I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and even more so now we are actively trying to get pregnant.
I think back to my own childhood and all the great memories I have of playing outdoors with my sisters, baking flapjacks in the kitchen with mum, home-made cakes and biscuits for Christmas and birthdays, coming home from school to afternoon tea...
And I know that's the kind of life I want to be able to give my kid(s).
And I think that's what's frustrating me most right now: I can't accept the idea of putting my 3 month old baby into daycare (cause that's all the maternity leave you get here in Belgium) and seeing it no more than an hour every morning and evening - just enough time to wash, change clothes, feed and put to sleep (cause that's all that's left over when you work a 9 to 6 job in advertising).
I'd love to find a job that would allow me to either work from home or be home around 4 every day or work only 3 days a week, and still allow me to earn enough to cover the costs. It's not that I want to stop work altogether, and I think it's a good idea for any kid to spend some amount of time in daycare with other children, it's just that finding a job that meets both the time and money requirements is a hell of a lot harder than it should be.
This country has resolutely chosen a parenting model that stimulates mothers to remain active professionally - daycare is tax deductible, you can work 4/5ths for a certain amount of time (15 months) after your child is born (but I'll immediately add that most companies in the advertising business subtely discourage it), you only get 3 months maternity leave. Well, that's fine for the women who place their career above their family (or who don't have a choice if they want to make ends meet), but what about the people who still believe that raising a child is already in itself almost a full-time job and who want to do it themselves instead of leaving it up to government-funded strangers?
Other countries have taken a different approach and see motherhood (and to some extent fatherhood) as jobs in their own right. They put in place structures that enable parents to work less hours and spend more time raising their kids. The job market in those countries is full of part-time positions and prospective employers don't look at you like dirt if you happen to enquire about the possibility of working less hours.
I've done the maths and I know we can live decently if I only work 3 days a week, providing I keep the same day rate as I'm charging now. The major issue is that as a freelance I can't choose the days I work, and most projects are full-time, even if they only last 2 or 3 weeks at a time. So there's no way I can decide to only work 3 - fixed - days a week and still hope to get projects. And I can't just decide to put my kid into daycare some weeks and not others, cause daycare centers don't work that way. Part-time jobs are almost inexistant - most of the positions that would fit my profile are more likely to pay you for 37 hours a week and expect 50 - and any job that would allow me to work part-time is likely to pay so bad I'd be better off on unemployment benefits.
This is totally, absolutely frustrating me. And I'm pissed off at a government, country and society that has made decisions that impact my life so much. And my freedom of choice when it comes to how big a part I want to play in raising my kids.
Oh, and if I hear one more person saying "well, that's how everyone else does it", I'll cram something down their throat. It isn't because this country is packed full of frustrated, overworked, over-stressed mothers that I have to become one of them.
About Me
- Sara
- I think too much. And this is where those thoughts usually end up. I'm about to become a mum for the first time, and have therefore put my dieting goals on hold for the time being. I'm also currently freelancing and wondering what I want to do with the rest of my life...
Showing posts with label existential questions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label existential questions. Show all posts
Babies and work (part 2)
Since my previous post where I vented my doubts about becoming a parent, I've had some more ups and downs, moments of decision and indecision, excitement and anxiety.
Surprising (to me at least) was just how much I'm worrying about the financial/time implications of having a baby. I'm really anxious about combining work and parenting, and I refuse to become one of those permanently stressed people I see all around me, running on 5 hours sleep a night, racing from daycare to work, battling to leave work on time to pick baby up, not having the time to actually enjoy quality time together, barely surviving the week and constantly over-tired, over-stressed, over-worked.
And at the same time I've accepted the job offer I got (see this post) only to realise after the first few hours there yesterday that life/work balance was definitely not a priority on their agenda. The girl I'd be replacing is actually an ex-colleague (from far, never actually talked to her till yesterday) and she gave me the low-down on the work ethics (working till 4 a.m., unpaid weekend work, budget restrictions - aka doing everything yourself so the bosses make more money, impossible client...). I'm already stressed at the idea of having to deal with all those situations, even though my resolution is to set limits and not let them put me under pressure, but I'm expecting it to be hell. In which case I'll be telling them "thanks, but no thanks" by the end of December.
So my existential questions are far from being resolved, but at the same time I'm feeling restless and impatient to get started on the baby front. Maybe a bit paradoxically, I can't wait to move on to the next chapter of our life and I'm really looking forward to seeing Bart hold our baby in his arms. I'm sure he's going to be an amazing dad and I'm looking forward to having him by my side to share this experience with.
Okay, so trying to be rational here: I still have time to sort out the work situation, I'm not married to this new job - far from, and there have to be jobs out there that will allow me to spend time with my kid and still stay active and earn enough money to pay my share of the costs. Right?
Surprising (to me at least) was just how much I'm worrying about the financial/time implications of having a baby. I'm really anxious about combining work and parenting, and I refuse to become one of those permanently stressed people I see all around me, running on 5 hours sleep a night, racing from daycare to work, battling to leave work on time to pick baby up, not having the time to actually enjoy quality time together, barely surviving the week and constantly over-tired, over-stressed, over-worked.
And at the same time I've accepted the job offer I got (see this post) only to realise after the first few hours there yesterday that life/work balance was definitely not a priority on their agenda. The girl I'd be replacing is actually an ex-colleague (from far, never actually talked to her till yesterday) and she gave me the low-down on the work ethics (working till 4 a.m., unpaid weekend work, budget restrictions - aka doing everything yourself so the bosses make more money, impossible client...). I'm already stressed at the idea of having to deal with all those situations, even though my resolution is to set limits and not let them put me under pressure, but I'm expecting it to be hell. In which case I'll be telling them "thanks, but no thanks" by the end of December.
So my existential questions are far from being resolved, but at the same time I'm feeling restless and impatient to get started on the baby front. Maybe a bit paradoxically, I can't wait to move on to the next chapter of our life and I'm really looking forward to seeing Bart hold our baby in his arms. I'm sure he's going to be an amazing dad and I'm looking forward to having him by my side to share this experience with.
Okay, so trying to be rational here: I still have time to sort out the work situation, I'm not married to this new job - far from, and there have to be jobs out there that will allow me to spend time with my kid and still stay active and earn enough money to pay my share of the costs. Right?
Oh crap (more dilemmas)
Okay, so I've been offered a job today. Not freelancing, but a fixed contract. It's in an agency, working on a neat project, a kind of monthly magazine for a big supermarket chain. It's almost more of an editorial role than account management, and I like the sound of the project.
I met the account director 2 weeks ago, then the company's partners last week, and they asked me to come in today to make me an offer.
So the offer is: freelance part-time till xmas (cause I have other ongoing projects), then I go on holiday for a month, then full-time fixed contract when I get back.
The money's good (20% better than previous job), the people all seem really nice and open and I like the project. The downsides are: not having the luxury of days off between projects like I have now, and they're in a different city. Minimum 35 minutes away, but in morning and evening traffic more like 1 hour or more. Ugh! I hate, hate, HATE traffic and the impression I'm wasting my life in my car. They're quite flexible, so I can work from home in the mornings and stuff like that, but getting home in the evenings is not going to be fun.
I became a freelance cause I needed a break from my previous job (evil, evil people and waaaay too much pressure) and because I didn't know what I wanted to do. Now it seems I'm just doing what I did before, except for different clients and agencies, with the added paperwork. So I'm not against the idea of going back to a fixed contract, but wasn't expecting the opportunity to present itself so soon.
Anyway, I need to give them an answer tomorrow and I'm in another fit of anxiety over having to decide. I hate being put in front of life-changing decisions and right now I'm having more than my share (I know, most people would kill to be in my position, it's a luxury problem, yadda, yadda, I still feel crap about it).
I met the account director 2 weeks ago, then the company's partners last week, and they asked me to come in today to make me an offer.
So the offer is: freelance part-time till xmas (cause I have other ongoing projects), then I go on holiday for a month, then full-time fixed contract when I get back.
The money's good (20% better than previous job), the people all seem really nice and open and I like the project. The downsides are: not having the luxury of days off between projects like I have now, and they're in a different city. Minimum 35 minutes away, but in morning and evening traffic more like 1 hour or more. Ugh! I hate, hate, HATE traffic and the impression I'm wasting my life in my car. They're quite flexible, so I can work from home in the mornings and stuff like that, but getting home in the evenings is not going to be fun.
I became a freelance cause I needed a break from my previous job (evil, evil people and waaaay too much pressure) and because I didn't know what I wanted to do. Now it seems I'm just doing what I did before, except for different clients and agencies, with the added paperwork. So I'm not against the idea of going back to a fixed contract, but wasn't expecting the opportunity to present itself so soon.
Anyway, I need to give them an answer tomorrow and I'm in another fit of anxiety over having to decide. I hate being put in front of life-changing decisions and right now I'm having more than my share (I know, most people would kill to be in my position, it's a luxury problem, yadda, yadda, I still feel crap about it).
I think too much (to have or not to have babies?)
"You over-think" was actually the result of a quiz I took in this month's Psychologies magazine: "What are your secret stresses?". And it's true. I have a constant stream of thoughts going through my mind, the voices in my head are never quiet. And sleep would be a welcome reprieve if I didn't usually have vivid dreams related to whatever I'm worrying about.
Last night I had a restless night and thoughts of babies and the impact they would have on my future going through my mind constantly. I felt unsettled, anxious, unsure if I really wanted to go ahead with trying to conceive (we planned to start next month). I couldn't shake the thought that this decision would impact the next 20 years of our lives (and beyond).
