I was up last night till 2 in the morning, unable to sleep, and started browsing the internet for information about food allergies and food addiction, a topic I've seen pop up on a few other blogs, and I stumbled across some videos on YouTube. The girl in them - Josie - has been doing research into Emotional Eating and was sharing her findings, and everything she said really made so much sense.
So, if like me you're not only trying to shift the excess weight, but also wondering what goes on in your brain to cause you to overeat in the first place, if you're prone to emotional eating and want to understand why, you really should check out these videos. You can find them here: http://www.youtube.com/user/josielenore
I really recommend you watch all the videos, but I'll give a quick summary of them here (and this is in my own words, so you might take something slightly different away after watching them):
a) our excess weight initially comes from emotional eating. Once we start trying to lose the weight through dieting, we get stuck in a vicious circle of repression (diet) -> binge eating -> guilt -> more repression...
b) the binges can be curbed by stopping the repressive attitude towards food. To do that, we need to eat more intuitively and let our body decide what it needs to be healthy (instead of strictly calorie counting...) - by eliminating foods we are intolerant to, listening to our bodies' hunger signals, stopping when we're full... the video that touches on this - "Take a Skinny Friend to Lunch Week" - is really interesting as it highlights the differences in the way we - dieters - approach food as opposed to the way naturally skinny people approach food. And I live with a naturally skinny person, so I have plenty of opportunities to study those differences and learn from them!
c) once the binges are curbed, we're basically left with the emotional eating, which stems from a really interesting coping mechanism we learnt in childhood. There are several concepts in this part, which I find absolutely fascinating. One of them is learned helplessness (the experiment with the dogs explains it really well - check out the video for the full explanation), which means that if, in childhood, we learned we were powerless to solve a problem, we will continue, in adulthood, when faced with a similar problem, to believe we are powerless to solve it, without even trying...
The second concept concerns task-oriented and emotion-oriented coping strategies, or as Josie calls them, soothing and solving: when faced with a problem, do you focus on solving the problem, or do you focus on getting rid of the feelings (anxiety, fear, sadness) that the problem provokes in you?
We all have situations in which we are task-oriented: for me, it's stuff like organising a party, managing projects at work, organising holidays... I just analyse the situation, then act to get things done efficiently.
And then there are the situations in which we resort to soothing (emotion-oriented coping). This happens so instinctively that we don't even realise what's happened until we're half way through the cookie jar. We feel helpless (because of learned helplessness) in the situation and don't even try to solve it, we just assume - on an entirely subconscious level - that we can't do anything about it, so we reach for a bag of crisps and a beer (in my case) to soothe the emotions the situation provokes.
Identifying the trigger situations in which we instinctively "soothe" instead of "solve" can really help stop us from emotional eating. I think I do it mostly in inter-personal situation where there's a risk of conflict. I can't stand the idea of telling certain people I'm not OK with their attitude, or don't agree with them, so I avoid the conflict by stuffing my feelings down with food. The other situation in which I comfort eat is when I'm bored. Instead of taking 5 minutes to actually think about all the things that I could be doing (and there are a lot of them!), I panic... and do the one thing I feel "safe" doing: eat.
Some of the other really interesting things I picked up from these videos:
- These mechanisms go back to our childhood and are deeply ingrained. I learned these coping mechanisms during my parents' divorce, when I was 9 years old, the same age Josie was. And she mentions she was taught to diet at age 10. Same here.
- She also makes a link between being brought up by an extremely strict parent and resorting to emotional eating (as a child you are helpless to solve situations when you are brought up that way - the strict parent always decides for you), which also hits home for me. I also think a lot of it had to do with the fact that neither of my parents actually wanted to know what I was feeling and if I was OK. I had all these emotions and no one to talk to about them. So with no way to address and resolve my feelings, I stuffed them down with food.
I hope you find this useful... I'm going to pay much more attention to any triggers that have me reaching for the cupboard or fridge, and I'm also going to try to be more intuitive in my eating patterns, I will keep planning and tracking what I'm eating, but will eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm full and won't beat myself up when I go over points...
If you stumble across any more interesting articles or videos about this, please post them in the comments!
Editing to add: I just found Josie's blog on blogger, if you want to follow her :) http://thinside-out.blogspot.com/
About Me
- Sara
- I think too much. And this is where those thoughts usually end up. I'm about to become a mum for the first time, and have therefore put my dieting goals on hold for the time being. I'm also currently freelancing and wondering what I want to do with the rest of my life...
Showing posts with label psychology. Show all posts
Showing posts with label psychology. Show all posts
Out of the snake pit and into the fire
This week was my last week at work.
I'm having a lot of mixed feelings about it and feeling quite unsettled.
I should feel nothing but relief at it all being over, but it's actually left me with a bitter taste in my mouth and a nagging feeling I can't quite put my finger on.
First of all, tensions at work have been at an all-time high. My boss's wife and my boss have been conspiring to get a colleague fired. The 2 other managers intervened to insist they give her feedback on exactly why they weren't happy with her work first. Seeing as it's all a witch hunt and there's nothing wrong with her work, I'm not sure how they're going to handle that.
