Another doctor's visit today, so we got to hear baby's heartbeat, nice and strong.
Mine on the other hand is apparently not beating as rhythmically as it should, so I've been referred to the cardiologist for some tests. I don't expect it to be anything serious as I've noticed it has a weird beat for a long time and have never felt ill from it.
The scales showed a 1 kg / 2 lb gain, so I need to keep my eating in check. Which won't be happening today as I indulged in a chocolate eclair (mmmmnomnom), had lunch at a Thai restaurant with friends and am eating out again tonight. Thankfully I am not drinking alcohol, or I would really be in trouble.
Still sniffling with a cold that I can't seem to shake. Hope it disappears soon as it's stopping me from sleeping properly. I took a sick day off work on Tuesday as there was really not much work and I felt crap. Before I'd have gone into work anyway, as I needed to be on the verge of dying before I felt I had the right to a sick day, but now it's much easier as the only consequence is I don't get paid, so I don't feel as guilty when I decide I'm not well enough to work.
The only further exciting news (everything's relative...) is that Bart and I finally sat down and looked through names to try and decide which ones we liked. Boys' names are so difficult and we definitely don't like the same stuff (I'm into Noah, Lucas and Jonas whereas Bart is more of a Victor, Nick and Jack fan). We have about 5 girls' names we both like, so I think we'll be okay there. I have no idea how to decide which one it will be though. I guess we'll try them out on the bump once we know what it is and see which one sticks.
About Me
- Sara
- I think too much. And this is where those thoughts usually end up. I'm about to become a mum for the first time, and have therefore put my dieting goals on hold for the time being. I'm also currently freelancing and wondering what I want to do with the rest of my life...
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Food obsession
I didn't point all week. Which doesn't mean I went completely over the top, I was actually quite reasonable all week - until yesterday night when the red wine and chocolate cake got the better of me.But I tried to stick to 3 reasonable meals a day and no snacking, and really didn't do too bad.
Which made me think back to 9 months ago and remember how I would fantasise about food all day long.
I remember going to bed at night dreaming about the next day's breakfast, or finishing lunch and already fantasising about everything in the cupboards, doing a mental inventory of the fridge and obsessing about any chocolate bar or biscuit I knew was sitting in the kitchen waiting for me. The worst moment of the day was after dinner, when the food sirens would call to me and I would make regular trips from the couch to the kitchen to nible at anything and everything, hoping my husband didn't notice. Total obsession. I would estimate I spent about 6 hours a day just thinking about food, feeling taunted by it, anticipating eating it, battling with myself about whether or not to eat it, eating it, feeling guilty about eating it...
I realised at the time that I was completely obsessed and knew it wasn't normal or healthy, but I couldn't imagine it ever changing, I thought that was just the way I was kinked and would have to battle my food thoughts for the rest of my life.
9 months on and I hardly ever think about food (I'm not kidding, I really rarely think about it anymore), I can go 6 or 7 hours without eating and suddenly realise it's dinner time because I feel hungry (yes, HUNGRY!). I think "so this is how normal people feel about food?" and have a hard time imagining I was so obsessed about it in the first place.
Of course, I still have issues or I'd already be a size 10. Stress sees me making unhealthier choices (not eating more, just less healthy) and social situations are triggers for going off track (alcohol and snacks, my two worst enemies).
Last night I sat at a dinner table with 2 friends. One naturally skinny and one a constant dieter - she's at a healthy weight now but often yoyos up and down by 10 kilos or so. On the table, a bottle of red wine and a chocolate cake. This was after a relatively healthy and filling dinner of chicken and vegetable curry.
It struck me that whereas naturally skinny friend could leave a half-eaten slice of cake on her plate and half a glass of red wine in front of her for half an hour without touching it, dieter friend and me were constantly sipping and nibbling, cutting away small bits of cake and topping up our glasses of wine regularly. I'd estimate that by the end of the evening we'd had about 3 times more cake than skinny friend and double the amount of wine.
So, still some issues to deal with before I am 100% freed from the food demons, but I do think I can get there eventually.
My dream is to become a naturally healthy person, able to stay at a steady weight for long periods of time without much effort, auto-regulating any excesses without even thinking about it, with an inate sense of balance. I wonder if that's possible or if the overeater in me will always be lurking in the shadows, ready to send me soaring back into obesity?
Week 40 WI
40 weeks in, wow. I'm not sure I ever believed I'd keep at it for this long when I started. Pretty proud of that actually.
Last week was another one of those "well, I stuck to points but nothing happened" weeks, with a minuscule loss of 0.2 kg / 0.4 lbs (and to be completely honest the scales were hesitating between 0.1 and 0.2 kg, but I decided to be optimistic about it and take the greater loss).
Still not going quite as quick and steady as I'd like, but what a turn-around I've made in my eating habits. I feel so much healthier, so much more in control, so much less dependent on food. So I guess fast or slow doesn't matter, what matters is I've made a change for life and I'll get there eventually.
Results to date:
Loss this week: - 0.2 kg / - 0.4 lbs
Total loss: - 14.6 kg / - 32.2 lbs
BMI: 32.4
Also, I went down another size in clothes this past month and can now fit into quite a few old pairs of trousers, so it feels like I have a new wardrobe, lol!
Exercise was virtually non-existent last week, except for an hour and a half of yoga, which I LOVE and will be doing every Tuesday from now on. But work was intense, I was busy till 8 or 9 most evenings, so not much time for anything else. I'm hoping to get back to badminton this weekend though. On top of the exercise, it's a nice activity with my man and a good way to spend time together.
Hope everyone else is feeling good and progressing. Good vibes to all my WW blogger buddies :-)
Last week was another one of those "well, I stuck to points but nothing happened" weeks, with a minuscule loss of 0.2 kg / 0.4 lbs (and to be completely honest the scales were hesitating between 0.1 and 0.2 kg, but I decided to be optimistic about it and take the greater loss).