I've always been ambivalent about having kids. I don't have the "urge" I see in some friends or read about on parenting sites. But I also don't imagine NOT having kids at some point.
I have no doubts whatsoever about the relationship I'm in. If there's anyone I want kids with, it's my husband, I know that's not the issue.
So what's the problem?
Well, I just seem to focus on all the negatives: less time for me/for us, sleepless nights, dirty nappies, crying, tantrums, illness, no more lie-ins, too much responsibility, everything structured and planned, routine... I worry about not having any room in my life for this new person who will undoubtedly take up all my time, about being tired, stressed, unhappy...
It's not a career/children issue in the sense that if we do have kids I'd prefer to work part-time, preferably from home, and that wouldn't be a sacrifice in any way, but I do worry about finances and will we be able to make ends meet if I'm only working part-time? As a kid, my parents and - after the divorce - my dad struggled with money and I didn't have a lot - I put myself through university on a grant and felt so liberated when I got my first pay-check. I am terrified at the idea of going back to a place where every penny counts and we can't do what we want - holidays, dinner, clothes, all the things we can treat ourselves to now.
And I suppose more fundamentally, I'm just not sure if I want whatever it is children are supposed to bring you - unconditional love? a sense of purpose in life? fulfilment? I'm just not sure I need those things, and whether they're worth the sacrifice of time and energy involved.
Also, I am shit scared of losing myself, of becoming a "mommy", of being redefined by the children I have as opposed to who I am. It took me a while to find that person, after years of living with an overbearing parent, followed by a fucked-up relationship, and I'm not ready to lose her again.
I'm finally getting to grips with my eating disorder, self-image and self-confidence. I have defined myself as a creative, talented, intelligent woman. I don't want that to all be erased by a "mommy" label. And I'm afraid that if I have babies I'll turn into a different person (well, that's more like a certainty) and I kind of like the person I am now.
Finally, at least for the purposes of this post, there's also the question of how our relationship will change if we have a baby. Will we manage to find time for each other? Will we respect each other as parents? Will we deal with the added stress? Will we agree on parenting issues, from bedtimes to pocket money and the thousands of other little things parents have to decide on?
The thing is, I'm 31 and Bart is 37. I don't want us to be "older" parents. I feel if we want to do this we need to decide now or at least soon. And Bart wants kids, so it's all on me. And I can go through the motions and rationalise myself into it, but these nagging fears just keep popping up. I know the responsible thing to do is to work through these questions before jumping head-first into this pregnancy, so I'll be doing some serious soul-searching over the next few weeks. Although part of me feels I'm over-analysing it and should just let nature take its course. In the meantime, I just feel so confused about the whole thing.
Last night I had a restless night and thoughts of babies and the impact they would have on my future going through my mind constantly. I felt unsettled, anxious, unsure if I really wanted to go ahead with trying to conceive (we planned to start next month). I couldn't shake the thought that this decision would impact the next 20 years of our lives (and beyond).
I've always been ambivalent about having kids. I don't have the "urge" I see in some friends or read about on parenting sites. But I also don't imagine NOT having kids at some point.
I have no doubts whatsoever about the relationship I'm in. If there's anyone I want kids with, it's my husband, I know that's not the issue.
So what's the problem?
Well, I just seem to focus on all the negatives: less time for me/for us, sleepless nights, dirty nappies, crying, tantrums, illness, no more lie-ins, too much responsibility, everything structured and planned, routine... I worry about not having any room in my life for this new person who will undoubtedly take up all my time, about being tired, stressed, unhappy...
It's not a career/children issue in the sense that if we do have kids I'd prefer to work part-time, preferably from home, and that wouldn't be a sacrifice in any way, but I do worry about finances and will we be able to make ends meet if I'm only working part-time? As a kid, my parents and - after the divorce - my dad struggled with money and I didn't have a lot - I put myself through university on a grant and felt so liberated when I got my first pay-check. I am terrified at the idea of going back to a place where every penny counts and we can't do what we want - holidays, dinner, clothes, all the things we can treat ourselves to now.
And I suppose more fundamentally, I'm just not sure if I want whatever it is children are supposed to bring you - unconditional love? a sense of purpose in life? fulfilment? I'm just not sure I need those things, and whether they're worth the sacrifice of time and energy involved.
Also, I am shit scared of losing myself, of becoming a "mommy", of being redefined by the children I have as opposed to who I am. It took me a while to find that person, after years of living with an overbearing parent, followed by a fucked-up relationship, and I'm not ready to lose her again.
I'm finally getting to grips with my eating disorder, self-image and self-confidence. I have defined myself as a creative, talented, intelligent woman. I don't want that to all be erased by a "mommy" label. And I'm afraid that if I have babies I'll turn into a different person (well, that's more like a certainty) and I kind of like the person I am now.
Finally, at least for the purposes of this post, there's also the question of how our relationship will change if we have a baby. Will we manage to find time for each other? Will we respect each other as parents? Will we deal with the added stress? Will we agree on parenting issues, from bedtimes to pocket money and the thousands of other little things parents have to decide on?
The thing is, I'm 31 and Bart is 37. I don't want us to be "older" parents. I feel if we want to do this we need to decide now or at least soon. And Bart wants kids, so it's all on me. And I can go through the motions and rationalise myself into it, but these nagging fears just keep popping up. I know the responsible thing to do is to work through these questions before jumping head-first into this pregnancy, so I'll be doing some serious soul-searching over the next few weeks. Although part of me feels I'm over-analysing it and should just let nature take its course. In the meantime, I just feel so confused about the whole thing.
Out of the snake pit and into the fire
This week was my last week at work.
I'm having a lot of mixed feelings about it and feeling quite unsettled.
I should feel nothing but relief at it all being over, but it's actually left me with a bitter taste in my mouth and a nagging feeling I can't quite put my finger on.
First of all, tensions at work have been at an all-time high. My boss's wife and my boss have been conspiring to get a colleague fired. The 2 other managers intervened to insist they give her feedback on exactly why they weren't happy with her work first. Seeing as it's all a witch hunt and there's nothing wrong with her work, I'm not sure how they're going to handle that.
Then, the very same day, the colleague in question sent in an official request to work 4/5th, which she is legally entitled to as a mother of 2 young children. The boss exploded and gave her hell for sending in the request by registered mail instead of coming to see him about it first - so he could pressure her out of it, no doubt. He feels working 4/5th is incompatible with her level of responsibility and apparently mentioned "how difficult it was with Sara (me) working part-time". Ass-wipe. I've gone above and beyond to accommodate meetings, conference calls and work, shifting my schedule as necessary, taking time out of my days off to call in to several conference calls... The guy just refuses to see that we are all willing to make concessions - and he refuses to make any. He also twists reality to suit him whenever he wants to make a point in a discussion. He's done it so many times before it's amazing he still gets away with it almost every time.
On my last day, Thursday, I went to hand in my car and other stuff, and bumped into the HR/Finance Director, who invited me into his office for a chat. He said he would be interested in getting my thoughts on how the company was working - he is only involved from a distance, as we're an independent entity and the "mother company" provides us with HR and Financial support". So I told him. Everything. I said there were 2 main problems: poor people management and the boss's wife. And I gave numerous examples. I apologised for giving a negative opinion, but he assured me he found my input very objective. Apparently it confirms suspicions he already had. He was dead set against the boss's wife working with him as it is unethical. He wasn't the only one, but the boss eventually managed to convince the other shareholders. So my interview with the HR Director could mean trouble for them.
Then, after the meeting I cleaned out my desk and said goodbye to the few people who were in the office that day. We'd agreed I would come back next week for a goodbye lunch when more people were able to make it. I then went back Friday to pick up my official papers and bumped into one of my former clients - who still hadn't been informed by the boss that I was leaving, despite him assuring me he would do it before I left. I also bumped into the boss, who was in a foul mood and barely grunted in recognition when I said hello. A colleague then told me there had been a huge blow-out between yet another colleague and the boss's wife that morning, and that she'd been heard on the phone complaining to her husband and demanding he intervene. That had resulted in an argument between the boss and the colleague's direct superior. The atmosphere in the office was heavy to say the least.
When I got home, I received an email from another former client, asking me if I would be interested in doing the work I was doing for them before, but on a freelance basis. It's a huge project, one I'm familiar with and have managed several years in a row, but this would mean taking business away from my former employer - although there's a big chance that if I refuse, the client won't work with him anyway. But I know my ex-boss will consider me a traitor if I accept.
Then that night I had a really weird dream - I was with my 2 sisters, my mother and her husband (my stepfather) on a pier in a harbour. I was very upset and was trying to get away from my stepfather. He was naked and was somehow trying to convince me that it was normal. I locked myself in a bathroom, which was standing on the pier, only to realise it had glass walls. I was even more upset because I had just taken a shower and now realised my stepfather had seen everything. At this point, my sister - who was raised by our stepfather and mother while I lived with my father - apologised to me for not warning me that that was "just the way things were" and informed me there was a screen I could use to place in front of the shower next time. I looked down and realised I was sitting on the floor, cutting into my arms. At this point, I woke up, turned around in bed, coming face to face with Bart (asleep) and yelled out in shock.
I believe the interpretation of the dream lies in seeing my stepfather not as himself but as a "substitute father figure", aka my former boss. I obviousy feel like I have things to hide from him, because I have been talking to people behind his back, and feel threatened by him.
