One year on...

...and I'm about to become a mummy for the second time. Baby is due on February 12th. We don't know yet if it's a boy or a girl as it was crossing its legs at the 5 month scan last week. I think it's a boy again :)

Jack has just started walking on his own and he's so funny, wobbling his way accross the room, looking so proud and looking at us for encouragement and confirmation of his feats :)

The past year has been easy and hard at the same time. Easy because we've been really lucky with Jack. He sleeps really well (12 hours a night since he was 5-6 months old and only waking up to feed before that) and eats like a little ogre. He even feeds himself with a spoon, which is so cute and also means I can eat a meal at the same time as him now instead of gulping down food in between feeding him spoonfuls.

Hard because there's no denying that having a little man at home means getting up when he wakes up, making his meals at regular intervals, changing him, entertaining him (a lot) and planning things around his schedule most of the time so he gets enough food and rest. And being the person I am, routine is just something I need to be able to escape from or I go nutty.

I've been working mostly from home for the past year, with some time spent at my clients' offices or in meetings. Money-wise I've taken a big cut in income, earning less than half what I used to. I just can't fill my days with loose jobs, and right now going back to taking on full-time assignments just isn't an option. I need... I want the flexibility of being able to stay home when Jack's sick and pick him up from daycare at a reasonable hour. And with Baby2 on its way I've even decided to give up work for 6 months next year because the whole breastfeeding/pumping thing I did with Jack was just too much hassle and because the amount of time he was off sick meant it just wasn't worth putting him in daycare that young.

I'm hoping that being in contact with Jack will mean Baby2 gets used to other kids and hopefully catches all the germs going round so by the time he/she starts daycare there will be less days off and more time for me to get back to work.

So another 2 months to go and I'm off work. I'm looking forward to not having to turn my computer on, having time to prepare for Baby2's arrival, playing with Jack, going out for walks when the weather's nice, seeing all my friends, several of whom will have babies of their own by then and then after that taking care of Baby2.

I'm looking forward to him/her being here in a way I wasn't with Jack. First time around I was really taking every day as it came, enjoying the pregnancy, discovering all the new stages, preparing for a big unknown. This time I know more or less what to expect and there's a lot less apprehension and a lot more impatience ;)

Planning-wise the idea is to do what we did with Jack and keep Baby2 in our room the first 5 or 6 months, then have them share a room. I'm not sure yet if we're going to use Jack's bedroom or move them both to the office and move the office into Jack's (much smaller) room. And we're also discussing buying a house with a garden. I'm so undecided. Pros are of course the garden, and being in a quieter neighbourhood, having an extra room/bedroom (although I'd like them to share while they're young) and no more rickety lift. Cons are finding a nice place, renovation work that will undoubtedly be needed in our budget range, stairs to negotiate, selling this place in the current market, moving... Sigh.

And then there's our idea of going to New Zealand next winter for a few months. Which would have to wait or be severely reduced in length if we bought a place next year.

Oh and weight-wise, well I ended up putting on 8 kg when I stopped breastfeeding (big bummer after managing to lose all the pregnancy weight directly after giving birth), a consequence of being allowed to drink again and keeping up the (bad) eating pattern I'd developped while breastfeeding, aka an extra 2 or 3 biscuits and chocolate a day. In April I decided to start losing again and was down 3kg when I got pregnant again (which was wanted but kind of a spur-of-the moment decision ;)). 24 weeks on and I've put on 2kg so far and am really trying to keep my weight steady. Some days I succeed better than others.

I've just signed Jack up for baby swimming classes, starting next Saturday, so that'll be a nice activity for us to do together. Yesterday we went to a park with an animal farm and Jack had a great time feeding chicory leaves to the donkey, lama, goats and rabbits. He also went on a swing for the first time and loved it so much he didn't want to get off after 10 minutes and kicked up a fuss when we pulled him off it so another little girl could have her turn. Wee man :)

Restart

Okay, I have to put pen to paper (so to speak) and commit to this or it'll never happen.

I had a lucky break with the pregnancy, out of the hospital and back to my lowest weight straight away, so I really need to be a bit more grateful for it and not throw away this opportunity to continue on the road to my goal.