Then, the very same day, the colleague in question sent in an official request to work 4/5th, which she is legally entitled to as a mother of 2 young children. The boss exploded and gave her hell for sending in the request by registered mail instead of coming to see him about it first - so he could pressure her out of it, no doubt. He feels working 4/5th is incompatible with her level of responsibility and apparently mentioned "how difficult it was with Sara (me) working part-time". Ass-wipe. I've gone above and beyond to accommodate meetings, conference calls and work, shifting my schedule as necessary, taking time out of my days off to call in to several conference calls... The guy just refuses to see that we are all willing to make concessions - and he refuses to make any. He also twists reality to suit him whenever he wants to make a point in a discussion. He's done it so many times before it's amazing he still gets away with it almost every time.
On my last day, Thursday, I went to hand in my car and other stuff, and bumped into the HR/Finance Director, who invited me into his office for a chat. He said he would be interested in getting my thoughts on how the company was working - he is only involved from a distance, as we're an independent entity and the "mother company" provides us with HR and Financial support". So I told him. Everything. I said there were 2 main problems: poor people management and the boss's wife. And I gave numerous examples. I apologised for giving a negative opinion, but he assured me he found my input very objective. Apparently it confirms suspicions he already had. He was dead set against the boss's wife working with him as it is unethical. He wasn't the only one, but the boss eventually managed to convince the other shareholders. So my interview with the HR Director could mean trouble for them.
Then, after the meeting I cleaned out my desk and said goodbye to the few people who were in the office that day. We'd agreed I would come back next week for a goodbye lunch when more people were able to make it. I then went back Friday to pick up my official papers and bumped into one of my former clients - who still hadn't been informed by the boss that I was leaving, despite him assuring me he would do it before I left. I also bumped into the boss, who was in a foul mood and barely grunted in recognition when I said hello. A colleague then told me there had been a huge blow-out between yet another colleague and the boss's wife that morning, and that she'd been heard on the phone complaining to her husband and demanding he intervene. That had resulted in an argument between the boss and the colleague's direct superior. The atmosphere in the office was heavy to say the least.
When I got home, I received an email from another former client, asking me if I would be interested in doing the work I was doing for them before, but on a freelance basis. It's a huge project, one I'm familiar with and have managed several years in a row, but this would mean taking business away from my former employer - although there's a big chance that if I refuse, the client won't work with him anyway. But I know my ex-boss will consider me a traitor if I accept.
Then that night I had a really weird dream - I was with my 2 sisters, my mother and her husband (my stepfather) on a pier in a harbour. I was very upset and was trying to get away from my stepfather. He was naked and was somehow trying to convince me that it was normal. I locked myself in a bathroom, which was standing on the pier, only to realise it had glass walls. I was even more upset because I had just taken a shower and now realised my stepfather had seen everything. At this point, my sister - who was raised by our stepfather and mother while I lived with my father - apologised to me for not warning me that that was "just the way things were" and informed me there was a screen I could use to place in front of the shower next time. I looked down and realised I was sitting on the floor, cutting into my arms. At this point, I woke up, turned around in bed, coming face to face with Bart (asleep) and yelled out in shock.
I believe the interpretation of the dream lies in seeing my stepfather not as himself but as a "substitute father figure", aka my former boss. I obviousy feel like I have things to hide from him, because I have been talking to people behind his back, and feel threatened by him.
I am also thinking a lot about how I have always had a "controller" in my life. Someone with a huge influence on me that always bordered on abuse. First it was my father, then when I left home I got caught up in an incredibly unhealthy relationship with Bart who was emotionally abusive and cheated on me. Immediately after I found out and while we were trying to work things out, I started my job and found another controller in my new boss (and his wife).
Perhaps this goes some way to explaining why I'm feeling so unsettled and why I've been over-eating all week. I imagine these people to be like reference points in my life, people who have such a huge influence over my thoughts, feelings and actions that my whole life ends up gravitating around them. Remove the focal point and all of a sudden I feel lost, in the strangest way.
I need to dig deeper into this because there is of course a risk I am going to find a new controller to fill in the empty space my boss has left. Right now he's still doing his job, as I am creating scenarios where my actions will no doubt provoke a reaction on his behalf (my meeting with the HR Director, the contacts with my former clients, my involvement in my other colleagues' situations) but that won't last forever.
It's a strange realisation to come to, that I am attracting the very people who hurt me most, in order to perpetrate some unhealthy scheme I have been a part of since I was born.
I'm having a lot of mixed feelings about it and feeling quite unsettled.
I should feel nothing but relief at it all being over, but it's actually left me with a bitter taste in my mouth and a nagging feeling I can't quite put my finger on.
First of all, tensions at work have been at an all-time high. My boss's wife and my boss have been conspiring to get a colleague fired. The 2 other managers intervened to insist they give her feedback on exactly why they weren't happy with her work first. Seeing as it's all a witch hunt and there's nothing wrong with her work, I'm not sure how they're going to handle that.
Then, the very same day, the colleague in question sent in an official request to work 4/5th, which she is legally entitled to as a mother of 2 young children. The boss exploded and gave her hell for sending in the request by registered mail instead of coming to see him about it first - so he could pressure her out of it, no doubt. He feels working 4/5th is incompatible with her level of responsibility and apparently mentioned "how difficult it was with Sara (me) working part-time". Ass-wipe. I've gone above and beyond to accommodate meetings, conference calls and work, shifting my schedule as necessary, taking time out of my days off to call in to several conference calls... The guy just refuses to see that we are all willing to make concessions - and he refuses to make any. He also twists reality to suit him whenever he wants to make a point in a discussion. He's done it so many times before it's amazing he still gets away with it almost every time.