Still not going quite as quick and steady as I'd like, but what a turn-around I've made in my eating habits. I feel so much healthier, so much more in control, so much less dependent on food. So I guess fast or slow doesn't matter, what matters is I've made a change for life and I'll get there eventually.
Results to date:
Loss this week: - 0.2 kg / - 0.4 lbs
Total loss: - 14.6 kg / - 32.2 lbs
BMI: 32.4
Also, I went down another size in clothes this past month and can now fit into quite a few old pairs of trousers, so it feels like I have a new wardrobe, lol!
Exercise was virtually non-existent last week, except for an hour and a half of yoga, which I LOVE and will be doing every Tuesday from now on. But work was intense, I was busy till 8 or 9 most evenings, so not much time for anything else. I'm hoping to get back to badminton this weekend though. On top of the exercise, it's a nice activity with my man and a good way to spend time together.Hope everyone else is feeling good and progressing. Good vibes to all my WW blogger buddies :-)
Baby talk
Well, I went to my ob-gyn yesterday to get the results of my blood test and everything is looking good: no risk of trisomy, good blood sugar levels and my kidneys and liver are "working perfectly" (not sure that would have been the case 9 months ago, so thank goodness for my new diet). So we got the go ahead to make babies :)The only negative is that I'm not protected agains CMV or toxoplasmosis, so will have to take some precautions when pregnant, but I can live with that.
We also discussed weight issues and the doctor is supportive of me trying to not put any on weight during pregnancy. He says it's all up to me and as long as I'm eating a healthy, balanced diet he doesn't see why I couldn't keep the weight I have now (meaning I'm actually losing weight as the baby grows). I'm going to look into it some more as I read somewhere that the toxins released when you burn fat weren't good for the baby (?), but for now that's the plan.
And then because of our trip to NZ at the end of the year we won't be trying till November so we're back here on time for the (apparently) all-important 13 week scan. So for now we're still doing practice rounds ;-)
In the meantime I'm going to try and lose a couple more kg to get into the 80's. I am still unsure about starting a pregnancy at this weight, but at the same time I think if my body can't handle it, chances are it just won't happen.
So, I'm off to find some more pregnancy blogs and forums to read and get as much information as I can to prepare for the whole experience (yes, I'm a control freak). How exciting!!
Traditional Belgian dish - chicon and ham rolls
I made this dish last night so thought I'd take a few shots of it and post the recipe here. It's one of my favourite dishes, more a winter kind of thing, but I indulge in it all year round.
The main ingredient is chicon, or witloof chicory*, which are pretty difficult to find in the U.K.. They're slightly bitter, so if you're not a fan of artichokes and Brussels sprouts, stay away from them ;)
* Witloof Chicory (also called French or Belgian Endive) are blanched, tight heads produced by forcing (or growing in the darkness) the big mature chicory roots in forcing structures. See picture further down.
I have tweaked the original recipe - which uses lots of butter and cheese - to make a WW-friendly version, but if you're not on a diet, please indulge in the real thing as it is absolutely divine with the added ingredients ;)
Ingredients (serves 1)
(the reason I make this dish for 1 person is that my husband hates chicon, so I always make it just for myself)
2 nice big chicon
2 large slices of ham (about 30 g per slice)
200 ml semi-skimmed milk
2 level tbsp cornflour
150 g potatoes
1/2 tsp butter
salt, pepper, grated nutmeg
Optional: grated cheese
Preparation
Cut about 1 cm off the base of the chicon and cut out a small cone to get rid of the harder core. Don't wash the chicon before cooking, as this increases their bitterness apparently. If necessary, remove one or two outer leaves if not perfectly clean.
Melt a tiny amount of butter in a saucepan (about 1/2 tsp is enough), then add the chicon to the pan. The butter just gives them a really nice creamy taste, so I don't leave it out, but you could. Add half a cup of water and cover, leaving to simmer on a low heat for about 35 minutes (the softer the chicon become, the nicer they are). The water should just about fully evaporate - make sure they don't burn and add a little extra water if necessary.
I usually make this dish with mashed potatoes (simply cook the potatoes, drain the excess water and add a couple of tbsp of milk to them before mashing them up, then add salt and pepper).
For the sauce: put the milk on to boil and add the cornflour. Stir on a low heat for about 20 minutes, while the sauce thickens (this is a low-fat version of a white sauce. For the full-fat version, use an equal amount of butter and flour). Season with salt, pepper and grated nutmeg.
Take the cooked chicon and roll each one in a slice of ham. Serve with the mashed potatoes and cover with the white sauce.
Optionally, you can sprinkle the dish with grated cheese and put it in the oven to grill for a few minutes.
The low-fat version of this dish is 7 points (including the potatoes). Add extra points if you use butter in the sauce or grated cheese on top.
Bon appétit!
The main ingredient is chicon, or witloof chicory*, which are pretty difficult to find in the U.K.. They're slightly bitter, so if you're not a fan of artichokes and Brussels sprouts, stay away from them ;)
* Witloof Chicory (also called French or Belgian Endive) are blanched, tight heads produced by forcing (or growing in the darkness) the big mature chicory roots in forcing structures. See picture further down.
I have tweaked the original recipe - which uses lots of butter and cheese - to make a WW-friendly version, but if you're not on a diet, please indulge in the real thing as it is absolutely divine with the added ingredients ;)
Ingredients (serves 1)(the reason I make this dish for 1 person is that my husband hates chicon, so I always make it just for myself)
2 nice big chicon
2 large slices of ham (about 30 g per slice)
200 ml semi-skimmed milk
2 level tbsp cornflour
150 g potatoes
1/2 tsp butter
salt, pepper, grated nutmeg
Optional: grated cheese
Preparation
Cut about 1 cm off the base of the chicon and cut out a small cone to get rid of the harder core. Don't wash the chicon before cooking, as this increases their bitterness apparently. If necessary, remove one or two outer leaves if not perfectly clean.