Since then - already 3 months - I haven't been very good. I've fallen back into a sugar spiral, with chocolate and biscuits forming way too big a part of my daily diet. My only saving grace has been breastfeeding - the extra calories I need have counteracted *most* of the naughty food. I need to put a stop to this andI'm not sure I can manage if I don't take a solemn pledge.

Having said that, I just bought a box of Pierre Marcolini chocolates - aka bite-sized pieces of heaven. Okay, I am going to pace myself. No more than 2 a day from now on. And no more biscuits. I mean, it's ridiculous, all the other stuff I eat is healthy.

There. I've said it, I've committed and now I have to stick to it. Watch this space for a weekly update.

Oh, other than that: Jack is just adorable - so gorgeous and an absolute sweetheart. He sleeps really well at night and is getting into more of a rythm during the day too. And he started daycare 2 weeks ago, part-time for now. I love being able to work a bit in the morning and pick him up around 2 and still have all afternoon with him :) Life is really good right now, more than I could ever have imagined.

Breastfeeding

We've survived the first week back home, I'm happy to report.

Although we still have moments where the reality of the responsibility and commitment involved in taking care of such a small being sinks in, and we look at each other and ask "did they really let us leave the hospital with our baby?"...

So far, the hardest part has been the breastfeeding. We were doing well the first 2 days - as long as Jack wasn't really hungry, but as soon as hunger kicked in he seemed to completely lose patience and only managed to latch on for a few seconds before wailing as the milk wasn't coming fast enough. After 2 frustrating days - for both of us - I was offered a breast shield, which immediately solved the problem, or more acurately postponed the problem as I will have to wean him off it eventually.

Back home, I'm dealing with his strange feeding rhythm: once every three hours seems to be the rule, except for between 7 pm and 1 am when he needs almost constant feeds, leaving me drained and teary-eyed most nights. I've built in a mid-afternoon nap for myself that definitely helps, but now he's extended the hourly feeds to other times of the day too... leaving me wondering if he's getting enough milk. Sigh. The good news is my nipples are healing and most feeds are now pain-free.

Bart's been very supportive but on seeing me so tired and upset has already suggested dropping the breastfeeding, hitting the bottle and giving him a teat. I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet though.

On a more positive note, I weighed in at 90.9 kg / 200.4 lbs this morning, just a few hundred grams higher than my lowest recorded weight last year. So the pregnancy weight is virtually gone! I have to admit this is better than I expected, especially considering I was no saint during the last 4 months. Seems the fat gods decided to spare me this time around ;)

The plan is to keep eating healthily, which seems easier to do knowing everything I eat is passing through my milk to the little guy, and hopefully lose a constant 0.5 kg a week till the end of the year. That'll get me out of the 80's by the second week of next year... which would be amazing!

I think I can hear Jack rousing from his afternoon nap so will sign off now and leave you with the first pic of him with his eyes open:

Post pregnancy weigh in

First of all thanks to all you lovely ladies for commenting on my previous post.
As you can imagine I am totally in love with the little guy :)

But now for some serious business... weigh in and getting back on the weight loss wagon.
My lowest weight pre-pregnancy was 199 lbs / 90.1 kg, the week before I got pregnant.
The last week of pregnancy I was up to 229 lbs / 104 kg, so a gain of 30 lbs / 13.9 kg, with quite a bit of water retention to blame...

Weigh in yesterday morning gave me the nice surprise of... 203 lbs / 92.2 kg, so only 4 lbs / 2.1 kg to lose to be back to pre-pregnancy weight :)

I'm breastfeeding (not easy, but we're slowly getting the hang of it) so I have the perfect excuse to keep eating lots of fruit, veg and wholegrain foods and stay away from the alcohol. So I'm hoping to lose a bit more weight over the next few weeks.

Right now I won't be signing back up for WW, as I feel pretty much in control of what I'm eating - that and the fact that I just don't think I want to spend the time necessary to record everything I eat. We'll see how it goes and I'l re-evaluate in a few weeks.

But it's good to be 12 kg down after just a week, more than I'd hoped for :)

And now I'm off to dote on my gorgeous boy :)

Jack is here!