I am also thinking a lot about how I have always had a "controller" in my life. Someone with a huge influence on me that always bordered on abuse. First it was my father, then when I left home I got caught up in an incredibly unhealthy relationship with Bart who was emotionally abusive and cheated on me. Immediately after I found out and while we were trying to work things out, I started my job and found another controller in my new boss (and his wife).
Perhaps this goes some way to explaining why I'm feeling so unsettled and why I've been over-eating all week. I imagine these people to be like reference points in my life, people who have such a huge influence over my thoughts, feelings and actions that my whole life ends up gravitating around them. Remove the focal point and all of a sudden I feel lost, in the strangest way.
I need to dig deeper into this because there is of course a risk I am going to find a new controller to fill in the empty space my boss has left. Right now he's still doing his job, as I am creating scenarios where my actions will no doubt provoke a reaction on his behalf (my meeting with the HR Director, the contacts with my former clients, my involvement in my other colleagues' situations) but that won't last forever.
It's a strange realisation to come to, that I am attracting the very people who hurt me most, in order to perpetrate some unhealthy scheme I have been a part of since I was born.
I'm having a lot of mixed feelings about it and feeling quite unsettled.
I should feel nothing but relief at it all being over, but it's actually left me with a bitter taste in my mouth and a nagging feeling I can't quite put my finger on.
First of all, tensions at work have been at an all-time high. My boss's wife and my boss have been conspiring to get a colleague fired. The 2 other managers intervened to insist they give her feedback on exactly why they weren't happy with her work first. Seeing as it's all a witch hunt and there's nothing wrong with her work, I'm not sure how they're going to handle that.
Then, the very same day, the colleague in question sent in an official request to work 4/5th, which she is legally entitled to as a mother of 2 young children. The boss exploded and gave her hell for sending in the request by registered mail instead of coming to see him about it first - so he could pressure her out of it, no doubt. He feels working 4/5th is incompatible with her level of responsibility and apparently mentioned "how difficult it was with Sara (me) working part-time". Ass-wipe. I've gone above and beyond to accommodate meetings, conference calls and work, shifting my schedule as necessary, taking time out of my days off to call in to several conference calls... The guy just refuses to see that we are all willing to make concessions - and he refuses to make any. He also twists reality to suit him whenever he wants to make a point in a discussion. He's done it so many times before it's amazing he still gets away with it almost every time.
On my last day, Thursday, I went to hand in my car and other stuff, and bumped into the HR/Finance Director, who invited me into his office for a chat. He said he would be interested in getting my thoughts on how the company was working - he is only involved from a distance, as we're an independent entity and the "mother company" provides us with HR and Financial support". So I told him. Everything. I said there were 2 main problems: poor people management and the boss's wife. And I gave numerous examples. I apologised for giving a negative opinion, but he assured me he found my input very objective. Apparently it confirms suspicions he already had. He was dead set against the boss's wife working with him as it is unethical. He wasn't the only one, but the boss eventually managed to convince the other shareholders. So my interview with the HR Director could mean trouble for them.
Then, after the meeting I cleaned out my desk and said goodbye to the few people who were in the office that day. We'd agreed I would come back next week for a goodbye lunch when more people were able to make it. I then went back Friday to pick up my official papers and bumped into one of my former clients - who still hadn't been informed by the boss that I was leaving, despite him assuring me he would do it before I left. I also bumped into the boss, who was in a foul mood and barely grunted in recognition when I said hello. A colleague then told me there had been a huge blow-out between yet another colleague and the boss's wife that morning, and that she'd been heard on the phone complaining to her husband and demanding he intervene. That had resulted in an argument between the boss and the colleague's direct superior. The atmosphere in the office was heavy to say the least.
When I got home, I received an email from another former client, asking me if I would be interested in doing the work I was doing for them before, but on a freelance basis. It's a huge project, one I'm familiar with and have managed several years in a row, but this would mean taking business away from my former employer - although there's a big chance that if I refuse, the client won't work with him anyway. But I know my ex-boss will consider me a traitor if I accept.
Then that night I had a really weird dream - I was with my 2 sisters, my mother and her husband (my stepfather) on a pier in a harbour. I was very upset and was trying to get away from my stepfather. He was naked and was somehow trying to convince me that it was normal. I locked myself in a bathroom, which was standing on the pier, only to realise it had glass walls. I was even more upset because I had just taken a shower and now realised my stepfather had seen everything. At this point, my sister - who was raised by our stepfather and mother while I lived with my father - apologised to me for not warning me that that was "just the way things were" and informed me there was a screen I could use to place in front of the shower next time. I looked down and realised I was sitting on the floor, cutting into my arms. At this point, I woke up, turned around in bed, coming face to face with Bart (asleep) and yelled out in shock.
I believe the interpretation of the dream lies in seeing my stepfather not as himself but as a "substitute father figure", aka my former boss. I obviousy feel like I have things to hide from him, because I have been talking to people behind his back, and feel threatened by him.
I am also thinking a lot about how I have always had a "controller" in my life. Someone with a huge influence on me that always bordered on abuse. First it was my father, then when I left home I got caught up in an incredibly unhealthy relationship with Bart who was emotionally abusive and cheated on me. Immediately after I found out and while we were trying to work things out, I started my job and found another controller in my new boss (and his wife).
Perhaps this goes some way to explaining why I'm feeling so unsettled and why I've been over-eating all week. I imagine these people to be like reference points in my life, people who have such a huge influence over my thoughts, feelings and actions that my whole life ends up gravitating around them. Remove the focal point and all of a sudden I feel lost, in the strangest way.
I need to dig deeper into this because there is of course a risk I am going to find a new controller to fill in the empty space my boss has left. Right now he's still doing his job, as I am creating scenarios where my actions will no doubt provoke a reaction on his behalf (my meeting with the HR Director, the contacts with my former clients, my involvement in my other colleagues' situations) but that won't last forever.
It's a strange realisation to come to, that I am attracting the very people who hurt me most, in order to perpetrate some unhealthy scheme I have been a part of since I was born.
My psychopathic boss
The more distance I take from work, the more amazed I am by just how manipulative and controlling my (soon to be former) boss is. I see my colleagues suffering time and time again from his flagrant lack of respect and vicious techniques.
I am starting to think I should document the multiple incidences that prove just how noxious he - and his wife - are.
Like the time a colleague dared to ask to work 4/5th, or at least a rhythm that would allow her to go home at 5 every day and pick her kids up from school, and the boss and his wife gave her the silent treatment for weeks afterwards. Other colleagues picked up on the vibes and avoided her too. Of course, I invited her out for lunch ;) When I got back to the office, I received a mail from the boss: "Have you just been to lunch with K.?".
I mean, WTF? My first reaction was guilt. What had I done? My immediate second reaction was indignation. Why wouldn't I be allowed to go to lunch with her?!? So I answered "Yes, why?". I have to highlight that by now most of us would have been making up excuses for our behaviour and asking for forgiveness, so my response was quite bold. At the time I had already identified a lot of his techniques and wasn't prepared to let him "get to me" any more. My response was what became a typical countering technique to neutralise his attacks.
I was told by him numerous times in the first year I worked there that I was "incapable of motivating a team", "a bad people manager", "didn't have any authority over my team members"... In the beginning, I would take the blow full-on, cry, recognise my inability and suggest receiving appropriate training. This was met with a "it's not something you learn, it's something that you either have or don't".
Then one day, I was called into his office after his wife (also my superior) "ratted" on me for not doing something to her high standards (without even confronting me about it first). I got the first degree, was told I was doing a crap job, demotivating everyone, bla, bla, bla. Then he said if it continued he would have to draw his conclusions and take me off the client. I snapped. At that moment I decided I wouldn't take the abuse any longer (and it was abuse: I was doing a great job. My clients all loved me. I was juggling more projects than anyone else. The only real problem was his wife's management style and expectations).
So I snapped, and replied: "Fine, take me off this client". His response was a shocked: "Where is your implication?!?". To which I replied: "If it means being treated like this, I'd rather quit. Now I'm going to get back to work and finish what I was busy with, and when you've made a decision, you can let me know whether or not I still work here. Because if it's really as bad as you make it sound, you should fire me.". He was speechless (lol). And from that day on I slowly took back some of the dignity and self-respect they had robbed me of.
I have seen so many colleagues suffer from similar humiliations and unjust accusations.
People work their asses off - easily working 50, 60 hours a week to get more than their fair share of work done - I've worked 80 hour weeks several times over the past 3 years - and instead of praise, they get blamed for the slightest thing they don't do absolutely, perfectly right.
The easiest victims are the ones who lack self-confidence. A couple of colleagues seem more immune to their games because they have a stronger sense of self-worth, but even they are cracked after a while - a really promising young colleague has been continuously refused a promotion because he's "not ready yet" and ends up believing he has no other options because no other company would want him. Where he gets that idea from is beyond me! He's one of the best people I've worked with and is already doing the job that the refused promotion requires of him. He deserves that title!
3 years ago, just after I arrived, we were promised that if we reached our quarterly target, we would be rewarded with a long weekend in Marrakesh. We worked our butts off for the next 3 months, went way over target, but the trip never came. The excuse? They couldn't find a date that would suit everybody.
They pulled the same trick the next year. And the year after that. We pulverised every target set for us. We got no reward. No bonus. Meagre pay rises given I am convinced solely to keep us quiet - I got a 5% pay rise after 2.5 years: peanuts.
Now, it's crisis and every pay rise that was promised last year has been put on hold, indefinitely.