On my last day, Thursday, I went to hand in my car and other stuff, and bumped into the HR/Finance Director, who invited me into his office for a chat. He said he would be interested in getting my thoughts on how the company was working - he is only involved from a distance, as we're an independent entity and the "mother company" provides us with HR and Financial support". So I told him. Everything. I said there were 2 main problems: poor people management and the boss's wife. And I gave numerous examples. I apologised for giving a negative opinion, but he assured me he found my input very objective. Apparently it confirms suspicions he already had. He was dead set against the boss's wife working with him as it is unethical. He wasn't the only one, but the boss eventually managed to convince the other shareholders. So my interview with the HR Director could mean trouble for them.
Then, after the meeting I cleaned out my desk and said goodbye to the few people who were in the office that day. We'd agreed I would come back next week for a goodbye lunch when more people were able to make it. I then went back Friday to pick up my official papers and bumped into one of my former clients - who still hadn't been informed by the boss that I was leaving, despite him assuring me he would do it before I left. I also bumped into the boss, who was in a foul mood and barely grunted in recognition when I said hello. A colleague then told me there had been a huge blow-out between yet another colleague and the boss's wife that morning, and that she'd been heard on the phone complaining to her husband and demanding he intervene. That had resulted in an argument between the boss and the colleague's direct superior. The atmosphere in the office was heavy to say the least.
When I got home, I received an email from another former client, asking me if I would be interested in doing the work I was doing for them before, but on a freelance basis. It's a huge project, one I'm familiar with and have managed several years in a row, but this would mean taking business away from my former employer - although there's a big chance that if I refuse, the client won't work with him anyway. But I know my ex-boss will consider me a traitor if I accept.
Then that night I had a really weird dream - I was with my 2 sisters, my mother and her husband (my stepfather) on a pier in a harbour. I was very upset and was trying to get away from my stepfather. He was naked and was somehow trying to convince me that it was normal. I locked myself in a bathroom, which was standing on the pier, only to realise it had glass walls. I was even more upset because I had just taken a shower and now realised my stepfather had seen everything. At this point, my sister - who was raised by our stepfather and mother while I lived with my father - apologised to me for not warning me that that was "just the way things were" and informed me there was a screen I could use to place in front of the shower next time. I looked down and realised I was sitting on the floor, cutting into my arms. At this point, I woke up, turned around in bed, coming face to face with Bart (asleep) and yelled out in shock.
I believe the interpretation of the dream lies in seeing my stepfather not as himself but as a "substitute father figure", aka my former boss. I obviousy feel like I have things to hide from him, because I have been talking to people behind his back, and feel threatened by him.
I am also thinking a lot about how I have always had a "controller" in my life. Someone with a huge influence on me that always bordered on abuse. First it was my father, then when I left home I got caught up in an incredibly unhealthy relationship with Bart who was emotionally abusive and cheated on me. Immediately after I found out and while we were trying to work things out, I started my job and found another controller in my new boss (and his wife).
Perhaps this goes some way to explaining why I'm feeling so unsettled and why I've been over-eating all week. I imagine these people to be like reference points in my life, people who have such a huge influence over my thoughts, feelings and actions that my whole life ends up gravitating around them. Remove the focal point and all of a sudden I feel lost, in the strangest way.
I need to dig deeper into this because there is of course a risk I am going to find a new controller to fill in the empty space my boss has left. Right now he's still doing his job, as I am creating scenarios where my actions will no doubt provoke a reaction on his behalf (my meeting with the HR Director, the contacts with my former clients, my involvement in my other colleagues' situations) but that won't last forever.
It's a strange realisation to come to, that I am attracting the very people who hurt me most, in order to perpetrate some unhealthy scheme I have been a part of since I was born.
My psychopathic boss
The more distance I take from work, the more amazed I am by just how manipulative and controlling my (soon to be former) boss is. I see my colleagues suffering time and time again from his flagrant lack of respect and vicious techniques.
I am starting to think I should document the multiple incidences that prove just how noxious he - and his wife - are.
Like the time a colleague dared to ask to work 4/5th, or at least a rhythm that would allow her to go home at 5 every day and pick her kids up from school, and the boss and his wife gave her the silent treatment for weeks afterwards. Other colleagues picked up on the vibes and avoided her too. Of course, I invited her out for lunch ;) When I got back to the office, I received a mail from the boss: "Have you just been to lunch with K.?".
I mean, WTF? My first reaction was guilt. What had I done? My immediate second reaction was indignation. Why wouldn't I be allowed to go to lunch with her?!? So I answered "Yes, why?". I have to highlight that by now most of us would have been making up excuses for our behaviour and asking for forgiveness, so my response was quite bold. At the time I had already identified a lot of his techniques and wasn't prepared to let him "get to me" any more. My response was what became a typical countering technique to neutralise his attacks.
I was told by him numerous times in the first year I worked there that I was "incapable of motivating a team", "a bad people manager", "didn't have any authority over my team members"... In the beginning, I would take the blow full-on, cry, recognise my inability and suggest receiving appropriate training. This was met with a "it's not something you learn, it's something that you either have or don't".