Hi all, just a quick update to let you know I gave birth last Thursday to an amazing little guy named Jack.
He was 4.060 kg and 53.5 cm and absolutely perfect in every respect :)
The birth went well. I was in labour for almost 16 hours and the last minutes were hard work but so very much worth it.

We've just gotten home from the hospital and are getting the apartment organised for this new life.

Here are some pics of the little man:

Countdown to delivery

Just back from a lovely week in the South of France and thought I'd post a pic of the bump:

Another month to go! Busy getting the apartment tidied and cleaned - bloody builders still haven't finished though! - and we've started putting the furniture in baby's room, so it's getting really exciting :)

33 weeks pregnant

Pregnancy insomnia is one of the only things I can complain about right now.
Everything else is going absolutely perfectly. So I thought I'd take advantage of being up this early to finally update my blog.

At our scan yesterday we got to take another peek at baby, who is head down (good news!), developing well and most definitely a boy. Another month and a half to go before due date, and reality is finally starting to sink in.

Work in the apartment is almost finished, but there's still a lot to do. The electricity has been replaced, an unpleasant but necessary intervention, and baby's room just needs a coat of paint and we can start furnishing it. The rest of the place looks like a complete dump, with furniture, books and other bits and pieces piled everywhere, and dust coating half of it. No use cleaning until everything's finished and we're leaving on holiday next Saturday so it's a bit of a pain.

In the meantime, I've just about stopped working, apart from the odd job from home and a few client meetings. As of next week I'm officially on holiday/maternity leave.

Last week I finalised the design of the birth cards and I'm really excited about the result - I think they look amazing and am so glad we'll have made them ourselves as I couldn't find anything I really liked in the shops.

Weight-wise I'm now 7kg/15lbs heavier than at the start of my pregnancy, which I feel is pretty decent and hope to be able to keep under control in the last weeks.
I've been having a hard time finding a balance, not being on WW anymore, between allowing myself a bit more and going completely overboard. I've gotten into the (bad) habit of having at least a couple of biscuits and a piece of chocolate every day... something that has to stop as quickly as possible. I'm trying to be more strict already and limit my weight gain and the baby's for the last few weeks so I don't have to give birth to a whale - especially as my ob-gyn seems to be taking some kind of sadistic pleasure in telling me baby is "in danger of being bigger than average".

On a positive note, I've been going swimming once a week with a pregnant friend and really enjoying the exercise. And the hotel we're staying at next week has a pool too. I bought a really practical pregnancy swimsuit and am glad I'm getting so much use out of it :)

This weekend we picked up all the baby stuff I bought second hand off a friend. Still can't believe a little baby needs so many things! I'm now really looking forward to decorating the baby room. Hope the result is as nice as I imagine it.

Not much other news, but I will try and update again before baby arrives. I might even get round to taking a picture of the belly :)

It's a boy!

Our 5 week scan yesterday revealed the long-awaited news of the baby's sex, and it's a boy!
A little strange to me as I was expecting it to be a girl. Boys just seem like an alien life form and I think I felt more comfortable with the idea it was a girl, but I'm still thrilled.

And all else is well: brain, heart and kidneys are the right size and shape and in the right place.

We also got to see the cutest images of his face in 3D, although the stills are nowhere near as impressive as the moving images were:

It's just so amazingly beautiful... I can hardly believe it's really growing inside of me :)

I am now almost 23 weeks pregnant and baby is estimated to weigh about 600 g / 1.3 lbs.

As for, me, I've gained 4.3 kg / 9.4 lbs since we conceived, which is still the bottom of the pregnancy weight chart, but the challenge will be to keep the numbers down for the next 4 months.

This is the chart I've been using as a reference:

24 lbs (their "low" weight gain at full-term) seems like a lot of weight to put on, so I hope I can stay under that.

All else is going really well with the pregnancy, still no complaints really which is so lucky when I see how difficult some of my friends' pregnancies are or were.

I changed jobs a couple of weeks ago, which wasn't foreseen as the contract at the previous place was supposed to go on till the end of June, but they had to put an end to it due to their client cutting budgets in half.

Luckily I found another position the very same day, this time closer to home, with public transport access and I also negotiated a better day rate. On the down side it is much more demanding and the hours tend to be longer, so I haven't been getting much rest these past two weeks and desperately need some down time to relax.