Melt a tiny amount of butter in a saucepan (about 1/2 tsp is enough), then add the chicon to the pan. The butter just gives them a really nice creamy taste, so I don't leave it out, but you could. Add half a cup of water and cover, leaving to simmer on a low heat for about 35 minutes (the softer the chicon become, the nicer they are). The water should just about fully evaporate - make sure they don't burn and add a little extra water if necessary.I usually make this dish with mashed potatoes (simply cook the potatoes, drain the excess water and add a couple of tbsp of milk to them before mashing them up, then add salt and pepper).
For the sauce: put the milk on to boil and add the cornflour. Stir on a low heat for about 20 minutes, while the sauce thickens (this is a low-fat version of a white sauce. For the full-fat version, use an equal amount of butter and flour). Season with salt, pepper and grated nutmeg.
Take the cooked chicon and roll each one in a slice of ham. Serve with the mashed potatoes and cover with the white sauce.Optionally, you can sprinkle the dish with grated cheese and put it in the oven to grill for a few minutes.
The low-fat version of this dish is 7 points (including the potatoes). Add extra points if you use butter in the sauce or grated cheese on top.
Bon appétit!
Recipe time - rice and tuna salad
I've never posted a recipe before, but this one is so yummy I thought I'd share it.
It's also very easy to make and great as a summer dish.
I made it today and for the first time I used brown rice instead of white and it works just great, much healthier too :)
Ingredients (serves 4):
180 g dried brown rice
1 small tin of sweet corn (140 g)
1 large tin of tuna fish in brine (185 g)
2-3 tomatoes or about 20 cherry tomatoes (love cherry tomatoes!), chopped
20 green olives, chopped
2 hard boiled eggs, chopped
Seasoning:
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 tablespoon mayonnaise
1 tablespoon wine vinegar
1 teaspoon mustard
salt, pepper, oregano, parsley, garlic, onion...
Cook the rice, boil the eggs, chop up the tomatoes, olives and eggs and, when everything's cooled down, mix all the ingredients together in a big salad bowl. Other ingredients are possible, depending on what you have handy: anchovies, bell peppers, capers, apples, nuts, cheese...
The salad itself is 4.5 points per serving, the seasoning 1 extra point, but it's possible to use lower point salad dressing if you want. I love my olive oil, so this is one thing I still indulge in :)
Enjoy!
It's also very easy to make and great as a summer dish.
I made it today and for the first time I used brown rice instead of white and it works just great, much healthier too :)
Ingredients (serves 4):180 g dried brown rice
1 small tin of sweet corn (140 g)
1 large tin of tuna fish in brine (185 g)
2-3 tomatoes or about 20 cherry tomatoes (love cherry tomatoes!), chopped
20 green olives, chopped
2 hard boiled eggs, chopped
Seasoning:
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 tablespoon mayonnaise
1 tablespoon wine vinegar
1 teaspoon mustard
salt, pepper, oregano, parsley, garlic, onion...
Cook the rice, boil the eggs, chop up the tomatoes, olives and eggs and, when everything's cooled down, mix all the ingredients together in a big salad bowl. Other ingredients are possible, depending on what you have handy: anchovies, bell peppers, capers, apples, nuts, cheese...
The salad itself is 4.5 points per serving, the seasoning 1 extra point, but it's possible to use lower point salad dressing if you want. I love my olive oil, so this is one thing I still indulge in :)
Enjoy!
Inspirational videos about Emotional Eating
I was up last night till 2 in the morning, unable to sleep, and started browsing the internet for information about food allergies and food addiction, a topic I've seen pop up on a few other blogs, and I stumbled across some videos on YouTube. The girl in them - Josie - has been doing research into Emotional Eating and was sharing her findings, and everything she said really made so much sense.
So, if like me you're not only trying to shift the excess weight, but also wondering what goes on in your brain to cause you to overeat in the first place, if you're prone to emotional eating and want to understand why, you really should check out these videos. You can find them here: http://www.youtube.com/user/josielenore
I really recommend you watch all the videos, but I'll give a quick summary of them here (and this is in my own words, so you might take something slightly different away after watching them):
a) our excess weight initially comes from emotional eating. Once we start trying to lose the weight through dieting, we get stuck in a vicious circle of repression (diet) -> binge eating -> guilt -> more repression...
b) the binges can be curbed by stopping the repressive attitude towards food. To do that, we need to eat more intuitively and let our body decide what it needs to be healthy (instead of strictly calorie counting...) - by eliminating foods we are intolerant to, listening to our bodies' hunger signals, stopping when we're full... the video that touches on this - "Take a Skinny Friend to Lunch Week" - is really interesting as it highlights the differences in the way we - dieters - approach food as opposed to the way naturally skinny people approach food. And I live with a naturally skinny person, so I have plenty of opportunities to study those differences and learn from them!
c) once the binges are curbed, we're basically left with the emotional eating, which stems from a really interesting coping mechanism we learnt in childhood. There are several concepts in this part, which I find absolutely fascinating. One of them is learned helplessness (the experiment with the dogs explains it really well - check out the video for the full explanation), which means that if, in childhood, we learned we were powerless to solve a problem, we will continue, in adulthood, when faced with a similar problem, to believe we are powerless to solve it, without even trying...
The second concept concerns task-oriented and emotion-oriented coping strategies, or as Josie calls them, soothing and solving: when faced with a problem, do you focus on solving the problem, or do you focus on getting rid of the feelings (anxiety, fear, sadness) that the problem provokes in you?
We all have situations in which we are task-oriented: for me, it's stuff like organising a party, managing projects at work, organising holidays... I just analyse the situation, then act to get things done efficiently.