On Thursday September 25th 2008 I couldn't get out of bed. I had been suffering from headache, backache, acid reflux, toothache due to clenching my jaws in my sleep, high blood pressure, stomach pains and panic attacks. I had been doing the job of 4 people due to poor holiday planning - they were all on holiday at the same time, all working on at least one project with me, I needed to cover for all of them. I had been pushing myself to my limit - again.
At 10.30 a.m. the first call came, there was a problem on a project, I needed to solve it. 2 hours later the second bomb dropped. I spent the rest of the day on the phone, behind my computer, worked from home to solve all the issues - this after having called in sick.
The next morning I went to work. I opened my mailbox to discover 120 new mails received between 8 p.m. the day before and 9.30 a.m. that morning - everyone was doing overtime. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for half an hour, packed my things and went home. On the Monday I resigned.
In 2 weeks' time I will close the door on this chapter of my professional life, on some great colleagues, almost a family, on clients I've built a bond with over the years and on my boss and his wife. I can relativise everything a lot more now, especially as I'm working part time, my workload has decreased tremendously and I know I'm on my way out. And I can't help wondering how someone can get away with treating people like that for so long. How the brilliant, young, talented people I work with manage to get dragged into his games and suffer them for years and yet not have the survival instinct to get out.
I think it's a combination of seeking acceptance and recognition, poor self-worth, low self-esteem and a certain cultural stoicism that explain why most of my colleagues are still there today.
There is also the fact that my boss is an extremely charismatic person, he can be charming and funny, he likes to go out, have a few drinks, act crazy with his employees. He is someone people look up to. People want to be like him and be liked by him. And I guess that's what gives him power over them.
I've started reading the book "Snakes in Suits: Psychopaths in the Workplace", and I hope it will provide me with some insight into how his mind works and make his tricks more transparent. I want to be able to recognise people like him next time I meet one, so I can steer clear of them.
I spent years as an adolescent living with an emotionally abusive father. I knew something was wrong but couldn't put my finger on it. The manipulations and the abuse is so subtle it's difficult to put it into words. I thought I was crazy. I minimised it. One day, years later, I was able to find a name for his "illness": NPD, narcissistic personality disorder, confirmed by his oncologist several years later, a few days before he passed away.
It took me months of therapy before his death to develop coping mechanisms, to learn to build a protective barrier between us and shield myself from his attacks. I thought I could control it. I thought I would be able to protect myself from it happening again, but it happened again anyway.
The one thing I learnt that saved me is to always respect yourself. Other people will only respect you as much as you respect yourself. Give an abusive person the opportunity to abuse you and they will. Let them get away with it and they will do it again, and again, and again. And every attack takes away a little part of you, a little piece of your self-worth, until you feel you deserve no better, until you become the useless, worthless person you see reflected in your abusers eyes.
Abusers are not used to resistance. And emotional abusers will usually back off from anyone who is capable of consistently resisting them. Having said that, my advice is, no matter how strong you are, get as far away from them as you can, as quickly as you can.
I am starting to think I should document the multiple incidences that prove just how noxious he - and his wife - are.
Like the time a colleague dared to ask to work 4/5th, or at least a rhythm that would allow her to go home at 5 every day and pick her kids up from school, and the boss and his wife gave her the silent treatment for weeks afterwards. Other colleagues picked up on the vibes and avoided her too. Of course, I invited her out for lunch ;) When I got back to the office, I received a mail from the boss: "Have you just been to lunch with K.?".
I mean, WTF? My first reaction was guilt. What had I done? My immediate second reaction was indignation. Why wouldn't I be allowed to go to lunch with her?!? So I answered "Yes, why?". I have to highlight that by now most of us would have been making up excuses for our behaviour and asking for forgiveness, so my response was quite bold. At the time I had already identified a lot of his techniques and wasn't prepared to let him "get to me" any more. My response was what became a typical countering technique to neutralise his attacks.
I was told by him numerous times in the first year I worked there that I was "incapable of motivating a team", "a bad people manager", "didn't have any authority over my team members"... In the beginning, I would take the blow full-on, cry, recognise my inability and suggest receiving appropriate training. This was met with a "it's not something you learn, it's something that you either have or don't".
Then one day, I was called into his office after his wife (also my superior) "ratted" on me for not doing something to her high standards (without even confronting me about it first). I got the first degree, was told I was doing a crap job, demotivating everyone, bla, bla, bla. Then he said if it continued he would have to draw his conclusions and take me off the client. I snapped. At that moment I decided I wouldn't take the abuse any longer (and it was abuse: I was doing a great job. My clients all loved me. I was juggling more projects than anyone else. The only real problem was his wife's management style and expectations).
So I snapped, and replied: "Fine, take me off this client". His response was a shocked: "Where is your implication?!?". To which I replied: "If it means being treated like this, I'd rather quit. Now I'm going to get back to work and finish what I was busy with, and when you've made a decision, you can let me know whether or not I still work here. Because if it's really as bad as you make it sound, you should fire me.". He was speechless (lol). And from that day on I slowly took back some of the dignity and self-respect they had robbed me of.
I have seen so many colleagues suffer from similar humiliations and unjust accusations.
People work their asses off - easily working 50, 60 hours a week to get more than their fair share of work done - I've worked 80 hour weeks several times over the past 3 years - and instead of praise, they get blamed for the slightest thing they don't do absolutely, perfectly right.
The easiest victims are the ones who lack self-confidence. A couple of colleagues seem more immune to their games because they have a stronger sense of self-worth, but even they are cracked after a while - a really promising young colleague has been continuously refused a promotion because he's "not ready yet" and ends up believing he has no other options because no other company would want him. Where he gets that idea from is beyond me! He's one of the best people I've worked with and is already doing the job that the refused promotion requires of him. He deserves that title!
3 years ago, just after I arrived, we were promised that if we reached our quarterly target, we would be rewarded with a long weekend in Marrakesh. We worked our butts off for the next 3 months, went way over target, but the trip never came. The excuse? They couldn't find a date that would suit everybody.
They pulled the same trick the next year. And the year after that. We pulverised every target set for us. We got no reward. No bonus. Meagre pay rises given I am convinced solely to keep us quiet - I got a 5% pay rise after 2.5 years: peanuts.
Now, it's crisis and every pay rise that was promised last year has been put on hold, indefinitely.
On Thursday September 25th 2008 I couldn't get out of bed. I had been suffering from headache, backache, acid reflux, toothache due to clenching my jaws in my sleep, high blood pressure, stomach pains and panic attacks. I had been doing the job of 4 people due to poor holiday planning - they were all on holiday at the same time, all working on at least one project with me, I needed to cover for all of them. I had been pushing myself to my limit - again.
At 10.30 a.m. the first call came, there was a problem on a project, I needed to solve it. 2 hours later the second bomb dropped. I spent the rest of the day on the phone, behind my computer, worked from home to solve all the issues - this after having called in sick.
The next morning I went to work. I opened my mailbox to discover 120 new mails received between 8 p.m. the day before and 9.30 a.m. that morning - everyone was doing overtime. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for half an hour, packed my things and went home. On the Monday I resigned.
In 2 weeks' time I will close the door on this chapter of my professional life, on some great colleagues, almost a family, on clients I've built a bond with over the years and on my boss and his wife. I can relativise everything a lot more now, especially as I'm working part time, my workload has decreased tremendously and I know I'm on my way out. And I can't help wondering how someone can get away with treating people like that for so long. How the brilliant, young, talented people I work with manage to get dragged into his games and suffer them for years and yet not have the survival instinct to get out.
I think it's a combination of seeking acceptance and recognition, poor self-worth, low self-esteem and a certain cultural stoicism that explain why most of my colleagues are still there today.
There is also the fact that my boss is an extremely charismatic person, he can be charming and funny, he likes to go out, have a few drinks, act crazy with his employees. He is someone people look up to. People want to be like him and be liked by him. And I guess that's what gives him power over them.
I've started reading the book "Snakes in Suits: Psychopaths in the Workplace", and I hope it will provide me with some insight into how his mind works and make his tricks more transparent. I want to be able to recognise people like him next time I meet one, so I can steer clear of them.
I spent years as an adolescent living with an emotionally abusive father. I knew something was wrong but couldn't put my finger on it. The manipulations and the abuse is so subtle it's difficult to put it into words. I thought I was crazy. I minimised it. One day, years later, I was able to find a name for his "illness": NPD, narcissistic personality disorder, confirmed by his oncologist several years later, a few days before he passed away.
It took me months of therapy before his death to develop coping mechanisms, to learn to build a protective barrier between us and shield myself from his attacks. I thought I could control it. I thought I would be able to protect myself from it happening again, but it happened again anyway.
The one thing I learnt that saved me is to always respect yourself. Other people will only respect you as much as you respect yourself. Give an abusive person the opportunity to abuse you and they will. Let them get away with it and they will do it again, and again, and again. And every attack takes away a little part of you, a little piece of your self-worth, until you feel you deserve no better, until you become the useless, worthless person you see reflected in your abusers eyes.
Abusers are not used to resistance. And emotional abusers will usually back off from anyone who is capable of consistently resisting them. Having said that, my advice is, no matter how strong you are, get as far away from them as you can, as quickly as you can.
New book - In Praise of Slow
I was at Waterstone's yesterday, looking for a book about teaching English, and this book caught my eye:
I picked it up and discovered it was all about something I've been talking about for a while now: the fact that people are caught up in the rat race and probably don't even know why they're doing it anymore, and the fact that we seriously need to slow down and take the time to enjoy life.