Hopefully once I get into the project it'll be easier to plan in some time off (I'm supposed to be working 4 days out of 5 but so far have only managed to take a couple of hours off!).

That's all the news for now - I'm off to continue looking for the perfect name now we know it's a boy :)

Letting reality sink in

Well, today I ordered my first baby-related item: a nursery rhyme book from amazon.co.uk.
And because it caught my eye and I remember it fondly from my own childhood, I added to it the hungry caterpillar book.

So, before clothes or toys, a pram or a bed, bottles or pacifiers... I've bought my child-to-be some books. I guess that says a lot about a) how much I love books and b) how completely unprepared and blissfully naïve I am about the whole concept of bringing a child into this world and everything it entails.

On a slightly more realistic note, I got around to contacting an architect and builder to ask for a quote for the work that needs to be done to our place before it is even remotely ready to receive the new baby. Hopefully I can get that kick-started over the next few weeks and have everything finished well in time for the summer.

My bump has now made an appearance and although I can still button up a couple of pairs of trousers, I am pretty sure it won't last much longer. I am now mentally preparing to boldly go where I've never been before and visit a maternity clothes store. Or maybe I'll stick to H&M's maternity section?

I've put on 2kg/4.4lbs since the beginning of pregnancy (I'm almost 18 weeks on now) and I'm desperately trying to keep that number down - although you wouldn't think so judging by the amount of food I'm consuming. However, I've managed to keep it all fairly healthy so far and am drinking record amounts of water. Can you see my halo? lol.

Yesterday I had an amazing experience: a one hour long, luxurious massage. Not the first time I get a massage, but this one was particularly good and I felt so relaxed afterwards. Must try and make another appointment next month.

The rest of the week was nothing special, all work and flaking out in the sofa. I did go out on Tuesday night with two ex-colleagues to a yummy restaurant and was actually quite naughty, although no alcohol means I saved a few hundred calories compared to my usual night out.

Next week I'm off to see the Australian Pink Floyd in concert and am really looking forward to it! I've seen them 3 times before and love them! Okay, they're not the real deal, but they come pretty damn close. It's a pity baby can't hear yet as it would be in for some great music otherwise ;)

Chocolate eclairs and a heartbeat

Another doctor's visit today, so we got to hear baby's heartbeat, nice and strong.
Mine on the other hand is apparently not beating as rhythmically as it should, so I've been referred to the cardiologist for some tests. I don't expect it to be anything serious as I've noticed it has a weird beat for a long time and have never felt ill from it.

The scales showed a 1 kg / 2 lb gain, so I need to keep my eating in check. Which won't be happening today as I indulged in a chocolate eclair (mmmmnomnom), had lunch at a Thai restaurant with friends and am eating out again tonight. Thankfully I am not drinking alcohol, or I would really be in trouble.

Still sniffling with a cold that I can't seem to shake. Hope it disappears soon as it's stopping me from sleeping properly. I took a sick day off work on Tuesday as there was really not much work and I felt crap. Before I'd have gone into work anyway, as I needed to be on the verge of dying before I felt I had the right to a sick day, but now it's much easier as the only consequence is I don't get paid, so I don't feel as guilty when I decide I'm not well enough to work.

The only further exciting news (everything's relative...) is that Bart and I finally sat down and looked through names to try and decide which ones we liked. Boys' names are so difficult and we definitely don't like the same stuff (I'm into Noah, Lucas and Jonas whereas Bart is more of a Victor, Nick and Jack fan). We have about 5 girls' names we both like, so I think we'll be okay there. I have no idea how to decide which one it will be though. I guess we'll try them out on the bump once we know what it is and see which one sticks.

Smother-in-law time again

Dinner at the in-law's tonight, wish me luck as I am already stressed out at the idea of Bart's mother clucking around me and reaching for my (still inexistant) bump at every possible occasion, and every other well-meant annoying remark she can make...

On a positive note, we have found a daycare centre just around the corner from where we live, I can walk there every morning to drop bub off and again in the evening.

I'm going to try and work from home after bub is born. I hope I can find a few more clients to work for directly, no more ad agencies. I have calculated that right now I am working 44 hours a week (including drive to work) and I could earn the same working from home in only 24 hours a week (higher rates, lower costs and no commute). Right now it makes sense to have a more stable income with bub on the way, but later on I want the extra freedom of being my own boss completely instead of just a "hired help".