Then one day, I was called into his office after his wife (also my superior) "ratted" on me for not doing something to her high standards (without even confronting me about it first). I got the first degree, was told I was doing a crap job, demotivating everyone, bla, bla, bla. Then he said if it continued he would have to draw his conclusions and take me off the client. I snapped. At that moment I decided I wouldn't take the abuse any longer (and it was abuse: I was doing a great job. My clients all loved me. I was juggling more projects than anyone else. The only real problem was his wife's management style and expectations).
So I snapped, and replied: "Fine, take me off this client". His response was a shocked: "Where is your implication?!?". To which I replied: "If it means being treated like this, I'd rather quit. Now I'm going to get back to work and finish what I was busy with, and when you've made a decision, you can let me know whether or not I still work here. Because if it's really as bad as you make it sound, you should fire me.". He was speechless (lol). And from that day on I slowly took back some of the dignity and self-respect they had robbed me of.
I have seen so many colleagues suffer from similar humiliations and unjust accusations.
People work their asses off - easily working 50, 60 hours a week to get more than their fair share of work done - I've worked 80 hour weeks several times over the past 3 years - and instead of praise, they get blamed for the slightest thing they don't do absolutely, perfectly right.
The easiest victims are the ones who lack self-confidence. A couple of colleagues seem more immune to their games because they have a stronger sense of self-worth, but even they are cracked after a while - a really promising young colleague has been continuously refused a promotion because he's "not ready yet" and ends up believing he has no other options because no other company would want him. Where he gets that idea from is beyond me! He's one of the best people I've worked with and is already doing the job that the refused promotion requires of him. He deserves that title!
3 years ago, just after I arrived, we were promised that if we reached our quarterly target, we would be rewarded with a long weekend in Marrakesh. We worked our butts off for the next 3 months, went way over target, but the trip never came. The excuse? They couldn't find a date that would suit everybody.
They pulled the same trick the next year. And the year after that. We pulverised every target set for us. We got no reward. No bonus. Meagre pay rises given I am convinced solely to keep us quiet - I got a 5% pay rise after 2.5 years: peanuts.
Now, it's crisis and every pay rise that was promised last year has been put on hold, indefinitely.
On Thursday September 25th 2008 I couldn't get out of bed. I had been suffering from headache, backache, acid reflux, toothache due to clenching my jaws in my sleep, high blood pressure, stomach pains and panic attacks. I had been doing the job of 4 people due to poor holiday planning - they were all on holiday at the same time, all working on at least one project with me, I needed to cover for all of them. I had been pushing myself to my limit - again.
At 10.30 a.m. the first call came, there was a problem on a project, I needed to solve it. 2 hours later the second bomb dropped. I spent the rest of the day on the phone, behind my computer, worked from home to solve all the issues - this after having called in sick.
The next morning I went to work. I opened my mailbox to discover 120 new mails received between 8 p.m. the day before and 9.30 a.m. that morning - everyone was doing overtime. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for half an hour, packed my things and went home. On the Monday I resigned.
In 2 weeks' time I will close the door on this chapter of my professional life, on some great colleagues, almost a family, on clients I've built a bond with over the years and on my boss and his wife. I can relativise everything a lot more now, especially as I'm working part time, my workload has decreased tremendously and I know I'm on my way out. And I can't help wondering how someone can get away with treating people like that for so long. How the brilliant, young, talented people I work with manage to get dragged into his games and suffer them for years and yet not have the survival instinct to get out.
I think it's a combination of seeking acceptance and recognition, poor self-worth, low self-esteem and a certain cultural stoicism that explain why most of my colleagues are still there today.
There is also the fact that my boss is an extremely charismatic person, he can be charming and funny, he likes to go out, have a few drinks, act crazy with his employees. He is someone people look up to. People want to be like him and be liked by him. And I guess that's what gives him power over them.
I've started reading the book "Snakes in Suits: Psychopaths in the Workplace", and I hope it will provide me with some insight into how his mind works and make his tricks more transparent. I want to be able to recognise people like him next time I meet one, so I can steer clear of them.
I spent years as an adolescent living with an emotionally abusive father. I knew something was wrong but couldn't put my finger on it. The manipulations and the abuse is so subtle it's difficult to put it into words. I thought I was crazy. I minimised it. One day, years later, I was able to find a name for his "illness": NPD, narcissistic personality disorder, confirmed by his oncologist several years later, a few days before he passed away.
It took me months of therapy before his death to develop coping mechanisms, to learn to build a protective barrier between us and shield myself from his attacks. I thought I could control it. I thought I would be able to protect myself from it happening again, but it happened again anyway.
The one thing I learnt that saved me is to always respect yourself. Other people will only respect you as much as you respect yourself. Give an abusive person the opportunity to abuse you and they will. Let them get away with it and they will do it again, and again, and again. And every attack takes away a little part of you, a little piece of your self-worth, until you feel you deserve no better, until you become the useless, worthless person you see reflected in your abusers eyes.
Abusers are not used to resistance. And emotional abusers will usually back off from anyone who is capable of consistently resisting them. Having said that, my advice is, no matter how strong you are, get as far away from them as you can, as quickly as you can.
I am starting to think I should document the multiple incidences that prove just how noxious he - and his wife - are.
Like the time a colleague dared to ask to work 4/5th, or at least a rhythm that would allow her to go home at 5 every day and pick her kids up from school, and the boss and his wife gave her the silent treatment for weeks afterwards. Other colleagues picked up on the vibes and avoided her too. Of course, I invited her out for lunch ;) When I got back to the office, I received a mail from the boss: "Have you just been to lunch with K.?".