I'm convinced we will be happier, healthier and even richer people if we can break free from the endless stress and pressure this "modern life" puts on us and choose - consciously choose, instead of getting caught up in - a more serene lifestyle.
So, I'm going to log off for today, make myself a mug of tea, curl up in the couch and dig into the book. A nice, relaxing way to end the weekend :)
I picked it up and discovered it was all about something I've been talking about for a while now: the fact that people are caught up in the rat race and probably don't even know why they're doing it anymore, and the fact that we seriously need to slow down and take the time to enjoy life.I'm convinced we will be happier, healthier and even richer people if we can break free from the endless stress and pressure this "modern life" puts on us and choose - consciously choose, instead of getting caught up in - a more serene lifestyle.
So, I'm going to log off for today, make myself a mug of tea, curl up in the couch and dig into the book. A nice, relaxing way to end the weekend :)
Training, doubt and procrastination (again)
Yesterday I was thinking about a recruitment ad I saw for freelance English teachers at a language school and noticed they mentioned requiring a TEFL certificate. So I decided to look into how to obtain one and found a course in London which looks really interesting. It's a 1 month course and with the pound so low, works out quite cheap compared to other similar courses.
I'm thinking: if I can get a job giving trainings in English via one of the language schools in Brussels - a subject I obviously have an advantage in, it being my mother tongue - I can build up experience in training and move on to give other subjects that interest me maybe a bit more (the "personal development" subjects, like conflict management, assertive communication, etc).
So I took the plunge and sent off an application for the course. There's a 30 minute phone interview and if I'm accepted, hopefully I can get on the course that starts in March!!
Which also means I get to live in London for a month! I've got quite a few friends living there and one of them has already offered me a place to stay during the course, and I'm frankly quite excited about the whole idea :)
Bart on the other hand was a bit sceptical and put quite a damper on the whole project last night, saying he didn't see why I was taking a course in something that wasn't what I wanted to give trainings in initially. I don't know if he was being really short-sighted or acting like that because he's afraid of me going off for a month, but it made me second-guess myself for a moment and I hate that. It reminded me so much of my father, always destroying all my projects and making me feel inept and incapable of deciding anything for myself.
I also realised that it was no wonder I had such a hard time deciding what I wanted in life, after living for so long with someone who always decided everything for me and made sure I never got to choose my own path.
I actually found an interesting article on the website of Psychology Today, linking my father's attitude with my current tendency to procrastinate. It says: "Procrastinators are made not born. Procrastination is (...) one response to an authoritarian parenting style. Having a harsh, controlling father keeps children from developing the ability to regulate themselves, from internalizing their own intentions and then learning to act on them. Procrastination can even be a form of rebellion, one of the few forms available under such circumstances."
Anyway, I explained all this to Bart and I think we've sorted it out. Now to hear back from the school and see if I can get accepted... and we'll take it from there.
I'm thinking: if I can get a job giving trainings in English via one of the language schools in Brussels - a subject I obviously have an advantage in, it being my mother tongue - I can build up experience in training and move on to give other subjects that interest me maybe a bit more (the "personal development" subjects, like conflict management, assertive communication, etc).
So I took the plunge and sent off an application for the course. There's a 30 minute phone interview and if I'm accepted, hopefully I can get on the course that starts in March!!
Which also means I get to live in London for a month! I've got quite a few friends living there and one of them has already offered me a place to stay during the course, and I'm frankly quite excited about the whole idea :)
Bart on the other hand was a bit sceptical and put quite a damper on the whole project last night, saying he didn't see why I was taking a course in something that wasn't what I wanted to give trainings in initially. I don't know if he was being really short-sighted or acting like that because he's afraid of me going off for a month, but it made me second-guess myself for a moment and I hate that. It reminded me so much of my father, always destroying all my projects and making me feel inept and incapable of deciding anything for myself.
I also realised that it was no wonder I had such a hard time deciding what I wanted in life, after living for so long with someone who always decided everything for me and made sure I never got to choose my own path.
I actually found an interesting article on the website of Psychology Today, linking my father's attitude with my current tendency to procrastinate. It says: "Procrastinators are made not born. Procrastination is (...) one response to an authoritarian parenting style. Having a harsh, controlling father keeps children from developing the ability to regulate themselves, from internalizing their own intentions and then learning to act on them. Procrastination can even be a form of rebellion, one of the few forms available under such circumstances."
Anyway, I explained all this to Bart and I think we've sorted it out. Now to hear back from the school and see if I can get accepted... and we'll take it from there.
Part-time work, happiness and getting to goal
Last night Bart commented that he hadn't seen me this happy for this many days in a row for a very long time.
I was kind of shocked to hear him say that.
I mentioned it to a colleague at lunchtime today, and she confirmed that other people at work had also commented on the difference.
Had I really been so grumpy and seemed so unhappy this past year?
The answer is probably "yes". Daily frustrations and stress at work just stacking up and compounding into a permanent ball of resentment against everyone and everything in my life. Thinking back, it's difficult to understand how I let it get that far. And why I didn't do anything about it sooner.
But I also wonder what job I can possible find that won't have that effect on me. Maybe it wasn't the job? Maybe it's me. Maybe I feel some kind of entitlement to happiness that makes me bitter as soon as anything in my life isn't going the way I want it to?
I have to admit, I love being lazy. Well, I guess that isn't true. I love procrastinating, by doing just about anything except the one (or ten) thing(s) I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not actually lazy, because I'm usually busy - just not with whatever it is I'm supposed to be busy with.
Right now I should be working on a presentation. Actually I was supposed to have the afternoon off, but I'm staying at work instead to catch up on some things I should have already managed to finish this week, and probably would have, had I put my mind to it. Is it as frustrating for you to read that as it is for me to write it? Don't you just want to hit me over the head with a two-by-four and tell me to just get on with it?
I remember reading somewhere that people who procrastinate do it because they have a need for instant gratification. When faced with a cake with a cherry on it, they eat the cherry first, then the cake. Apparently, "healthy"/"normal" people are people who learned the concept of delayed gratification. These people are capable of getting the "chores" over with first, leaving them with masses of time for the fun stuff.
Us procrastinators for some reason have a problem with delayed gratification. We always want to do the most fun things first - but are also obliged to do the "chores" - and we usually end up in some kind of half-arsed version of both, dragging along our string of chores like a kiddy's blanket, whilst guiltily indulging in something we enjoy more, but not quite getting completely into it because of the chores we know we really should be doing instead.
All that to say, I wonder if I was less of a procrastinator, could I get my work - whatever it is - out of the way quicker and have more time to enjoy the rest of my life, thereby becoming an overall happier person? Do I create my stress and unhappiness because I always put off the essential (presentations, budgets, strategic recommendations...) to take care of the urgent (phone calls, emails...) that in reality are not that important? I know I get a "kick" out of feeling efficient and reacting rapidly to people's requests, and that is my "instant gratification", but it's not what I'm paid to do, fundamentally.
And finally, I'm wondering how my new-found dedication to WW fits into all this. Because isn't food the most common form of instant gratification? And what else is a diet if not delaying gratification? Choosing not to eat the crisps or drink the wine in order to fit into a size 12 jeans by the end of the year is exactly what I have been incapable of doing up till now - at least not for long periods of time, and these past 6 weeks are definitely a record. Am I finally learning to delay gratification? According to this site, the ability to delay gratification is often a sign of emotional and social maturity... so is this all part of me (finally) growing up?
The Wikipedia page on deferred gratification relates the following tell-tale test of impulse control:
[In] the "gift delay," (...) children were shown a nicely wrapped gift but told they must complete a puzzle before opening it. Researchers then calculated a "delay score" based on how long the children held out. When independent examiners interviewed the test subject years later, they found that boys who had not delayed were "irritable" and that the girls were "sulky." In contrast, the patient boys were "attentive" and the girls "competent."
Hm... there's that sulky girl again. Well, if that's true, it really is time I do something about it.
I was kind of shocked to hear him say that.
I mentioned it to a colleague at lunchtime today, and she confirmed that other people at work had also commented on the difference.
Had I really been so grumpy and seemed so unhappy this past year?
The answer is probably "yes". Daily frustrations and stress at work just stacking up and compounding into a permanent ball of resentment against everyone and everything in my life. Thinking back, it's difficult to understand how I let it get that far. And why I didn't do anything about it sooner.
But I also wonder what job I can possible find that won't have that effect on me. Maybe it wasn't the job? Maybe it's me. Maybe I feel some kind of entitlement to happiness that makes me bitter as soon as anything in my life isn't going the way I want it to?
I have to admit, I love being lazy. Well, I guess that isn't true. I love procrastinating, by doing just about anything except the one (or ten) thing(s) I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not actually lazy, because I'm usually busy - just not with whatever it is I'm supposed to be busy with.
Right now I should be working on a presentation. Actually I was supposed to have the afternoon off, but I'm staying at work instead to catch up on some things I should have already managed to finish this week, and probably would have, had I put my mind to it. Is it as frustrating for you to read that as it is for me to write it? Don't you just want to hit me over the head with a two-by-four and tell me to just get on with it?
I remember reading somewhere that people who procrastinate do it because they have a need for instant gratification. When faced with a cake with a cherry on it, they eat the cherry first, then the cake. Apparently, "healthy"/"normal" people are people who learned the concept of delayed gratification. These people are capable of getting the "chores" over with first, leaving them with masses of time for the fun stuff.