Other than that, I had a really bad cold last weekend, pinned to my bed for a couple of days, and am now left with the permanent sniffles and a blocked nose. Ugh.

Still being very good food-wise, although my apetite seems to have increased this week - I had 2 bowls of cereal for breakfast most days!. But managed to not overdo it I think as I'm still aiming to stay the same weight as long as possible. Luckily I'm craving fruit, milk and yoghurt so it's still fairly healthy.

I've made a list of all the work that has to be done in our apartment before bub arrives and need to start contacting contractors next week to get quotes. It's going to be financially painful, but necessary. In the long run I think it will increase the value of our place too.

That's all for now, mother-in-law calls...

Maternity visit

Yesterday I went to visit the hospital I will be giving birth at if all goes to plan.
My OB-gyn organises these visits a few times a year and invited us to come along so we could get answers to a lot of our questions and form an idea of what D-day would be like.

I had, of course, being the control freak I am, read up a lot about giving birth and how hospitals here usually deal with things and had quite a few concerns. Top of the list was how medicalised everything seems to be here: I read accounts of people being induced whether they wanted to or not, doctors performing episiotomies whether they were necessary or not, babies being taken away before they had a chance to bond with their parents, etc, etc.

Anyway, it turns out my doctor has a relatively "natural" approach to birth that very much put me at ease. For example, if the epidural is too strong and you can't push properly, he waits for it to wear off a bit so you can push - even if it takes 4 hours - instead of reaching for the forceps like many other doctors do. He also delivers in almost complete darkness - about the light of a candle - so the baby isn't completely blinded when it comes out - I absolutely love that part! He also has the lowest rate of c-sections of the whole hospital, which I find very reassuring. His philosophy is to try and not interfere if it isn't necessary and interfere if it is. I'm obviously hoping it won't be in my case...

The hospital has a jacuzzi bath which apparently can really accelerate labour, although you can't actually give birth in it. I've always loved water and would have liked a water birth so am hoping I can at least use it for labour. The only down side is that he says it sometimes speeds things up so much you don't have time for an epidural before the baby actually arrives and I'm not sure I'm ready for the full pain of child birth...

So now the only thing I'm worrying about is how long we can keep my mother-in-law away from the hospital for. I'm really cringing at the idea of her bursting into my hospital room, all flustered and excited. I had a taste of it last week when we went to see them and she wouldn't stop trying to touch my belly (there's nothing to see yet, let alone feel!) and kept asking excited little questions and telling us how impatient she is to meet the baby. She got it a Christmas present and talks to the print-out of the scan she's hung on her kitchen wall, every day. She's just very tiring and I'm not very good at dealing with her right now. Sigh. Luckily my husband doesn't particularly bond with them and tends to zone out whenever we're around them, so I know he won't be much keener than I am to have her around. And they live an hour away. I just hope it'll be enough to keep her at bay once the baby's there... I know, I'm such a bad person for saying all this, but she really is completely neurotic, over-excited and panicky... not what I need right now.

Anyway, right now I am still full of the illusion that giving birth will be easy-peasy and I have nothing to worry about. I'm sure I'll have changed my tune in a few months' time when I see how big the baby is and try to imagine it pushing its way out... Just leave me my illusions for now though please :)

Finally, an update

Well, where to begin? I suppose I should explain the reason for my long absence, though it's quite easy to guess... Yep, I'm 13 weeks pregnant! I didn't want to jinx it all so wanted to avoid posting the news until the first trimester was safely behind us. As of yesterday we have visual proof that the baby is alive and well (and moving around like crazy, although I can't feel anything yet).

It still feels crazy and slightly hard to believe. Especially as we got pregnant straight away, which I wasn't expecting to happen - needless to say the father is extremely proud of himself ;). We got a positive pregnancy test on November 22nd, confirmed by a visit to the doctor and first short ultrasound on December 4th.