I mean, WTF? My first reaction was guilt. What had I done? My immediate second reaction was indignation. Why wouldn't I be allowed to go to lunch with her?!? So I answered "Yes, why?". I have to highlight that by now most of us would have been making up excuses for our behaviour and asking for forgiveness, so my response was quite bold. At the time I had already identified a lot of his techniques and wasn't prepared to let him "get to me" any more. My response was what became a typical countering technique to neutralise his attacks.
I was told by him numerous times in the first year I worked there that I was "incapable of motivating a team", "a bad people manager", "didn't have any authority over my team members"... In the beginning, I would take the blow full-on, cry, recognise my inability and suggest receiving appropriate training. This was met with a "it's not something you learn, it's something that you either have or don't".
Then one day, I was called into his office after his wife (also my superior) "ratted" on me for not doing something to her high standards (without even confronting me about it first). I got the first degree, was told I was doing a crap job, demotivating everyone, bla, bla, bla. Then he said if it continued he would have to draw his conclusions and take me off the client. I snapped. At that moment I decided I wouldn't take the abuse any longer (and it was abuse: I was doing a great job. My clients all loved me. I was juggling more projects than anyone else. The only real problem was his wife's management style and expectations).
So I snapped, and replied: "Fine, take me off this client". His response was a shocked: "Where is your implication?!?". To which I replied: "If it means being treated like this, I'd rather quit. Now I'm going to get back to work and finish what I was busy with, and when you've made a decision, you can let me know whether or not I still work here. Because if it's really as bad as you make it sound, you should fire me.". He was speechless (lol). And from that day on I slowly took back some of the dignity and self-respect they had robbed me of.
I have seen so many colleagues suffer from similar humiliations and unjust accusations.
People work their asses off - easily working 50, 60 hours a week to get more than their fair share of work done - I've worked 80 hour weeks several times over the past 3 years - and instead of praise, they get blamed for the slightest thing they don't do absolutely, perfectly right.
The easiest victims are the ones who lack self-confidence. A couple of colleagues seem more immune to their games because they have a stronger sense of self-worth, but even they are cracked after a while - a really promising young colleague has been continuously refused a promotion because he's "not ready yet" and ends up believing he has no other options because no other company would want him. Where he gets that idea from is beyond me! He's one of the best people I've worked with and is already doing the job that the refused promotion requires of him. He deserves that title!
3 years ago, just after I arrived, we were promised that if we reached our quarterly target, we would be rewarded with a long weekend in Marrakesh. We worked our butts off for the next 3 months, went way over target, but the trip never came. The excuse? They couldn't find a date that would suit everybody.
They pulled the same trick the next year. And the year after that. We pulverised every target set for us. We got no reward. No bonus. Meagre pay rises given I am convinced solely to keep us quiet - I got a 5% pay rise after 2.5 years: peanuts.
Now, it's crisis and every pay rise that was promised last year has been put on hold, indefinitely.
On Thursday September 25th 2008 I couldn't get out of bed. I had been suffering from headache, backache, acid reflux, toothache due to clenching my jaws in my sleep, high blood pressure, stomach pains and panic attacks. I had been doing the job of 4 people due to poor holiday planning - they were all on holiday at the same time, all working on at least one project with me, I needed to cover for all of them. I had been pushing myself to my limit - again.
At 10.30 a.m. the first call came, there was a problem on a project, I needed to solve it. 2 hours later the second bomb dropped. I spent the rest of the day on the phone, behind my computer, worked from home to solve all the issues - this after having called in sick.
The next morning I went to work. I opened my mailbox to discover 120 new mails received between 8 p.m. the day before and 9.30 a.m. that morning - everyone was doing overtime. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for half an hour, packed my things and went home. On the Monday I resigned.
In 2 weeks' time I will close the door on this chapter of my professional life, on some great colleagues, almost a family, on clients I've built a bond with over the years and on my boss and his wife. I can relativise everything a lot more now, especially as I'm working part time, my workload has decreased tremendously and I know I'm on my way out. And I can't help wondering how someone can get away with treating people like that for so long. How the brilliant, young, talented people I work with manage to get dragged into his games and suffer them for years and yet not have the survival instinct to get out.
I think it's a combination of seeking acceptance and recognition, poor self-worth, low self-esteem and a certain cultural stoicism that explain why most of my colleagues are still there today.
There is also the fact that my boss is an extremely charismatic person, he can be charming and funny, he likes to go out, have a few drinks, act crazy with his employees. He is someone people look up to. People want to be like him and be liked by him. And I guess that's what gives him power over them.
I've started reading the book "Snakes in Suits: Psychopaths in the Workplace", and I hope it will provide me with some insight into how his mind works and make his tricks more transparent. I want to be able to recognise people like him next time I meet one, so I can steer clear of them.
I spent years as an adolescent living with an emotionally abusive father. I knew something was wrong but couldn't put my finger on it. The manipulations and the abuse is so subtle it's difficult to put it into words. I thought I was crazy. I minimised it. One day, years later, I was able to find a name for his "illness": NPD, narcissistic personality disorder, confirmed by his oncologist several years later, a few days before he passed away.
It took me months of therapy before his death to develop coping mechanisms, to learn to build a protective barrier between us and shield myself from his attacks. I thought I could control it. I thought I would be able to protect myself from it happening again, but it happened again anyway.