And then there are the situations in which we resort to soothing (emotion-oriented coping). This happens so instinctively that we don't even realise what's happened until we're half way through the cookie jar. We feel helpless (because of learned helplessness) in the situation and don't even try to solve it, we just assume - on an entirely subconscious level - that we can't do anything about it, so we reach for a bag of crisps and a beer (in my case) to soothe the emotions the situation provokes.
Identifying the trigger situations in which we instinctively "soothe" instead of "solve" can really help stop us from emotional eating. I think I do it mostly in inter-personal situation where there's a risk of conflict. I can't stand the idea of telling certain people I'm not OK with their attitude, or don't agree with them, so I avoid the conflict by stuffing my feelings down with food. The other situation in which I comfort eat is when I'm bored. Instead of taking 5 minutes to actually think about all the things that I could be doing (and there are a lot of them!), I panic... and do the one thing I feel "safe" doing: eat.
Some of the other really interesting things I picked up from these videos:
- These mechanisms go back to our childhood and are deeply ingrained. I learned these coping mechanisms during my parents' divorce, when I was 9 years old, the same age Josie was. And she mentions she was taught to diet at age 10. Same here.
- She also makes a link between being brought up by an extremely strict parent and resorting to emotional eating (as a child you are helpless to solve situations when you are brought up that way - the strict parent always decides for you), which also hits home for me. I also think a lot of it had to do with the fact that neither of my parents actually wanted to know what I was feeling and if I was OK. I had all these emotions and no one to talk to about them. So with no way to address and resolve my feelings, I stuffed them down with food.
I hope you find this useful... I'm going to pay much more attention to any triggers that have me reaching for the cupboard or fridge, and I'm also going to try to be more intuitive in my eating patterns, I will keep planning and tracking what I'm eating, but will eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm full and won't beat myself up when I go over points...
If you stumble across any more interesting articles or videos about this, please post them in the comments!
Editing to add: I just found Josie's blog on blogger, if you want to follow her :) http://thinside-out.blogspot.com/
So, if like me you're not only trying to shift the excess weight, but also wondering what goes on in your brain to cause you to overeat in the first place, if you're prone to emotional eating and want to understand why, you really should check out these videos. You can find them here: http://www.youtube.com/user/josielenore
I really recommend you watch all the videos, but I'll give a quick summary of them here (and this is in my own words, so you might take something slightly different away after watching them):
a) our excess weight initially comes from emotional eating. Once we start trying to lose the weight through dieting, we get stuck in a vicious circle of repression (diet) -> binge eating -> guilt -> more repression...
b) the binges can be curbed by stopping the repressive attitude towards food. To do that, we need to eat more intuitively and let our body decide what it needs to be healthy (instead of strictly calorie counting...) - by eliminating foods we are intolerant to, listening to our bodies' hunger signals, stopping when we're full... the video that touches on this - "Take a Skinny Friend to Lunch Week" - is really interesting as it highlights the differences in the way we - dieters - approach food as opposed to the way naturally skinny people approach food. And I live with a naturally skinny person, so I have plenty of opportunities to study those differences and learn from them!
c) once the binges are curbed, we're basically left with the emotional eating, which stems from a really interesting coping mechanism we learnt in childhood. There are several concepts in this part, which I find absolutely fascinating. One of them is learned helplessness (the experiment with the dogs explains it really well - check out the video for the full explanation), which means that if, in childhood, we learned we were powerless to solve a problem, we will continue, in adulthood, when faced with a similar problem, to believe we are powerless to solve it, without even trying...
The second concept concerns task-oriented and emotion-oriented coping strategies, or as Josie calls them, soothing and solving: when faced with a problem, do you focus on solving the problem, or do you focus on getting rid of the feelings (anxiety, fear, sadness) that the problem provokes in you?
We all have situations in which we are task-oriented: for me, it's stuff like organising a party, managing projects at work, organising holidays... I just analyse the situation, then act to get things done efficiently.
And then there are the situations in which we resort to soothing (emotion-oriented coping). This happens so instinctively that we don't even realise what's happened until we're half way through the cookie jar. We feel helpless (because of learned helplessness) in the situation and don't even try to solve it, we just assume - on an entirely subconscious level - that we can't do anything about it, so we reach for a bag of crisps and a beer (in my case) to soothe the emotions the situation provokes.
Identifying the trigger situations in which we instinctively "soothe" instead of "solve" can really help stop us from emotional eating. I think I do it mostly in inter-personal situation where there's a risk of conflict. I can't stand the idea of telling certain people I'm not OK with their attitude, or don't agree with them, so I avoid the conflict by stuffing my feelings down with food. The other situation in which I comfort eat is when I'm bored. Instead of taking 5 minutes to actually think about all the things that I could be doing (and there are a lot of them!), I panic... and do the one thing I feel "safe" doing: eat.
Some of the other really interesting things I picked up from these videos:
- These mechanisms go back to our childhood and are deeply ingrained. I learned these coping mechanisms during my parents' divorce, when I was 9 years old, the same age Josie was. And she mentions she was taught to diet at age 10. Same here.
- She also makes a link between being brought up by an extremely strict parent and resorting to emotional eating (as a child you are helpless to solve situations when you are brought up that way - the strict parent always decides for you), which also hits home for me. I also think a lot of it had to do with the fact that neither of my parents actually wanted to know what I was feeling and if I was OK. I had all these emotions and no one to talk to about them. So with no way to address and resolve my feelings, I stuffed them down with food.
I hope you find this useful... I'm going to pay much more attention to any triggers that have me reaching for the cupboard or fridge, and I'm also going to try to be more intuitive in my eating patterns, I will keep planning and tracking what I'm eating, but will eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm full and won't beat myself up when I go over points...
If you stumble across any more interesting articles or videos about this, please post them in the comments!