First ultrasound on Dec 4th, with heartbeat, 6w, 0.43 cm

Second ultrasound on Dec 19th, with heartbeat, 8w, 1.98 cm

 

Third ultrasound on January 23rd, 13w, 7.43 cm

Third ultrasound on January 23rd, in 3D, 13w

The images don't really do justice to the moving ones we saw on the screen, especially this last visit, where baby was jumping all around the place and hitting the walls with its hands, but it's amazing to see how quickly it grows. I can't believe how big it will be by the time it's ready to come out!

Weight-wise, I put on 2lbs the exact day I suppose I ovulated and/or conceived, and since then another 1lb, which is really decent. The doctor was happy with the result yesterday in any case. I'm hoping to keep weight gain down to a minimum, hopefully less than 5kg/10lbs, but we'll see how that goes once the (mild) nausea dies down and I regain my appetite!

In the meantime, we went on our trip to New Zealand, where we had an amazing time, with a big family Christmas (in the sun) and a stunning road trip round the South Island. I am so glad we escaped the snow here - though we very nearly didn't get away due to the Eurostar hell and our flights leaving from London. Luckily I was able to book us on a flight from Brussels to London as soon as I found out the trains were cancelled - a few hours later they were sold out. It looks like Eurostar will be compensating us for that now, so I'm so glad I made that decision. I'll rant about the absolutely dismal communication on their behalf some other time...

 Christmas Day in the bush with my sisters

Our hike on the Fox Glacier

Queenstown

We got back on Tuesday and I've been slowly recovering from the jetlag since then. Starting work again tomorrow, though it will be as a freelance still as I explained my situation before leaving on holiday and told them I wouldn't be signing a contract as after the birth I want to be able to work closer to home. So it's all working out the way I wanted it to on that front too :)

The 'who's going to raise the children' question

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and even more so now we are actively trying to get pregnant.

I think back to my own childhood and all the great memories I have of playing outdoors with my sisters, baking flapjacks in the kitchen with mum, home-made cakes and biscuits for Christmas and birthdays, coming home from school to afternoon tea...
And I know that's the kind of life I want to be able to give my kid(s).

And I think that's what's frustrating me most right now: I can't accept the idea of putting my 3 month old baby into daycare (cause that's all the maternity leave you get here in Belgium) and seeing it no more than an hour every morning and evening - just enough time to wash, change clothes, feed and put to sleep (cause that's all that's left over when you work a 9 to 6 job in advertising).

I'd love to find a job that would allow me to either work from home or be home around 4 every day or work only 3 days a week, and still allow me to earn enough to cover the costs. It's not that I want to stop work altogether, and I think it's a good idea for any kid to spend some amount of time in daycare with other children, it's just that finding a job that meets both the time and money requirements is a hell of a lot harder than it should be.

This country has resolutely chosen a parenting model that stimulates mothers to remain active professionally - daycare is tax deductible, you can work 4/5ths for a certain amount of time (15 months) after your child is born (but I'll immediately add that most companies in the advertising business subtely discourage it), you only get 3 months maternity leave. Well, that's fine for the women who place their career above their family (or who don't have a choice if they want to make ends meet), but what about the people who still believe that raising a child is already in itself almost a full-time job and who want to do it themselves instead of leaving it up to government-funded strangers?

Other countries have taken a different approach and see motherhood (and to some extent fatherhood) as jobs in their own right. They put in place structures that enable parents to work less hours and spend more time raising their kids. The job market in those countries is full of part-time positions and prospective employers don't look at you like dirt if you happen to enquire about the possibility of working less hours.

I've done the maths and I know we can live decently if I only work 3 days a week, providing I keep the same day rate as I'm charging now. The major issue is that as a freelance I can't choose the days I work, and most projects are full-time, even if they only last 2 or 3 weeks at a time. So there's no way I can decide to only work 3 - fixed - days a week and still hope to get projects. And I can't just decide to put my kid into daycare some weeks and not others, cause daycare centers don't work that way. Part-time jobs are almost inexistant - most of the positions that would fit my profile are more likely to pay you for 37 hours a week and expect 50 - and any job that would allow me to work part-time is likely to pay so bad I'd be better off on unemployment benefits.

This is totally, absolutely frustrating me. And I'm pissed off at a government, country and society that has made decisions that impact my life so much. And my freedom of choice when it comes to how big a part I want to play in raising my kids.