The one thing I learnt that saved me is to always respect yourself. Other people will only respect you as much as you respect yourself. Give an abusive person the opportunity to abuse you and they will. Let them get away with it and they will do it again, and again, and again. And every attack takes away a little part of you, a little piece of your self-worth, until you feel you deserve no better, until you become the useless, worthless person you see reflected in your abusers eyes.
Abusers are not used to resistance. And emotional abusers will usually back off from anyone who is capable of consistently resisting them. Having said that, my advice is, no matter how strong you are, get as far away from them as you can, as quickly as you can.
"I deserve it"
Today I came home really late after a client meeting that lasted longer than it should have.
These past 2 years this had been such a frequent occurrence that it had almost become the norm, but the last couple of months, with the reduced work pressure, it hadn't happened any more.
So today I came home, after 8, and declared I had absolutely no energy to cook, so Bart proposed take-away. So I picked up the take-away leaflet and wondered what I could order that was within points, and almost immediately a loud inner voice replied "take what you want, you've deserved it!".
And I almost did - until I realised it was a voice I hadn't heard for over 2 months and that it was its absence that had allowed me to lose the weight up till now. And that for the 2 previous years I had listened to it, and piled on the 5 stone I'm now trying to lose as a consequence.
I don't know exactly why I equate (unhealthy) food so much with rewarding myself, or why I even consider something that harms me to be something I deserve, but I'm glad I've been able to take enough distance from my over-worked, over-stressed lifestyle to escape the pressure long enough that the voice doesn't feel like such a "normal" part of my life any more.
These past 2 years this had been such a frequent occurrence that it had almost become the norm, but the last couple of months, with the reduced work pressure, it hadn't happened any more.
So today I came home, after 8, and declared I had absolutely no energy to cook, so Bart proposed take-away. So I picked up the take-away leaflet and wondered what I could order that was within points, and almost immediately a loud inner voice replied "take what you want, you've deserved it!".
And I almost did - until I realised it was a voice I hadn't heard for over 2 months and that it was its absence that had allowed me to lose the weight up till now. And that for the 2 previous years I had listened to it, and piled on the 5 stone I'm now trying to lose as a consequence.
I don't know exactly why I equate (unhealthy) food so much with rewarding myself, or why I even consider something that harms me to be something I deserve, but I'm glad I've been able to take enough distance from my over-worked, over-stressed lifestyle to escape the pressure long enough that the voice doesn't feel like such a "normal" part of my life any more.
Training, doubt and procrastination (again)
Yesterday I was thinking about a recruitment ad I saw for freelance English teachers at a language school and noticed they mentioned requiring a TEFL certificate. So I decided to look into how to obtain one and found a course in London which looks really interesting. It's a 1 month course and with the pound so low, works out quite cheap compared to other similar courses.
I'm thinking: if I can get a job giving trainings in English via one of the language schools in Brussels - a subject I obviously have an advantage in, it being my mother tongue - I can build up experience in training and move on to give other subjects that interest me maybe a bit more (the "personal development" subjects, like conflict management, assertive communication, etc).
So I took the plunge and sent off an application for the course. There's a 30 minute phone interview and if I'm accepted, hopefully I can get on the course that starts in March!!
Which also means I get to live in London for a month! I've got quite a few friends living there and one of them has already offered me a place to stay during the course, and I'm frankly quite excited about the whole idea :)
Bart on the other hand was a bit sceptical and put quite a damper on the whole project last night, saying he didn't see why I was taking a course in something that wasn't what I wanted to give trainings in initially. I don't know if he was being really short-sighted or acting like that because he's afraid of me going off for a month, but it made me second-guess myself for a moment and I hate that. It reminded me so much of my father, always destroying all my projects and making me feel inept and incapable of deciding anything for myself.
I also realised that it was no wonder I had such a hard time deciding what I wanted in life, after living for so long with someone who always decided everything for me and made sure I never got to choose my own path.
I actually found an interesting article on the website of Psychology Today, linking my father's attitude with my current tendency to procrastinate. It says: "Procrastinators are made not born. Procrastination is (...) one response to an authoritarian parenting style. Having a harsh, controlling father keeps children from developing the ability to regulate themselves, from internalizing their own intentions and then learning to act on them. Procrastination can even be a form of rebellion, one of the few forms available under such circumstances."
Anyway, I explained all this to Bart and I think we've sorted it out. Now to hear back from the school and see if I can get accepted... and we'll take it from there.
I'm thinking: if I can get a job giving trainings in English via one of the language schools in Brussels - a subject I obviously have an advantage in, it being my mother tongue - I can build up experience in training and move on to give other subjects that interest me maybe a bit more (the "personal development" subjects, like conflict management, assertive communication, etc).
So I took the plunge and sent off an application for the course. There's a 30 minute phone interview and if I'm accepted, hopefully I can get on the course that starts in March!!
Which also means I get to live in London for a month! I've got quite a few friends living there and one of them has already offered me a place to stay during the course, and I'm frankly quite excited about the whole idea :)
Bart on the other hand was a bit sceptical and put quite a damper on the whole project last night, saying he didn't see why I was taking a course in something that wasn't what I wanted to give trainings in initially. I don't know if he was being really short-sighted or acting like that because he's afraid of me going off for a month, but it made me second-guess myself for a moment and I hate that. It reminded me so much of my father, always destroying all my projects and making me feel inept and incapable of deciding anything for myself.
