts off for the next 3 months, went way over target, but the trip never came. The excuse? They couldn't find a date that would suit everybody.

They pulled the same trick the next year. And the year after that. We pulverised every target set for us. We got no reward. No bonus. Meagre pay rises given I am convinced solely to keep us quiet - I got a 5% pay rise after 2.5 years: peanuts.

Now, it's crisis and every pay rise that was promised last year has been put on hold, indefinitely.

On Thursday September 25th 2008 I couldn't get out of bed. I had been suffering from headache, backache, acid reflux, toothache due to clenching my jaws in my sleep, high blood pressure, stomach pains and panic attacks. I had been doing the job of 4 people due to poor holiday planning - they were all on holiday at the same time, all working on at least one project with me, I needed to cover for all of them. I had been pushing myself to my limit - again.
At 10.30 a.m. the first call came, there was a problem on a project, I needed to solve it. 2 hours later the second bomb dropped. I spent the rest of the day on the phone, behind my computer, worked from home to solve all the issues - this after having called in sick.
The next morning I went to work. I opened my mailbox to discover 120 new mails received between 8 p.m. the day before and 9.30 a.m. that morning - everyone was doing overtime. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for half an hour, packed my things and went home. On the Monday I resigned.

In 2 weeks' time I will close the door on this chapter of my professional life, on some great colleagues, almost a family, on clients I've built a bond with over the years and on my boss and his wife. I can relativise everything a lot more now, especially as I'm working part time, my workload has decreased tremendously and I know I'm on my way out. And I can't help wondering how someone can get away with treating people like that for so long. How the brilliant, young, talented people I work with manage to get dragged into his games and suffer them for years and yet not have the survival instinct to get out.

I think it's a combination of seeking acceptance and recognition, poor self-worth, low self-esteem and a certain cultural stoicism that explain why most of my colleagues are still there today.
There is also the fact that my boss is an extremely charismatic person, he can be charming and funny, he likes to go out, have a few drinks, act crazy with his employees. He is someone people look up to. People want to be like him and be liked by him. And I guess that's what gives him power over them.

I've started reading the book "Snakes in Suits: Psychopaths in the Workplace", and I hope it will provide me with some insight into how his mind works and make his tricks more transparent. I want to be able to recognise people like him next time I meet one, so I can steer clear of them.

I spent years as an adolescent living with an emotionally abusive father. I knew something was wrong but couldn't put my finger on it. The manipulations and the abuse is so subtle it's difficult to put it into words. I thought I was crazy. I minimised it. One day, years later, I was able to find a name for his "illness": NPD, narcissistic personality disorder, confirmed by his oncologist several years later, a few days before he passed away.

It took me months of therapy before his death to develop coping mechanisms, to learn to build a protective barrier between us and shield myself from his attacks. I thought I could control it. I thought I would be able to protect myself from it happening again, but it happened again anyway.

The one thing I learnt that saved me is to always respect yourself. Other people will only respect you as much as you respect yourself. Give an abusive person the opportunity to abuse you and they will. Let them get away with it and they will do it again, and again, and again. And every attack takes away a little part of you, a little piece of your self-worth, until you feel you deserve no better, until you become the useless, worthless person you see reflected in your abusers eyes.

Abusers are not used to resistance. And emotional abusers will usually back off from anyone who is capable of consistently resisting them. Having said that, my advice is, no matter how strong you are, get as far away from them as you can, as quickly as you can.

I'm going to London, baby!

So I just got off the phone from my interview with the teaching school I applied to in London, and the interview went well and the woman I spoke to said she would be happy to offer me a place on the course!

I do realise they're probably not all that picky about who they take on... I mean, they hold something like 50 courses a year, with 20 students per course, so they're obviously not super selective, but still, I'm really chuffed to know I can do it.

Just need to sort out the details now, but this means I should be going to London in March for about 5 weeks :)

It's a strange feeling actually, knowing that my routine world is going to be disrupted like that... I'm a creature of habit really, and going to live somewhere else for a month is quite exciting and a bit scary to be honest.

I am really looking forward to spending time in London, as I have been there on several occasions but have never gotten to know it as more than just a tourist. And I've got quite a few friends there, so no doubt I'll have a busy social life too!

Training, doubt and procrastination (again)

Yesterday I was thinking about a recruitment ad I saw for freelance English teachers at a language school and noticed they mentioned requiring a TEFL certificate. So I decided to look into how to obtain one and found a course in London which looks really interesting. It's a 1 month course and with the pound so low, works out quite cheap compared to other similar courses.

I'm thinking: if I can get a job giving trainings in English via one of the language schools in Brussels - a subject I obviously have an advantage in, it being my mother tongue - I can build up experience in training and move on to give other subjects that interest me maybe a bit more (the "personal development" subjects, like conflict management, assertive communication, etc).