Oh, and if I hear one more person saying "well, that's how everyone else does it", I'll cram something down their throat. It isn't because this country is packed full of frustrated, overworked, over-stressed mothers that I have to become one of them.

Week 45, 46 and 47 WI, babies and knitting

Okay, I have shamefully neglected my blog for the past 3 weeks. No idea why I wasn't inspired to post more often, as I've been reading everyone else's blogs daily.

Over the past 3 weeks I have managed to lose an astonishing 0.1 kg / 0.2 lbs.
I am definitely an underachiever on the weight loss front. I did however get a silver 7 despite this ridiculous result. That's 2.5 stone gone since I started. Not the greatest loss for almost a year, but I haven't been tracking for the past 6 weeks and I'm not putting weight back on. That's an achievement in my book.

Loss this week (well, last week actually): - 0.1 kg / - 0.2 lbs
Total loss: - 15.9 kg / - 35.1 lbs

Other news: babies. I am currently having unprotected sex for the first time in 13 years.
Yes, I've come to terms with my fears. Well, almost. But I am truly excited about the whole process and eager to make it happen. Watch this space for updates (except if you're reading this and you're related to me, then I'll tell you in person).

Not sure if this is related to the previous bit of information, but I've started knitting again.

This is the result so far. It's a scarf. The first 10 rows represent the time it took me to remember I needed to alternate front stitch and back stitch. I'm thinking of it as my practice piece, that way it will exceed any expectations I have of it.

I am already wondering whether I will have enough wool to finish it though and am trying to imagine what else I could use it as if I run short before it's a decent length.

Other than that, the past 3 weeks have been pretty uneventful. I have given up alcohol and haven't had a drink in 17 days. An absolute record. I have decided not to drink at all during pregnancy and breastfeeding, so I still have a year or so to go, but I'm trying not to think about that.

Oh and our trip to New Zealand is now planned out and booked. 7 weeks to go till we leave!! I am really looking forward to it - I'll be spending Christmas with my mum and sisters for the first time in 21 years, how crazy is that? And it will be summer over there, yay!

Time to get some work done, hope you're all having a good week.

Babies and work (part 2)

Since my previous post where I vented my doubts about becoming a parent, I've had some more ups and downs, moments of decision and indecision, excitement and anxiety.

Surprising (to me at least) was just how much I'm worrying about the financial/time implications of having a baby. I'm really anxious about combining work and parenting, and I refuse to become one of those permanently stressed people I see all around me, running on 5 hours sleep a night, racing from daycare to work, battling to leave work on time to pick baby up, not having the time to actually enjoy quality time together, barely surviving the week and constantly over-tired, over-stressed, over-worked.

And at the same time I've accepted the job offer I got (see this post) only to realise after the first few hours there yesterday that life/work balance was definitely not a priority on their agenda. The girl I'd be replacing is actually an ex-colleague (from far, never actually talked to her till yesterday) and she gave me the low-down on the work ethics (working till 4 a.m., unpaid weekend work, budget restrictions - aka doing everything yourself so the bosses make more money, impossible client...). I'm already stressed at the idea of having to deal with all those situations, even though my resolution is to set limits and not let them put me under pressure, but I'm expecting it to be hell. In which case I'll be telling them "thanks, but no thanks" by the end of December.

So my existential questions are far from being resolved, but at the same time I'm feeling restless and impatient to get started on the baby front. Maybe a bit paradoxically, I can't wait to move on to the next chapter of our life and I'm really looking forward to seeing Bart hold our baby in his arms. I'm sure he's going to be an amazing dad and I'm looking forward to having him by my side to share this experience with.

Okay, so trying to be rational here: I still have time to sort out the work situation, I'm not married to this new job - far from, and there have to be jobs out there that will allow me to spend time with my kid and still stay active and earn enough money to pay my share of the costs. Right?

I think too much (to have or not to have babies?)

"You over-think" was actually the result of a quiz I took in this month's Psychologies magazine: "What are your secret stresses?". And it's true. I have a constant stream of thoughts going through my mind, the voices in my head are never quiet. And sleep would be a welcome reprieve if I didn't usually have vivid dreams related to whatever I'm worrying about.