Editing to add: I just found Josie's blog on blogger, if you want to follow her :) http://thinside-out.blogspot.com/
My psychopathic boss
The more distance I take from work, the more amazed I am by just how manipulative and controlling my (soon to be former) boss is. I see my colleagues suffering time and time again from his flagrant lack of respect and vicious techniques.
I am starting to think I should document the multiple incidences that prove just how noxious he - and his wife - are.
Like the time a colleague dared to ask to work 4/5th, or at least a rhythm that would allow her to go home at 5 every day and pick her kids up from school, and the boss and his wife gave her the silent treatment for weeks afterwards. Other colleagues picked up on the vibes and avoided her too. Of course, I invited her out for lunch ;) When I got back to the office, I received a mail from the boss: "Have you just been to lunch with K.?".
I mean, WTF? My first reaction was guilt. What had I done? My immediate second reaction was indignation. Why wouldn't I be allowed to go to lunch with her?!? So I answered "Yes, why?". I have to highlight that by now most of us would have been making up excuses for our behaviour and asking for forgiveness, so my response was quite bold. At the time I had already identified a lot of his techniques and wasn't prepared to let him "get to me" any more. My response was what became a typical countering technique to neutralise his attacks.
I was told by him numerous times in the first year I worked there that I was "incapable of motivating a team", "a bad people manager", "didn't have any authority over my team members"... In the beginning, I would take the blow full-on, cry, recognise my inability and suggest receiving appropriate training. This was met with a "it's not something you learn, it's something that you either have or don't".
Then one day, I was called into his office after his wife (also my superior) "ratted" on me for not doing something to her high standards (without even confronting me about it first). I got the first degree, was told I was doing a crap job, demotivating everyone, bla, bla, bla. Then he said if it continued he would have to draw his conclusions and take me off the client. I snapped. At that moment I decided I wouldn't take the abuse any longer (and it was abuse: I was doing a great job. My clients all loved me. I was juggling more projects than anyone else. The only real problem was his wife's management style and expectations).
So I snapped, and replied: "Fine, take me off this client". His response was a shocked: "Where is your implication?!?". To which I replied: "If it means being treated like this, I'd rather quit. Now I'm going to get back to work and finish what I was busy with, and when you've made a decision, you can let me know whether or not I still work here. Because if it's really as bad as you make it sound, you should fire me.". He was speechless (lol). And from that day on I slowly took back some of the dignity and self-respect they had robbed me of.
I have seen so many colleagues suffer from similar humiliations and unjust accusations.
People work their asses off - easily working 50, 60 hours a week to get more than their fair share of work done - I've worked 80 hour weeks several times over the past 3 years - and instead of praise, they get blamed for the slightest thing they don't do absolutely, perfectly right.
The easiest victims are the ones who lack self-confidence. A couple of colleagues seem more immune to their games because they have a stronger sense of self-worth, but even they are cracked after a while - a really promising young colleague has been continuously refused a promotion because he's "not ready yet" and ends up believing he has no other options because no other company would want him. Where he gets that idea from is beyond me! He's one of the best people I've worked with and is already doing the job that the refused promotion requires of him. He deserves that title!
3 years ago, just after I arrived, we were promised that if we reached our quarterly target, we would be rewarded with a long weekend in Marrakesh. We worked our butts off for the next 3 months, went way over target, but the trip never came. The excuse? They couldn't find a date that would suit everybody.
They pulled the same trick the next year. And the year after that. We pulverised every target set for us. We got no reward. No bonus. Meagre pay rises given I am convinced solely to keep us quiet - I got a 5% pay rise after 2.5 years: peanuts.
Now, it's crisis and every pay rise that was promised last year has been put on hold, indefinitely.
On Thursday September 25th 2008 I couldn't get out of bed. I had been suffering from headache, backache, acid reflux, toothache due to clenching my jaws in my sleep, high blood pressure, stomach pains and panic attacks. I had been doing the job of 4 people due to poor holiday planning - they were all on holiday at the same time, all working on at least one project with me, I needed to cover for all of them. I had been pushing myself to my limit - again.
At 10.30 a.m. the first call came, there was a problem on a project, I needed to solve it. 2 hours later the second bomb dropped. I spent the rest of the day on the phone, behind my computer, worked from home to solve all the issues - this after having called in sick.
The next morning I went to work. I opened my mailbox to discover 120 new mails received between 8 p.m. the day before and 9.30 a.m. that morning - everyone was doing overtime. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for half an hour, packed my things and went home. On the Monday I resigned.
In 2 weeks' time I will close the door on this chapter of my professional life, on some great colleagues, almost a family, on clients I've built a bond with over the years and on my boss and his wife. I can relativise everything a lot more now, especially as I'm working part time, my workload has decreased tremendously and I know I'm on my way out. And I can't help wondering how someone can get away with treating people like that for so long. How the brilliant, young, talented people I work with manage to get dragged into his games and suffer them for years and yet not have the survival instinct to get out.
I think it's a combination of seeking acceptance and recognition, poor self-worth, low self-esteem and a certain cultural stoicism that explain why most of my colleagues are still there today.
There is also the fact that my boss is an extremely charismatic person, he can be charming and funny, he likes to go out, have a few drinks, act crazy with his employees. He is someone people look up to. People want to be like him and be liked by him. And I guess that's what gives him power over them.
I've started reading the book "Snakes in Suits: Psychopaths in the Workplace", and I hope it will provide me with some insight into how his mind works and make his tricks more transparent. I want to be able to recognise people like him next time I meet one, so I can steer clear of them.
I spent years as an adolescent living with an emotionally abusive father. I knew something was wrong but couldn't put my finger on it. The manipulations and the abuse is so subtle it's difficult to put it into words. I thought I was crazy. I minimised it. One day, years later, I was able to find a name for his "illness": NPD, narcissistic personality disorder, confirmed by his oncologist several years later, a few days before he passed away.
It took me months of therapy before his death to develop coping mechanisms, to learn to build a protective barrier between us and shield myself from his attacks. I thought I could control it. I thought I would be able to protect myself from it happening again, but it happened again anyway.