Us procrastinators for some reason have a problem with delayed gratification. We always want to do the most fun things first - but are also obliged to do the "chores" - and we usually end up in some kind of half-arsed version of both, dragging along our string of chores like a kiddy's blanket, whilst guiltily indulging in something we enjoy more, but not quite getting completely into it because of the chores we know we really should be doing instead.
All that to say, I wonder if I was less of a procrastinator, could I get my work - whatever it is - out of the way quicker and have more time to enjoy the rest of my life, thereby becoming an overall happier person? Do I create my stress and unhappiness because I always put off the essential (presentations, budgets, strategic recommendations...) to take care of the urgent (phone calls, emails...) that in reality are not that important? I know I get a "kick" out of feeling efficient and reacting rapidly to people's requests, and that is my "instant gratification", but it's not what I'm paid to do, fundamentally.
And finally, I'm wondering how my new-found dedication to WW fits into all this. Because isn't food the most common form of instant gratification? And what else is a diet if not delaying gratification? Choosing not to eat the crisps or drink the wine in order to fit into a size 12 jeans by the end of the year is exactly what I have been incapable of doing up till now - at least not for long periods of time, and these past 6 weeks are definitely a record. Am I finally learning to delay gratification? According to this site, the ability to delay gratification is often a sign of emotional and social maturity... so is this all part of me (finally) growing up?
The Wikipedia page on deferred gratification relates the following tell-tale test of impulse control:
[In] the "gift delay," (...) children were shown a nicely wrapped gift but told they must complete a puzzle before opening it. Researchers then calculated a "delay score" based on how long the children held out. When independent examiners interviewed the test subject years later, they found that boys who had not delayed were "irritable" and that the girls were "sulky." In contrast, the patient boys were "attentive" and the girls "competent."
Hm... there's that sulky girl again. Well, if that's true, it really is time I do something about it.
Happy New Year!
2009... I wonder what this year has in store for me?
Hopefully a few nice surprises and not too many unpleasant ones.
This year will be all about creating a new career for myself, after I finish my job at the end of January.
I have options, which is nice, but still need to decide what it is I really want.
Seeing as work is pretty calm right now, I hope I'll find some time to look into it over the next few weeks and feel a little more prepared for it all.
On one hand I really want to do a complete shift into coaching & training, and am seriously considering re-doing university to study psychology. On the other hand, I know I could use my experience in project management to find a well-paid job, with the advantage of not having to worry about money, health insurance, etc. I'm still not sure what my priority is right now, or if I can find a way to combine both goals. So, lots to think about...
2009 will also be the year I get back to a healthy weight. The first 3 weeks on WW went really well, this week has been more difficult with New Year celebrations and I've gone 20 points over my daily allowance in total over the past 3 days... I'm already doing that thing where I think "one piece of chocolate won't hurt me", followed by "a handful of crisps won't make a difference", before moving on to "one teaspoon of ice-cream doesn't really count". Yes, I diversify, lol.
On a positive note, I know I should be really proud of myself for limiting my alcohol intake (1 glass of wine at dinner with the in-laws tonight!) and being able to resist a lot of temptations (2 hours sitting next to a plate of chocolates and biscuits without taking a single one and getting a tangerine instead). And I didn't feel I was depriving myself.
Nevertheless, I can feel a binge coming on... it's itching me... I recognise the build-up of little indulgences which will give way to a full-blown pigging out session in a couple of days' time and I'm not sure how to stop it.
No doubt this is going to be a battle, but at least I won't be so stressed out and worn out by work that I have neither the time nor the energy to fight it properly.
Anyway, I hope everyone has an amazing year in 2009. I hope the world economy improves quickly (and I am optimistic it will) and we all achieve our goals. I can honestly say 2008 was a wonderful year, moving in to our new place, getting married, going on an amazing honeymoon, and even the stress at work and health problems cannot put a damper on that. I can only believe 2009 will be just as fascinating and enriching.
Hopefully a few nice surprises and not too many unpleasant ones.
This year will be all about creating a new career for myself, after I finish my job at the end of January.
I have options, which is nice, but still need to decide what it is I really want.
Seeing as work is pretty calm right now, I hope I'll find some time to look into it over the next few weeks and feel a little more prepared for it all.
On one hand I really want to do a complete shift into coaching & training, and am seriously considering re-doing university to study psychology. On the other hand, I know I could use my experience in project management to find a well-paid job, with the advantage of not having to worry about money, health insurance, etc. I'm still not sure what my priority is right now, or if I can find a way to combine both goals. So, lots to think about...
2009 will also be the year I get back to a healthy weight. The first 3 weeks on WW went really well, this week has been more difficult with New Year celebrations and I've gone 20 points over my daily allowance in total over the past 3 days... I'm already doing that thing where I think "one piece of chocolate won't hurt me", followed by "a handful of crisps won't make a difference", before moving on to "one teaspoon of ice-cream doesn't really count". Yes, I diversify, lol.
On a positive note, I know I should be really proud of myself for limiting my alcohol intake (1 glass of wine at dinner with the in-laws tonight!) and being able to resist a lot of temptations (2 hours sitting next to a plate of chocolates and biscuits without taking a single one and getting a tangerine instead). And I didn't feel I was depriving myself.
Nevertheless, I can feel a binge coming on... it's itching me... I recognise the build-up of little indulgences which will give way to a full-blown pigging out session in a couple of days' time and I'm not sure how to stop it.
No doubt this is going to be a battle, but at least I won't be so stressed out and worn out by work that I have neither the time nor the energy to fight it properly.
Anyway, I hope everyone has an amazing year in 2009. I hope the world economy improves quickly (and I am optimistic it will) and we all achieve our goals. I can honestly say 2008 was a wonderful year, moving in to our new place, getting married, going on an amazing honeymoon, and even the stress at work and health problems cannot put a damper on that. I can only believe 2009 will be just as fascinating and enriching.
Weird Christmas
What a strange xmas this year... I have basically been gagging for a big family get-together type xmas for months now, but it just wasn't meant to be.
First my sister and her boy were going to come over, but they couldn't afford the flights.
So I tried to get my cousin and his wife to come over but they had other plans.
So I (desperate by then) invited my in-laws over for xmas dinner, but they had some lame excuse about him not being able to drink if they had to drive all the way here, not being allowed to smoke in our place, and something about the dog.
Little sis (who's living with us) didn't want to commit to anything and decided she wasn't in xmas spirit this year anyway. So with neither my husband nor my sister caring much for any of it, I boldly went and got a xmas tree, decorated it and hung up some lights... but it's not much fun when you're only doing it for yourself.
Anyway, we ended up being invited to a friend's place, for xmas eve dinner with an assorted bunch of random people (her 2 kids, her brother, her grandmother, the neighbour's kid and us) which turned out to be a nice evening, with lots of presents and good food, just not really the big family thing I really wanted.
Yesterday I decided to go to church, it being the 4 year anniversary of my father's death. But the church was closed... oh well, I know it was a bit silly, I mean, why would I feel closer to him in church than anywhere else. But I guess I wanted to do something that would mark the fact I had been thinking of him.
For me, Christmas is all about sharing moments with the people you love. And without those people, it just loses its meaning. Of course there's Bart, but he doesn't have the xmas spirit so it really just feels like any other day. The best part of xmas this year has been phoning mum in New Zealand for 40 minutes (hello phone bill) and my sister in Shetland for another half hour and chatting away to my nephew who spent at least 10 minutes just reciting all the presents he got.
So today I'm not making any special xmas meal and I'm back on my diet (went just a bit over points yesterday) and we didn't exchange presents (except for my sister who got me Amelie Poulain on DVD). Our present to each other was an exercise bike, and I think Bart was more than happy to be off the hook for present duty this year. Tonight we'll be having thaï green curry vegetable and beef stir fry and going to bed early.
I'm really going to try and organise to get over to New Zealand for xmas next year and hopefully have some sort of family gathering, as it should be.
First my sister and her boy were going to come over, but they couldn't afford the flights.
So I tried to get my cousin and his wife to come over but they had other plans.
So I (desperate by then) invited my in-laws over for xmas dinner, but they had some lame excuse about him not being able to drink if they had to drive all the way here, not being allowed to smoke in our place, and something about the dog.
Little sis (who's living with us) didn't want to commit to anything and decided she wasn't in xmas spirit this year anyway. So with neither my husband nor my sister caring much for any of it, I boldly went and got a xmas tree, decorated it and hung up some lights... but it's not much fun when you're only doing it for yourself.
Anyway, we ended up being invited to a friend's place, for xmas eve dinner with an assorted bunch of random people (her 2 kids, her brother, her grandmother, the neighbour's kid and us) which turned out to be a nice evening, with lots of presents and good food, just not really the big family thing I really wanted.
Yesterday I decided to go to church, it being the 4 year anniversary of my father's death. But the church was closed... oh well, I know it was a bit silly, I mean, why would I feel closer to him in church than anywhere else. But I guess I wanted to do something that would mark the fact I had been thinking of him.
For me, Christmas is all about sharing moments with the people you love. And without those people, it just loses its meaning. Of course there's Bart, but he doesn't have the xmas spirit so it really just feels like any other day. The best part of xmas this year has been phoning mum in New Zealand for 40 minutes (hello phone bill) and my sister in Shetland for another half hour and chatting away to my nephew who spent at least 10 minutes just reciting all the presents he got.