I also realised that it was no wonder I had such a hard time deciding what I wanted in life, after living for so long with someone who always decided everything for me and made sure I never got to choose my own path.
I actually found an interesting article on the website of Psychology Today, linking my father's attitude with my current tendency to procrastinate. It says: "Procrastinators are made not born. Procrastination is (...) one response to an authoritarian parenting style. Having a harsh, controlling father keeps children from developing the ability to regulate themselves, from internalizing their own intentions and then learning to act on them. Procrastination can even be a form of rebellion, one of the few forms available under such circumstances."
Anyway, I explained all this to Bart and I think we've sorted it out. Now to hear back from the school and see if I can get accepted... and we'll take it from there.
Part-time work, happiness and getting to goal
Last night Bart commented that he hadn't seen me this happy for this many days in a row for a very long time.
I was kind of shocked to hear him say that.
I mentioned it to a colleague at lunchtime today, and she confirmed that other people at work had also commented on the difference.
Had I really been so grumpy and seemed so unhappy this past year?
The answer is probably "yes". Daily frustrations and stress at work just stacking up and compounding into a permanent ball of resentment against everyone and everything in my life. Thinking back, it's difficult to understand how I let it get that far. And why I didn't do anything about it sooner.
But I also wonder what job I can possible find that won't have that effect on me. Maybe it wasn't the job? Maybe it's me. Maybe I feel some kind of entitlement to happiness that makes me bitter as soon as anything in my life isn't going the way I want it to?
I have to admit, I love being lazy. Well, I guess that isn't true. I love procrastinating, by doing just about anything except the one (or ten) thing(s) I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not actually lazy, because I'm usually busy - just not with whatever it is I'm supposed to be busy with.
Right now I should be working on a presentation. Actually I was supposed to have the afternoon off, but I'm staying at work instead to catch up on some things I should have already managed to finish this week, and probably would have, had I put my mind to it. Is it as frustrating for you to read that as it is for me to write it? Don't you just want to hit me over the head with a two-by-four and tell me to just get on with it?
I remember reading somewhere that people who procrastinate do it because they have a need for instant gratification. When faced with a cake with a cherry on it, they eat the cherry first, then the cake. Apparently, "healthy"/"normal" people are people who learned the concept of delayed gratification. These people are capable of getting the "chores" over with first, leaving them with masses of time for the fun stuff.
Us procrastinators for some reason have a problem with delayed gratification. We always want to do the most fun things first - but are also obliged to do the "chores" - and we usually end up in some kind of half-arsed version of both, dragging along our string of chores like a kiddy's blanket, whilst guiltily indulging in something we enjoy more, but not quite getting completely into it because of the chores we know we really should be doing instead.
All that to say, I wonder if I was less of a procrastinator, could I get my work - whatever it is - out of the way quicker and have more time to enjoy the rest of my life, thereby becoming an overall happier person? Do I create my stress and unhappiness because I always put off the essential (presentations, budgets, strategic recommendations...) to take care of the urgent (phone calls, emails...) that in reality are not that important? I know I get a "kick" out of feeling efficient and reacting rapidly to people's requests, and that is my "instant gratification", but it's not what I'm paid to do, fundamentally.
And finally, I'm wondering how my new-found dedication to WW fits into all this. Because isn't food the most common form of instant gratification? And what else is a diet if not delaying gratification? Choosing not to eat the crisps or drink the wine in order to fit into a size 12 jeans by the end of the year is exactly what I have been incapable of doing up till now - at least not for long periods of time, and these past 6 weeks are definitely a record. Am I finally learning to delay gratification? According to this site, the ability to delay gratification is often a sign of emotional and social maturity... so is this all part of me (finally) growing up?
The Wikipedia page on deferred gratification relates the following tell-tale test of impulse control:
[In] the "gift delay," (...) children were shown a nicely wrapped gift but told they must complete a puzzle before opening it. Researchers then calculated a "delay score" based on how long the children held out. When independent examiners interviewed the test subject years later, they found that boys who had not delayed were "irritable" and that the girls were "sulky." In contrast, the patient boys were "attentive" and the girls "competent."
Hm... there's that sulky girl again. Well, if that's true, it really is time I do something about it.
I was kind of shocked to hear him say that.
I mentioned it to a colleague at lunchtime today, and she confirmed that other people at work had also commented on the difference.
Had I really been so grumpy and seemed so unhappy this past year?
The answer is probably "yes". Daily frustrations and stress at work just stacking up and compounding into a permanent ball of resentment against everyone and everything in my life. Thinking back, it's difficult to understand how I let it get that far. And why I didn't do anything about it sooner.
But I also wonder what job I can possible find that won't have that effect on me. Maybe it wasn't the job? Maybe it's me. Maybe I feel some kind of entitlement to happiness that makes me bitter as soon as anything in my life isn't going the way I want it to?
I have to admit, I love being lazy. Well, I guess that isn't true. I love procrastinating, by doing just about anything except the one (or ten) thing(s) I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not actually lazy, because I'm usually busy - just not with whatever it is I'm supposed to be busy with.
Right now I should be working on a presentation. Actually I was supposed to have the afternoon off, but I'm staying at work instead to catch up on some things I should have already managed to finish this week, and probably would have, had I put my mind to it. Is it as frustrating for you to read that as it is for me to write it? Don't you just want to hit me over the head with a two-by-four and tell me to just get on with it?