So I took the plunge and sent off an application for the course. There's a 30 minute phone interview and if I'm accepted, hopefully I can get on the course that starts in March!!

Which also means I get to live in London for a month! I've got quite a few friends living there and one of them has already offered me a place to stay during the course, and I'm frankly quite excited about the whole idea :)

Bart on the other hand was a bit sceptical and put quite a damper on the whole project last night, saying he didn't see why I was taking a course in something that wasn't what I wanted to give trainings in initially. I don't know if he was being really short-sighted or acting like that because he's afraid of me going off for a month, but it made me second-guess myself for a moment and I hate that. It reminded me so much of my father, always destroying all my projects and making me feel inept and incapable of deciding anything for myself.

I also realised that it was no wonder I had such a hard time deciding what I wanted in life, after living for so long with someone who always decided everything for me and made sure I never got to choose my own path.

I actually found an interesting article on the website of Psychology Today, linking my father's attitude with my current tendency to procrastinate. It says: "Procrastinators are made not born. Procrastination is (...) one response to an authoritarian parenting style. Having a harsh, controlling father keeps children from developing the ability to regulate themselves, from internalizing their own intentions and then learning to act on them. Procrastination can even be a form of rebellion, one of the few forms available under such circumstances."

Anyway, I explained all this to Bart and I think we've sorted it out. Now to hear back from the school and see if I can get accepted... and we'll take it from there.

Brainwaves

Last night at dinner, a friend who has recently been promoted to head of marketing was explaining how she wanted to get rid of their current ad agency and how she would prefer to work directly with freelancers, but didn't have the time to do all the extra coordination.

Me being me, I didn't even blink at the time, and it was only several hours later, at around 1.30 a.m., lying in bed, that I realised I might have the perfect solution for her: I could coordinate her ad campaigns for her! Bart already has his company he uses for his freelance copywriting business, and I am after all an Account Manager, perfectly capable of managing my own clients!

I was so excited at the idea, I shared it with Bart and obviously neither of us could sleep after that. I immediately sent my friend an email, and she replied today, extremely enthusiastic!

So now I'm of course completely snowballing the whole idea, and thinking I could easily find 2 or 3 such clients and basically handle all their advertising needs. I have experience in enough different types of projects to pull it off... and we'd have a serious competitive edge, because as freelancers we ask for a lot less than ad agencies' normal rates. Of course we wouldn't be doing huge national campaigns, more like sales folders, maybe some mailings, brochures, etc... stuff the traditional agencies turn their noses up at most of the time.

So, anyway, I sat down this morning and decided to put all my ideas and options on paper. I used the mind mapping technique and thought the result was pretty neat:


I think a scenario is starting to form in my mind, but I need to let it sink in for a while... But I'm really excited!!

Part-time work, happiness and getting to goal

Last night Bart commented that he hadn't seen me this happy for this many days in a row for a very long time.
I was kind of shocked to hear him say that.
I mentioned it to a colleague at lunchtime today, and she confirmed that other people at work had also commented on the difference.
Had I really been so grumpy and seemed so unhappy this past year?

The answer is probably "yes". Daily frustrations and stress at work just stacking up and compounding into a permanent ball of resentment against everyone and everything in my life. Thinking back, it's difficult to understand how I let it get that far. And why I didn't do anything about it sooner.

But I also wonder what job I can possible find that won't have that effect on me. Maybe it wasn't the job? Maybe it's me. Maybe I feel some kind of entitlement to happiness that makes me bitter as soon as anything in my life isn't going the way I want it to?

I have to admit, I love being lazy. Well, I guess that isn't true. I love procrastinating, by doing just about anything except the one (or ten) thing(s) I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not actually lazy, because I'm usually busy - just not with whatever it is I'm supposed to be busy with.

Right now I should be working on a presentation. Actually I was supposed to have the afternoon off, but I'm staying at work instead to catch up on some things I should have already managed to finish this week, and probably would have, had I put my mind to it. Is it as frustrating for you to read that as it is for me to write it? Don't you just want to hit me over the head with a two-by-four and tell me to just get on with it?

I remember reading somewhere that people who procrastinate do it because they have a need for instant gratification. When faced with a cake with a cherry on it, they eat the cherry first, then the cake. Apparently, "healthy"/"normal" people are people who learned the concept of delayed gratification. These people are capable of getting the "chores" over with first, leaving them with masses of time for the fun stuff.
Us procrastinators for some reason have a problem with delayed gratification. We always want to do the most fun things first - but are also obliged to do the "chores" - and we usually end up in some kind of half-arsed version of both, dragging along our string of chores like a kiddy's blanket, whilst guiltily indulging in something we enjoy more, but not quite getting completely into it because of the chores we know we really should be doing instead.