Last night I had a restless night and thoughts of babies and the impact they would have on my future going through my mind constantly. I felt unsettled, anxious, unsure if I really wanted to go ahead with trying to conceive (we planned to start next month). I couldn't shake the thought that this decision would impact the next 20 years of our lives (and beyond).

I've always been ambivalent about having kids. I don't have the "urge" I see in some friends or read about on parenting sites. But I also don't imagine NOT having kids at some point.

I have no doubts whatsoever about the relationship I'm in. If there's anyone I want kids with, it's my husband, I know that's not the issue.

So what's the problem?

Well, I just seem to focus on all the negatives: less time for me/for us, sleepless nights, dirty nappies, crying, tantrums, illness, no more lie-ins, too much responsibility, everything structured and planned, routine... I worry about not having any room in my life for this new person who will undoubtedly take up all my time, about being tired, stressed, unhappy...

It's not a career/children issue in the sense that if we do have kids I'd prefer to work part-time, preferably from home, and that wouldn't be a sacrifice in any way, but I do worry about finances and will we be able to make ends meet if I'm only working part-time? As a kid, my parents and - after the divorce - my dad struggled with money and I didn't have a lot - I put myself through university on a grant and felt so liberated when I got my first pay-check. I am terrified at the idea of going back to a place where every penny counts and we can't do what we want - holidays, dinner, clothes, all the things we can treat ourselves to now.

And I suppose more fundamentally, I'm just not sure if I want whatever it is children are supposed to bring you - unconditional love? a sense of purpose in life? fulfilment? I'm just not sure I need those things, and whether they're worth the sacrifice of time and energy involved.

Also, I am shit scared of losing myself, of becoming a "mommy", of being redefined by the children I have as opposed to who I am. It took me a while to find that person, after years of living with an overbearing parent, followed by a fucked-up relationship, and I'm not ready to lose her again.

I'm finally getting to grips with my eating disorder, self-image and self-confidence. I have defined myself as a creative, talented, intelligent woman. I don't want that to all be erased by a "mommy" label. And I'm afraid that if I have babies I'll turn into a different person (well, that's more like a certainty) and I kind of like the person I am now.

Finally, at least for the purposes of this post, there's also the question of how our relationship will change if we have a baby. Will we manage to find time for each other? Will we respect each other as parents? Will we deal with the added stress? Will we agree on parenting issues, from bedtimes to pocket money and the thousands of other little things parents have to decide on?

The thing is, I'm 31 and Bart is 37. I don't want us to be "older" parents. I feel if we want to do this we need to decide now or at least soon. And Bart wants kids, so it's all on me. And I can go through the motions and rationalise myself into it, but these nagging fears just keep popping up. I know the responsible thing to do is to work through these questions before jumping head-first into this pregnancy, so I'll be doing some serious soul-searching over the next few weeks. Although part of me feels I'm over-analysing it and should just let nature take its course. In the meantime, I just feel so confused about the whole thing.

Baby talk

Well, I went to my ob-gyn yesterday to get the results of my blood test and everything is looking good: no risk of trisomy, good blood sugar levels and my kidneys and liver are "working perfectly" (not sure that would have been the case 9 months ago, so thank goodness for my new diet). So we got the go ahead to make babies :)

The only negative is that I'm not protected agains CMV or toxoplasmosis, so will have to take some precautions when pregnant, but I can live with that.

We also discussed weight issues and the doctor is supportive of me trying to not put any on weight during pregnancy. He says it's all up to me and as long as I'm eating a healthy, balanced diet he doesn't see why I couldn't keep the weight I have now (meaning I'm actually losing weight as the baby grows). I'm going to look into it some more as I read somewhere that the toxins released when you burn fat weren't good for the baby (?), but for now that's the plan.

And then because of our trip to NZ at the end of the year we won't be trying till November so we're back here on time for the (apparently) all-important 13 week scan. So for now we're still doing practice rounds ;-)

In the meantime I'm going to try and lose a couple more kg to get into the 80's. I am still unsure about starting a pregnancy at this weight, but at the same time I think if my body can't handle it, chances are it just won't happen.

So, I'm off to find some more pregnancy blogs and forums to read and get as much information as I can to prepare for the whole experience (yes, I'm a control freak). How exciting!!