The one thing I learnt that saved me is to always respect yourself. Other people will only respect you as much as you respect yourself. Give an abusive person the opportunity to abuse you and they will. Let them get away with it and they will do it again, and again, and again. And every attack takes away a little part of you, a little piece of your self-worth, until you feel you deserve no better, until you become the useless, worthless person you see reflected in your abusers eyes.
Abusers are not used to resistance. And emotional abusers will usually back off from anyone who is capable of consistently resisting them. Having said that, my advice is, no matter how strong you are, get as far away from them as you can, as quickly as you can.
I am starting to think I should document the multiple incidences that prove just how noxious he - and his wife - are.
Like the time a colleague dared to ask to work 4/5th, or at least a rhythm that would allow her to go home at 5 every day and pick her kids up from school, and the boss and his wife gave her the silent treatment for weeks afterwards. Other colleagues picked up on the vibes and avoided her too. Of course, I invited her out for lunch ;) When I got back to the office, I received a mail from the boss: "Have you just been to lunch with K.?".
I mean, WTF? My first reaction was guilt. What had I done? My immediate second reaction was indignation. Why wouldn't I be allowed to go to lunch with her?!? So I answered "Yes, why?". I have to highlight that by now most of us would have been making up excuses for our behaviour and asking for forgiveness, so my response was quite bold. At the time I had already identified a lot of his techniques and wasn't prepared to let him "get to me" any more. My response was what became a typical countering technique to neutralise his attacks.
I was told by him numerous times in the first year I worked there that I was "incapable of motivating a team", "a bad people manager", "didn't have any authority over my team members"... In the beginning, I would take the blow full-on, cry, recognise my inability and suggest receiving appropriate training. This was met with a "it's not something you learn, it's something that you either have or don't".
Then one day, I was called into his office after his wife (also my superior) "ratted" on me for not doing something to her high standards (without even confronting me about it first). I got the first degree, was told I was doing a crap job, demotivating everyone, bla, bla, bla. Then he said if it continued he would have to draw his conclusions and take me off the client. I snapped. At that moment I decided I wouldn't take the abuse any longer (and it was abuse: I was doing a great job. My clients all loved me. I was juggling more projects than anyone else. The only real problem was his wife's management style and expectations).
So I snapped, and replied: "Fine, take me off this client". His response was a shocked: "Where is your implication?!?". To which I replied: "If it means being treated like this, I'd rather quit. Now I'm going to get back to work and finish what I was busy with, and when you've made a decision, you can let me know whether or not I still work here. Because if it's really as bad as you make it sound, you should fire me.". He was speechless (lol). And from that day on I slowly took back some of the dignity and self-respect they had robbed me of.
I have seen so many colleagues suffer from similar humiliations and unjust accusations.
People work their asses off - easily working 50, 60 hours a week to get more than their fair share of work done - I've worked 80 hour weeks several times over the past 3 years - and instead of praise, they get blamed for the slightest thing they don't do absolutely, perfectly right.
The easiest victims are the ones who lack self-confidence. A couple of colleagues seem more immune to their games because they have a stronger sense of self-worth, but even they are cracked after a while - a really promising young colleague has been continuously refused a promotion because he's "not ready yet" and ends up believing he has no other options because no other company would want him. Where he gets that idea from is beyond me! He's one of the best people I've worked with and is already doing the job that the refused promotion requires of him. He deserves that title!
3 years ago, just after I arrived, we were promised that if we reached our quarterly target, we would be rewarded with a long weekend in Marrakesh. We worked our butts off for the next 3 months, went way over target, but the trip never came. The excuse? They couldn't find a date that would suit everybody.
They pulled the same trick the next year. And the year after that. We pulverised every target set for us. We got no reward. No bonus. Meagre pay rises given I am convinced solely to keep us quiet - I got a 5% pay rise after 2.5 years: peanuts.
Now, it's crisis and every pay rise that was promised last year has been put on hold, indefinitely.
On Thursday September 25th 2008 I couldn't get out of bed. I had been suffering from headache, backache, acid reflux, toothache due to clenching my jaws in my sleep, high blood pressure, stomach pains and panic attacks. I had been doing the job of 4 people due to poor holiday planning - they were all on holiday at the same time, all working on at least one project with me, I needed to cover for all of them. I had been pushing myself to my limit - again.
At 10.30 a.m. the first call came, there was a problem on a project, I needed to solve it. 2 hours later the second bomb dropped. I spent the rest of the day on the phone, behind my computer, worked from home to solve all the issues - this after having called in sick.
The next morning I went to work. I opened my mailbox to discover 120 new mails received between 8 p.m. the day before and 9.30 a.m. that morning - everyone was doing overtime. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for half an hour, packed my things and went home. On the Monday I resigned.
In 2 weeks' time I will close the door on this chapter of my professional life, on some great colleagues, almost a family, on clients I've built a bond with over the years and on my boss and his wife. I can relativise everything a lot more now, especially as I'm working part time, my workload has decreased tremendously and I know I'm on my way out. And I can't help wondering how someone can get away with treating people like that for so long. How the brilliant, young, talented people I work with manage to get dragged into his games and suffer them for years and yet not have the survival instinct to get out.
I think it's a combination of seeking acceptance and recognition, poor self-worth, low self-esteem and a certain cultural stoicism that explain why most of my colleagues are still there today.
There is also the fact that my boss is an extremely charismatic person, he can be charming and funny, he likes to go out, have a few drinks, act crazy with his employees. He is someone people look up to. People want to be like him and be liked by him. And I guess that's what gives him power over them.
I've started reading the book "Snakes in Suits: Psychopaths in the Workplace", and I hope it will provide me with some insight into how his mind works and make his tricks more transparent. I want to be able to recognise people like him next time I meet one, so I can steer clear of them.