All that to say, I wonder if I was less of a procrastinator, could I get my work - whatever it is - out of the way quicker and have more time to enjoy the rest of my life, thereby becoming an overall happier person? Do I create my stress and unhappiness because I always put off the essential (presentations, budgets, strategic recommendations...) to take care of the urgent (phone calls, emails...) that in reality are not that important? I know I get a "kick" out of feeling efficient and reacting rapidly to people's requests, and that is my "instant gratification", but it's not what I'm paid to do, fundamentally.

And finally, I'm wondering how my new-found dedication to WW fits into all this. Because isn't food the most common form of instant gratification? And what else is a diet if not delaying gratification? Choosing not to eat the crisps or drink the wine in order to fit into a size 12 jeans by the end of the year is exactly what I have been incapable of doing up till now - at least not for long periods of time, and these past 6 weeks are definitely a record. Am I finally learning to delay gratification? According to this site, the ability to delay gratification is often a sign of emotional and social maturity... so is this all part of me (finally) growing up?

The Wikipedia page on deferred gratification relates the following tell-tale test of impulse control:

[In] the "gift delay," (...) children were shown a nicely wrapped gift but told they must complete a puzzle before opening it. Researchers then calculated a "delay score" based on how long the children held out. When independent examiners interviewed the test subject years later, they found that boys who had not delayed were "irritable" and that the girls were "sulky." In contrast, the patient boys were "attentive" and the girls "competent."

Hm... there's that sulky girl again. Well, if that's true, it really is time I do something about it.

New life right around the corner

As of next week and for the next 2 months I will be working part-time. Woohoo!

The plan was initially to work January then take February as unpaid leave and so arrive at the end of my contract with my current employer, but I hardly have any work (amazing when I think back to the horrendous busyness of the past 2 years) and am bored stiff, so I proposed this new arrangement to my boss who agreed.

I see it as a win-win, as he isn't paying me to sit around all day doing nothing and has an extra month to find a replacement, and I have "me"-time starting Monday instead of having to wait another month. I also get to keep using my car for an extra month and all the other work-related benefits such as cell phone and laptop.

I want to use the free time to look for new opportunities, whether job-wise or study-wise, as well as to take more care of myself, cooking proper meals, exercising and maybe even getting a haircut, lol.

Speaking of new career opportunities, I saw an ad for freelance trainers today, to teach English to various groups of people, mainly professionals. The hours are variable and you can basically compose your own schedule apparently. Of course, they ask for experience and/or a diploma related to teaching, which I lack, but I want to contact them and see if there is a possibility to follow training courses through them.

Frustratingly, the only recognised studies that really seem relevant to what I think I want to do involve going back to university for 5 years, and I'm just not sure about that level of commitment. Something I need to think hard about over the next weeks and months.

I'm curious as to what part-time work is going to feel like. I have the feeling it's going to be great, having all that extra time, and I'm hoping I can find a way to integrate more me-time in whatever the future holds for me :)

Happy New Year!

2009... I wonder what this year has in store for me?

Hopefully a few nice surprises and not too many unpleasant ones.

This year will be all about creating a new career for myself, after I finish my job at the end of January.
I have options, which is nice, but still need to decide what it is I really want.
Seeing as work is pretty calm right now, I hope I'll find some time to look into it over the next few weeks and feel a little more prepared for it all.

On one hand I really want to do a complete shift into coaching & training, and am seriously considering re-doing university to study psychology. On the other hand, I know I could use my experience in project management to find a well-paid job, with the advantage of not having to worry about money, health insurance, etc. I'm still not sure what my priority is right now, or if I can find a way to combine both goals. So, lots to think about...

2009 will also be the year I get back to a healthy weight. The first 3 weeks on WW went really well, this week has been more difficult with New Year celebrations and I've gone 20 points over my daily allowance in total over the past 3 days... I'm already doing that thing where I think "one piece of chocolate won't hurt me", followed by "a handful of crisps won't make a difference", before moving on to "one teaspoon of ice-cream doesn't really count". Yes, I diversify, lol.

On a positive note, I know I should be really proud of myself for limiting my alcohol intake (1 glass of wine at dinner with the in-laws tonight!) and being able to resist a lot of temptations (2 hours sitting next to a plate of chocolates and biscuits without taking a single one and getting a tangerine instead). And I didn't feel I was depriving myself.
Nevertheless, I can feel a binge coming on... it's itching me... I recognise the build-up of little indulgences which will give way to a full-blown pigging out session in a couple of days' time and I'm not sure how to stop it.

No doubt this is going to be a battle, but at least I won't be so stressed out and worn out by work that I have neither the time nor the energy to fight it properly.

Anyway, I hope everyone has an amazing year in 2009. I hope the world economy improves quickly (and I am optimistic it will) and we all achieve our goals. I can honestly say 2008 was a wonderful year, moving in to our new place, getting married, going on an amazing honeymoon, and even the stress at work and health problems cannot put a damper on that. I can only believe 2009 will be just as fascinating and enriching.