So today I'm not making any special xmas meal and I'm back on my diet (went just a bit over points yesterday) and we didn't exchange presents (except for my sister who got me Amelie Poulain on DVD). Our present to each other was an exercise bike, and I think Bart was more than happy to be off the hook for present duty this year. Tonight we'll be having thaï green curry vegetable and beef stir fry and going to bed early.
I'm really going to try and organise to get over to New Zealand for xmas next year and hopefully have some sort of family gathering, as it should be.
The beginning of the beginning
Today I resigned.
It feels good. Liberating. It feels right.
Despite the economical crisis and all the uncertainty that goes with it, I feel like I'm creating a bubble of peace and quiet. A place I can stay in for a little while, just long enough to find myself again.
Finally the future has a shape, perspective and colour, instead of the dark grey tunnel I was stuck in lately.
Today is the beginning of a new beginning :)
It feels good. Liberating. It feels right.
Despite the economical crisis and all the uncertainty that goes with it, I feel like I'm creating a bubble of peace and quiet. A place I can stay in for a little while, just long enough to find myself again.
Finally the future has a shape, perspective and colour, instead of the dark grey tunnel I was stuck in lately.
Today is the beginning of a new beginning :)
Just like that, three months flew by
I can't believe it's been 3 months since I last posted something.
I literally put my quest for the perfect career / life on hold while I was busying myself with wedding plans... which was more than worth it, as we had the most amazing day!
Now it's back to the real world, and back to waking up in the middle of the night with my jaws clenched tight, dreaming I'm late for meetings even at the weekend, 10-hour days with no toilet breaks or lunch pauses... and wondering: what the hell am I doing it for?
The plan wasn't much of a plan, I just started walking...
I've decided on a course, just going to their presentation day on September 9th to make sure, and I've even asked my boss if I could take time of work for it, after all it is related to my job and my objectives for this year. No answer yet, though (duh!).
But my weight is up and my morale is down, and after spending a blitz weekend in Provence (20 hours driving for 48 hours on location, must be the worst ratio yet...), I am convinced there has to be another way to enjoy this life. One that involves listening to crickets when you wake up in the morning, taking a walk with the dog on a road with no cars - and hardly any houses - and a dip in the pool every afternoon. Not to mention time to read, and taking most of your meals on the terrace in the sun.
How can anyone choose for the crappy, grey, stressful city alternative? Not that I don't like the view from our apartment - or the apartment itself, which still impresses me - but outside of this bubble, everything seems to be either too much or too little to really feel happy.
I have to remind myself every day that I own my life - at least the 16 hours a day I'm not paid to be working. Not easy when the work is piling up and you're used to being the solver off all problems. Leaving my computer at work in the evening and at weekends has not been an easy resolution to stick to, but I will. For the sake of my own sanity.
And, one day, I will resign. And that will be the end of that.
I literally put my quest for the perfect career / life on hold while I was busying myself with wedding plans... which was more than worth it, as we had the most amazing day!
Now it's back to the real world, and back to waking up in the middle of the night with my jaws clenched tight, dreaming I'm late for meetings even at the weekend, 10-hour days with no toilet breaks or lunch pauses... and wondering: what the hell am I doing it for?
The plan wasn't much of a plan, I just started walking...
I've decided on a course, just going to their presentation day on September 9th to make sure, and I've even asked my boss if I could take time of work for it, after all it is related to my job and my objectives for this year. No answer yet, though (duh!).
But my weight is up and my morale is down, and after spending a blitz weekend in Provence (20 hours driving for 48 hours on location, must be the worst ratio yet...), I am convinced there has to be another way to enjoy this life. One that involves listening to crickets when you wake up in the morning, taking a walk with the dog on a road with no cars - and hardly any houses - and a dip in the pool every afternoon. Not to mention time to read, and taking most of your meals on the terrace in the sun.
How can anyone choose for the crappy, grey, stressful city alternative? Not that I don't like the view from our apartment - or the apartment itself, which still impresses me - but outside of this bubble, everything seems to be either too much or too little to really feel happy.
I have to remind myself every day that I own my life - at least the 16 hours a day I'm not paid to be working. Not easy when the work is piling up and you're used to being the solver off all problems. Leaving my computer at work in the evening and at weekends has not been an easy resolution to stick to, but I will. For the sake of my own sanity.
And, one day, I will resign. And that will be the end of that.
Happy Birthday to me :)
It's not every day you turn 30.
In fact, it's a once-in-a-lifetime event.
So I'm glad I have the day off work to get used to the idea, and really enjoying the fact that it's a beautiful day, we're chilling at home in our gorgeous apartment with the windows open and I'm at peace with myself and the world around me.
This year will be the year I...
... get married :)
... make peace with my body and learn to take care of it
... change careers
... travel to an exotic location for our honeymoon
... discover Rome (my birthday present!)
... get back in touch with my creativity
In fact, it's a once-in-a-lifetime event.
So I'm glad I have the day off work to get used to the idea, and really enjoying the fact that it's a beautiful day, we're chilling at home in our gorgeous apartment with the windows open and I'm at peace with myself and the world around me.
This year will be the year I...
... get married :)
... make peace with my body and learn to take care of it
... change careers
... travel to an exotic location for our honeymoon
... discover Rome (my birthday present!)
... get back in touch with my creativity
The truth
“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me,” I was taught; one more lie among many. In truth words penetrate the unlidded ear and land in the spirit. Words carry hatred and passion and love and fear. Words have the power to shoot down and rise up. Sharp cutting words can whirl for years afterward like the rotating blades of a lawn mower.
- Louise M. Wisechild, The Mother I Carry
- Louise M. Wisechild, The Mother I Carry
Weight issues
I went out clothes shopping today. Something I try to avoid doing and would gladly never do if it wasn't for the increasing scarcity of suitable clothes in my wardrobe. And now summer's here, I really have been forced to acknowledge I just do not have enough clothes that fit me, are comfortable, look decent and don't make me look completely out of place in the hot weather.
Clothes shopping is basically the only time in the year that I see myself near naked in a full-length mirror. And I'm usually in for a nasty surprise, as I am confronted once again with my wobbly figure.
And today I suddenly realised: I have no self-image. As in: a mental image of what I look like to other people. I basically avoid mirrors, and when I do see myself, I try to concentrate on my face and hair, not so much on my butt and stomach. And I wondered: how is it possible for me to ignore the kilos of extra fat I carry around with me every day?
I suppose I had what could be called a revelation: I never developed a healthy self-image as a child. And I learned to just block any image I did have out of my mind, as it was never a pleasant one.
As far back as I can remember - around the age of 5 - I vividly recall my weight being an issue. I was taken to the doctor because I was "overweight" and used to sneak food up to my room at night. And from the same early age, I was constantly
told by my mother that I was overweight, that I shouldn't eat this or that because I would get fat. Food became a forbidden thing. With hardly a distinction between meal times and any other time of the day. And a consistent lack of consistency when it came to reinforcing any clear message: mum would bake cookies and let us eat the dough, but watch over the cookie jar like a hawk and remark that we would get fat as soon as one of us went to eat a cookie. There was obviously some invisible limit in her mind, between what we were "allowed" and what she saw as over-indulgence, but that line was never clear to me. Nor were there any clear rules about when we were or were not allowed treats. It is highly likely she made remarks about my weight at times when I was eating out of hunger, and at other times - when I maybe wasn't even hungry - she would offer a treat. In the end, I would take any treat on offer, hungry or not, as I wasn't sure if my next request for food would be met with a negative comment or not.
My mother's nickname for me at the time was "Miss Michelin", in reference to a well-known advertising figure made out of car tires.
And so began my ongoing love-hate relationship with food.
Today I realised, thinking back to old pictures of myself: I never was a fat child. I definitely wasn't skinny, but I wasn't fat.
But as a kid, at a very early age, I was taught to think of myself as fat. And to consider food to be a bad thing. Something to feel guilty about. And a way to punish myself or to defy other people.
I defied my parents during their divorce. If they didn't love me enough to stay together, I would disrespect their request for me to stay away from "forbidden" food. I gained 20 kilos in a year at age 10. A punishment to myself for not being a "good enough" reason for them to stay together.
I defied my boyfriend after he cheated on me. He didn't deserve a good-looking me, and I wanted him to see me hurt myself because of what he'd done. Food is a great way for me to hurt myself. I gained 30 kilos in 6 months (after losing 15 in the previous 4 months in the initial shock). A punishment to myself for not being "good enough" for him to stay faithful.
In between these 2 major traumatic experiences, my weight was actually quite stable. And, again, looking back at pictures at the time, I wasn't skinny, but I wasn't fat. I varied between a size 38 and a size 44. I wasn't a model, but I was healthy. Although the image I had of myself in my head was so warped, so negative, I saw myself as a huge blubbery person. And was constantly reprimanding myself whenever I gave in to any desire for food, perpetuating my mother's criticisms even though I was no longer living with her.
Today, shopping for my size 48-52 clothes, I realised I have no idea how to build a new image of myself in my head.
I am now severely overweight, and it is damaging my health.
I need to acknowledge my body as it is today, and make the necessary changes to get back to a healthy weight. And then learn to love myself at that weight, even if I still don't look like a model.
I actually don't know what ideal image my mother had in her mind all those years ago. I do know she still makes the exact same comments now as she did then, and still "allows" me to indulge only when she has decided it was ok to, whether I feel like it or not. Luckily I am not subjected to her influence more than a couple of times a year - and in every other aspect we have a very good relationship. But she has now turned to the next generation - my sister's son - and is re-enacting with him the same things we went through in our childhood.