I spent years as an adolescent living with an emotionally abusive father. I knew something was wrong but couldn't put my finger on it. The manipulations and the abuse is so subtle it's difficult to put it into words. I thought I was crazy. I minimised it. One day, years later, I was able to find a name for his "illness": NPD, narcissistic personality disorder, confirmed by his oncologist several years later, a few days before he passed away.
It took me months of therapy before his death to develop coping mechanisms, to learn to build a protective barrier between us and shield myself from his attacks. I thought I could control it. I thought I would be able to protect myself from it happening again, but it happened again anyway.
The one thing I learnt that saved me is to always respect yourself. Other people will only respect you as much as you respect yourself. Give an abusive person the opportunity to abuse you and they will. Let them get away with it and they will do it again, and again, and again. And every attack takes away a little part of you, a little piece of your self-worth, until you feel you deserve no better, until you become the useless, worthless person you see reflected in your abusers eyes.
Abusers are not used to resistance. And emotional abusers will usually back off from anyone who is capable of consistently resisting them. Having said that, my advice is, no matter how strong you are, get as far away from them as you can, as quickly as you can.
Blood test results are back!!
And the good, no, the GREAT news is that I don't have diabetes (blood sugar 0.89 g/l, so not even pre-diabetic).
Equally good news is that my cholesterol is under the recommended limit (total cholesterol 1.6 g/l, well under the 2.4 limit), although I should up my "good" cholesterol a little.
I'm waiting for the doctor to call me with his interpretation of all the other results, but these two things to me are such good news!
I would have been so, so angry at myself if the results had been bad. I know I'm finally doing what I should have done all along, losing the weight and eating more healthily, but I had imagined the worst about the damage I may have already done to my health.
I'm pretty sure these good results have something to do with the huge amounts of garlic I consume, lol!
Well, just to say, it's a big relief and it has motivated me even more to take care of my body properly from now on.
Equally good news is that my cholesterol is under the recommended limit (total cholesterol 1.6 g/l, well under the 2.4 limit), although I should up my "good" cholesterol a little.
I'm waiting for the doctor to call me with his interpretation of all the other results, but these two things to me are such good news!
I would have been so, so angry at myself if the results had been bad. I know I'm finally doing what I should have done all along, losing the weight and eating more healthily, but I had imagined the worst about the damage I may have already done to my health.
I'm pretty sure these good results have something to do with the huge amounts of garlic I consume, lol!
Well, just to say, it's a big relief and it has motivated me even more to take care of my body properly from now on.
It's Monday again, and that means...
It's time to post my weigh in results.
So, today sees me at -0.3kg or -0.6lb compared to last week.
Total loss so far: 4.6 kg or 10 lb.
Not a great result this week, but I figure a loss is a loss is not a gain, right? lol.
And I know exactly why I didn't lose more, having gone 26 points over allowance and only 10 activity points to compensate...
Given the fact it was New Year's Eve (3 glasses of champagne, a glass of wine and 4 different mini-desserts) that caused the biggest damage, I can safely assume I will have no problem getting back on track this week.
I'm actually really pleased with my results so far. I can't wait to get to my 10% goal as I know how important that is for my health, and also I'm hoping that by then I'll have dropped a size in clothes.
Hope everyone else has a good week... good luck to all with weigh in.
So, today sees me at -0.3kg or -0.6lb compared to last week.
Total loss so far: 4.6 kg or 10 lb.
Not a great result this week, but I figure a loss is a loss is not a gain, right? lol.
And I know exactly why I didn't lose more, having gone 26 points over allowance and only 10 activity points to compensate...
Given the fact it was New Year's Eve (3 glasses of champagne, a glass of wine and 4 different mini-desserts) that caused the biggest damage, I can safely assume I will have no problem getting back on track this week.
I'm actually really pleased with my results so far. I can't wait to get to my 10% goal as I know how important that is for my health, and also I'm hoping that by then I'll have dropped a size in clothes.
Hope everyone else has a good week... good luck to all with weigh in.
Back at work and scary thoughts
I'm back at work and the place is full of chocolate and sweets! Argh! So far I've only had one sweet, and I am going to leave it at that, but this is going to take considerable willpower. I'm so bored at my job and such a procrastinator... eating is a way of putting off working, lol.
Tomorrow I have to go to the doctor's and get blood drawn to check for diabetes. I am so hoping it hasn't come to that. I would really hate myself if I have got it because of my weight being too high for too long. I mean, I know I'm doing something about it now, I just hope it isn't too late. The reason my doctor wants to check is this bloody foot injury that isn't healing, which apparently can be a sign of diabetes. :(
I did an online test once where you inputted all your data (age, weight, if you smoke, family history, where you live, what kind of job you do, what sports you do...) and it calculates your life expectancy. Being overweight actually takes 10 years off my life. Can you imagine? It was a really freaky test, cause I did it for my dad, giving his age in as 57 and it predicted he would die at 59, which is exactly the age he had died at a few years earlier (lung cancer). Ugh!
Anyway, all these health considerations are what is really pushing me to lose weight for good this time. I am more at risk for heart disease (number one killer for women), blod clots, diabetes, problems during pregnancy, certain cancers and a sh*tload of other things. I'm afraid of taking the plane when I should be much more afraid of the crap I put in my mouth every day.
Tomorrow I have to go to the doctor's and get blood drawn to check for diabetes. I am so hoping it hasn't come to that. I would really hate myself if I have got it because of my weight being too high for too long. I mean, I know I'm doing something about it now, I just hope it isn't too late. The reason my doctor wants to check is this bloody foot injury that isn't healing, which apparently can be a sign of diabetes. :(
I did an online test once where you inputted all your data (age, weight, if you smoke, family history, where you live, what kind of job you do, what sports you do...) and it calculates your life expectancy. Being overweight actually takes 10 years off my life. Can you imagine? It was a really freaky test, cause I did it for my dad, giving his age in as 57 and it predicted he would die at 59, which is exactly the age he had died at a few years earlier (lung cancer). Ugh!
Anyway, all these health considerations are what is really pushing me to lose weight for good this time. I am more at risk for heart disease (number one killer for women), blod clots, diabetes, problems during pregnancy, certain cancers and a sh*tload of other things. I'm afraid of taking the plane when I should be much more afraid of the crap I put in my mouth every day.
Weight Watchers week 1
I have just completed my first week on Weight Watchers!
I am so happy to have finally found the inspiration to lose all this weight I have been carrying around for too long already.
I felt so good during our honeymoon in Mauritius, eating lots of fruit and veg, balancing out my meals and making healthy choices when faced with massive buffets of tempting foods, that I really finally understood I could do it.
The hardest part was thinking I'd been making healthy choices and eating all the right things, then coming home to find I'd put on 3 kg.
So I decided to join Weight Watchers Online and start counting points, a system I know works for me after doing it for 7 weeks in 2004 (that attempt aborted when my father became ill, then died 6 months later). I also think they're sensible, as opposed to every other fad diet out there.
Anyway, I chalk down most of the 3 kg I gained to water retention during the flight, cause we've been home 9 days and I've already dropped them again, which I don't think can be attributed solely to 1 week of WW and the flu...
Monday is my official weigh-in day, even though I started on a Saturday, so I'll wait till then to publish my official weekly result.
So,
Motivation CHECK
WW subscription CHECK
Fitness bike CHECK (as of tomorrow)
Diet blog CHECK
This time I'm serious :)
I am so happy to have finally found the inspiration to lose all this weight I have been carrying around for too long already.
I felt so good during our honeymoon in Mauritius, eating lots of fruit and veg, balancing out my meals and making healthy choices when faced with massive buffets of tempting foods, that I really finally understood I could do it.
The hardest part was thinking I'd been making healthy choices and eating all the right things, then coming home to find I'd put on 3 kg.
So I decided to join Weight Watchers Online and start counting points, a system I know works for me after doing it for 7 weeks in 2004 (that attempt aborted when my father became ill, then died 6 months later). I also think they're sensible, as opposed to every other fad diet out there.
Anyway, I chalk down most of the 3 kg I gained to water retention during the flight, cause we've been home 9 days and I've already dropped them again, which I don't think can be attributed solely to 1 week of WW and the flu...
Monday is my official weigh-in day, even though I started on a Saturday, so I'll wait till then to publish my official weekly result.
So,
Motivation CHECK
WW subscription CHECK
Fitness bike CHECK (as of tomorrow)
Diet blog CHECK
This time I'm serious :)
The truth
“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me,” I was taught; one more lie among many. In truth words penetrate the unlidded ear and land in the spirit. Words carry hatred and passion and love and fear. Words have the power to shoot down and rise up. Sharp cutting words can whirl for years afterward like the rotating blades of a lawn mower.
- Louise M. Wisechild, The Mother I Carry
- Louise M. Wisechild, The Mother I Carry
Fear
Well, first of all I have to say a biopsy is not the most pleasant experience I've ever had.
I went in yesterday so my OB/GYN could take a sample of my cervix for further analysis after my pap test came back showing grade 3 lesions.
The whole experience was pretty stressful, emotionally as well as physically.
I don't think I really believed I would have to be operated, but my doctor seemed pretty certain that there had to be "something" there for the pap test to show those results. Although the colposcopy (visual exam) didn't reveal anything alarming, according to him.
So I should know in a couple of weeks what the results are. I'm thinking this is bad timing, with work being ridiculously busy and the wedding coming up. But I guess it's more important I take the time to take care of my health.
I can't say I'm really afraid. I've read enough about cervical cancer and operations to remove pre-cancerous cells to know that usually the operation gets rid of any anomalies before they develop into cancer. Still, it's something I have no control over, something happening inside my body that's basically completely independent from me. That is a scary feeling.
I went in yesterday so my OB/GYN could take a sample of my cervix for further analysis after my pap test came back showing grade 3 lesions.
The whole experience was pretty stressful, emotionally as well as physically.
I don't think I really believed I would have to be operated, but my doctor seemed pretty certain that there had to be "something" there for the pap test to show those results. Although the colposcopy (visual exam) didn't reveal anything alarming, according to him.
So I should know in a couple of weeks what the results are. I'm thinking this is bad timing, with work being ridiculously busy and the wedding coming up. But I guess it's more important I take the time to take care of my health.
I can't say I'm really afraid. I've read enough about cervical cancer and operations to remove pre-cancerous cells to know that usually the operation gets rid of any anomalies before they develop into cancer. Still, it's something I have no control over, something happening inside my body that's basically completely independent from me. That is a scary feeling.
And then there's the stuff life throws your way
Like a rat let loose on your million-piece domino set, or a gust of wind just when you'd finished sorting through and classifying hundreds of papers...
Divorce, death, infidelity have all come along and upset the fragile order of things in my life. I guess it's life's way of reminding you you can't control everything.
Nothing as dramatic this time. Just a little bit of bad news: my latest pap test came back positive for abnormal cells, so I'll be getting a biopsy next week. I already know I have the HPV strain that causes cervical cancer, so no surprise there. And it's usually a simple and effective procedure to remove the unwanted cells. So I'm not really expecting any huge disruptions. Just a reminder...
Divorce, death, infidelity have all come along and upset the fragile order of things in my life. I guess it's life's way of reminding you you can't control everything.
Nothing as dramatic this time. Just a little bit of bad news: my latest pap test came back positive for abnormal cells, so I'll be getting a biopsy next week. I already know I have the HPV strain that causes cervical cancer, so no surprise there. And it's usually a simple and effective procedure to remove the unwanted cells. So I'm not really expecting any huge disruptions. Just a reminder...