Clothes shopping is basically the only time in the year that I see myself near naked in a full-length mirror. And I'm usually in for a nasty surprise, as I am confronted once again with my wobbly figure.
And today I suddenly realised: I have no self-image. As in: a mental image of what I look like to other people. I basically avoid mirrors, and when I do see myself, I try to concentrate on my face and hair, not so much on my butt and stomach. And I wondered: how is it possible for me to ignore the kilos of extra fat I carry around with me every day?
I suppose I had what could be called a revelation: I never developed a healthy self-image as a child. And I learned to just block any image I did have out of my mind, as it was never a pleasant one.
As far back as I can remember - around the age of 5 - I vividly recall my weight being an issue. I was taken to the doctor because I was "overweight" and used to sneak food up to my room at night. And from the same early age, I was constantly
told by my mother that I was overweight, that I shouldn't eat this or that because I would get fat. Food became a forbidden thing. With hardly a distinction between meal times and any other time of the day. And a consistent lack of consistency when it came to reinforcing any clear message: mum would bake cookies and let us eat the dough, but watch over the cookie jar like a hawk and remark that we would get fat as soon as one of us went to eat a cookie. There was obviously some invisible limit in her mind, between what we were "allowed" and what she saw as over-indulgence, but that line was never clear to me. Nor were there any clear rules about when we were or were not allowed treats. It is highly likely she made remarks about my weight at times when I was eating out of hunger, and at other times - when I maybe wasn't even hungry - she would offer a treat. In the end, I would take any treat on offer, hungry or not, as I wasn't sure if my next request for food would be met with a negative comment or not.
My mother's nickname for me at the time was "Miss Michelin", in reference to a well-known advertising figure made out of car tires.
And so began my ongoing love-hate relationship with food.
Today I realised, thinking back to old pictures of myself: I never was a fat child. I definitely wasn't skinny, but I wasn't fat.
But as a kid, at a very early age, I was taught to think of myself as fat. And to consider food to be a bad thing. Something to feel guilty about. And a way to punish myself or to defy other people.
I defied my parents during their divorce. If they didn't love me enough to stay together, I would disrespect their request for me to stay away from "forbidden" food. I gained 20 kilos in a year at age 10. A punishment to myself for not being a "good enough" reason for them to stay together.
I defied my boyfriend after he cheated on me. He didn't deserve a good-looking me, and I wanted him to see me hurt myself because of what he'd done. Food is a great way for me to hurt myself. I gained 30 kilos in 6 months (after losing 15 in the previous 4 months in the initial shock). A punishment to myself for not being "good enough" for him to stay faithful.
In between these 2 major traumatic experiences, my weight was actually quite stable. And, again, looking back at pictures at the time, I wasn't skinny, but I wasn't fat. I varied between a size 38 and a size 44. I wasn't a model, but I was healthy. Although the image I had of myself in my head was so warped, so negative, I saw myself as a huge blubbery person. And was constantly reprimanding myself whenever I gave in to any desire for food, perpetuating my mother's criticisms even though I was no longer living with her.
Today, shopping for my size 48-52 clothes, I realised I have no idea how to build a new image of myself in my head.
I am now severely overweight, and it is damaging my health.
I need to acknowledge my body as it is today, and make the necessary changes to get back to a healthy weight. And then learn to love myself at that weight, even if I still don't look like a model.
I actually don't know what ideal image my mother had in her mind all those years ago. I do know she still makes the exact same comments now as she did then, and still "allows" me to indulge only when she has decided it was ok to, whether I feel like it or not. Luckily I am not subjected to her influence more than a couple of times a year - and in every other aspect we have a very good relationship. But she has now turned to the next generation - my sister's son - and is re-enacting with him the same things we went through in our childhood.
Planning
Well, I'm completely set on achieving my goal of changing jobs - and my entire career - by September 15th at the latest, just in time for all the courses starting.
Now to work out
a) what I'll do for a job while I'm studying and
b) how I'll pay for the courses with the wedding coming up and my bank account shrinking every month.
But I'm certain I have to get out of my current job and take the dive.
That's already a huge step as far as I'm concerned.
Now to work out
a) what I'll do for a job while I'm studying and
b) how I'll pay for the courses with the wedding coming up and my bank account shrinking every month.
But I'm certain I have to get out of my current job and take the dive.
That's already a huge step as far as I'm concerned.
Not right now
In a bit of a bad place right now, or at least not one where I feel like making plans or working on any kind of project.
I had a splitting headache all day, probably my own fault due to bad wine I had last night.
I want to whine. Bitch about life. How I'm so angry at myself for not being able to see clearly and pull things together. How I want to get away from it all but realise there's nowhere to run when you're trying to escape yourself.
It's such a contradiction. I want to do so many things, and at the same time I don't have the courage or the energy to do any of them.
My head is a constant muddle of thoughts, yet nothing actually seems to go from thought to action.
And at the same time I know I would be happier if I would just:
- quit my job
- live abroad, in a house by the sea
- take up painting and horse riding
- go rock climbing or cave exploring
- get a cat
- sell everything I own and buy new clothes
- eat healthily and drink water
Still doesn't answer the question of how I'd actually earn a living, and nothing seems appealing at all for that purpose.
Maybe I should put my life up for sale on Ebay and live off that for a while.
I had a splitting headache all day, probably my own fault due to bad wine I had last night.
I want to whine. Bitch about life. How I'm so angry at myself for not being able to see clearly and pull things together. How I want to get away from it all but realise there's nowhere to run when you're trying to escape yourself.
It's such a contradiction. I want to do so many things, and at the same time I don't have the courage or the energy to do any of them.
My head is a constant muddle of thoughts, yet nothing actually seems to go from thought to action.
And at the same time I know I would be happier if I would just:
- quit my job
- live abroad, in a house by the sea
- take up painting and horse riding
- go rock climbing or cave exploring
- get a cat
- sell everything I own and buy new clothes
- eat healthily and drink water
Still doesn't answer the question of how I'd actually earn a living, and nothing seems appealing at all for that purpose.
Maybe I should put my life up for sale on Ebay and live off that for a while.
My Scanner Daybook - Prologue
Okay, so I started reading the book by Barbara Sher "What do I do when I want to do everything".
And so far I can absolutely relate to the people she calls "Scanners" (not very sexy, huh?).
Anyway, she recommends keeping a "Scanner Daybook", which is supposed to be a real book you write and draw in, but I'm going to be rebellious and try my own online version.
Here goes...
And so far I can absolutely relate to the people she calls "Scanners" (not very sexy, huh?).
Anyway, she recommends keeping a "Scanner Daybook", which is supposed to be a real book you write and draw in, but I'm going to be rebellious and try my own online version.
Here goes...
Procrastination... or the art of diversification
It's not that I just lie in bed all day, comatose. I actually get up, with a long list of things I could/should do.
Well, "list" isn't exactly accurate, seeing as I rarely make lists unless things have really gotten out of control. It's more like a vague cluster of random thoughts and unspoken possibilities (put together bathroom cupboard... fill in time sheets... read book... take table down to basement... wax legs...), a seemingly endless ocean of things I vaguely believe require my attention.
So how do I manage to not only do none of the things I considered doing when I woke up this morning, but actually spend most of my day absorbed by some compelling new activity (in this case an adventure through the fascinating world of blogging, trying to discover all the cool features you can add to your blog, signing up to multiple sites, testing, debugging...)?
My life is an endless collection of similar behaviour. I always end up adding more "to dos" to my list, by embarking on some new hobby or discovering some new gimmick.
And I suppose one new thing being added automatically means something else gets left behind. I'm sure it would be cool to see a visual representation of the whole process. And how my mind actually decides what to "keep" and what to discard.
I don't think anyone would believe how many half-read books are in my bookshelf, how many hobbies I bought supplies for that are sitting in some cupboard, half used up, how many amazing plans I have spent time exploring but never actually put into practice.
So, am I really a procrastinator? Or can I actually make peace with the fact I will always take more pleasure in starting something that I will in finishing it? Can I accept that I will probably never become an expert in anything, but will continue to know a bit about everything, which -for lack of any other purpose - can always come in handy at boring dinner parties?
Well, "list" isn't exactly accurate, seeing as I rarely make lists unless things have really gotten out of control. It's more like a vague cluster of random thoughts and unspoken possibilities (put together bathroom cupboard... fill in time sheets... read book... take table down to basement... wax legs...), a seemingly endless ocean of things I vaguely believe require my attention.
So how do I manage to not only do none of the things I considered doing when I woke up this morning, but actually spend most of my day absorbed by some compelling new activity (in this case an adventure through the fascinating world of blogging, trying to discover all the cool features you can add to your blog, signing up to multiple sites, testing, debugging...)?
My life is an endless collection of similar behaviour. I always end up adding more "to dos" to my list, by embarking on some new hobby or discovering some new gimmick.
And I suppose one new thing being added automatically means something else gets left behind. I'm sure it would be cool to see a visual representation of the whole process. And how my mind actually decides what to "keep" and what to discard.
I don't think anyone would believe how many half-read books are in my bookshelf, how many hobbies I bought supplies for that are sitting in some cupboard, half used up, how many amazing plans I have spent time exploring but never actually put into practice.
So, am I really a procrastinator? Or can I actually make peace with the fact I will always take more pleasure in starting something that I will in finishing it? Can I accept that I will probably never become an expert in anything, but will continue to know a bit about everything, which -for lack of any other purpose - can always come in handy at boring dinner parties?