I remember reading somewhere that people who procrastinate do it because they have a need for instant gratification. When faced with a cake with a cherry on it, they eat the cherry first, then the cake. Apparently, "healthy"/"normal" people are people who learned the concept of delayed gratification. These people are capable of getting the "chores" over with first, leaving them with masses of time for the fun stuff.
Us procrastinators for some reason have a problem with delayed gratification. We always want to do the most fun things first - but are also obliged to do the "chores" - and we usually end up in some kind of half-arsed version of both, dragging along our string of chores like a kiddy's blanket, whilst guiltily indulging in something we enjoy more, but not quite getting completely into it because of the chores we know we really should be doing instead.
All that to say, I wonder if I was less of a procrastinator, could I get my work - whatever it is - out of the way quicker and have more time to enjoy the rest of my life, thereby becoming an overall happier person? Do I create my stress and unhappiness because I always put off the essential (presentations, budgets, strategic recommendations...) to take care of the urgent (phone calls, emails...) that in reality are not that important? I know I get a "kick" out of feeling efficient and reacting rapidly to people's requests, and that is my "instant gratification", but it's not what I'm paid to do, fundamentally.
And finally, I'm wondering how my new-found dedication to WW fits into all this. Because isn't food the most common form of instant gratification? And what else is a diet if not delaying gratification? Choosing not to eat the crisps or drink the wine in order to fit into a size 12 jeans by the end of the year is exactly what I have been incapable of doing up till now - at least not for long periods of time, and these past 6 weeks are definitely a record. Am I finally learning to delay gratification? According to this site, the ability to delay gratification is often a sign of emotional and social maturity... so is this all part of me (finally) growing up?
The Wikipedia page on deferred gratification relates the following tell-tale test of impulse control:
[In] the "gift delay," (...) children were shown a nicely wrapped gift but told they must complete a puzzle before opening it. Researchers then calculated a "delay score" based on how long the children held out. When independent examiners interviewed the test subject years later, they found that boys who had not delayed were "irritable" and that the girls were "sulky." In contrast, the patient boys were "attentive" and the girls "competent."
Hm... there's that sulky girl again. Well, if that's true, it really is time I do something about it.
The truth
“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me,” I was taught; one more lie among many. In truth words penetrate the unlidded ear and land in the spirit. Words carry hatred and passion and love and fear. Words have the power to shoot down and rise up. Sharp cutting words can whirl for years afterward like the rotating blades of a lawn mower.
- Louise M. Wisechild, The Mother I Carry
- Louise M. Wisechild, The Mother I Carry
Weight issues
I went out clothes shopping today. Something I try to avoid doing and would gladly never do if it wasn't for the increasing scarcity of suitable clothes in my wardrobe. And now summer's here, I really have been forced to acknowledge I just do not have enough clothes that fit me, are comfortable, look decent and don't make me look completely out of place in the hot weather.
Clothes shopping is basically the only time in the year that I see myself near naked in a full-length mirror. And I'm usually in for a nasty surprise, as I am confronted once again with my wobbly figure.
And today I suddenly realised: I have no self-image. As in: a mental image of what I look like to other people. I basically avoid mirrors, and when I do see myself, I try to concentrate on my face and hair, not so much on my butt and stomach. And I wondered: how is it possible for me to ignore the kilos of extra fat I carry around with me every day?
I suppose I had what could be called a revelation: I never developed a healthy self-image as a child. And I learned to just block any image I did have out of my mind, as it was never a pleasant one.
As far back as I can remember - around the age of 5 - I vividly recall my weight being an issue. I was taken to the doctor because I was "overweight" and used to sneak food up to my room at night. And from the same early age, I was constantly
told by my mother that I was overweight, that I shouldn't eat this or that because I would get fat. Food became a forbidden thing. With hardly a distinction between meal times and any other time of the day. And a consistent lack of consistency when it came to reinforcing any clear message: mum would bake cookies and let us eat the dough, but watch over the cookie jar like a hawk and remark that we would get fat as soon as one of us went to eat a cookie. There was obviously some invisible limit in her mind, between what we were "allowed" and what she saw as over-indulgence, but that line was never clear to me. Nor were there any clear rules about when we were or were not allowed treats. It is highly likely she made remarks about my weight at times when I was eating out of hunger, and at other times - when I maybe wasn't even hungry - she would offer a treat. In the end, I would take any treat on offer, hungry or not, as I wasn't sure if my next request for food would be met with a negative comment or not.
My mother's nickname for me at the time was "Miss Michelin", in reference to a well-known advertising figure made out of car tires.
And so began my ongoing love-hate relationship with food.
Today I realised, thinking back to old pictures of myself: I never was a fat child. I definitely wasn't skinny, but I wasn't fat.
But as a kid, at a very early age, I was taught to think of myself as fat. And to consider food to be a bad thing. Something to feel guilty about. And a way to punish myself or to defy other people.
I defied my parents during their divorce. If they didn't love me enough to stay together, I would disrespect their request for me to stay away from "forbidden" food. I gained 20 kilos in a year at age 10. A punishment to myself for not being a "good enough" reason for them to stay together.
I defied my boyfriend after he cheated on me. He didn't deserve a good-looking me, and I wanted him to see me hurt myself because of what he'd done. Food is a great way for me to hurt myself. I gained 30 kilos in 6 months (after losing 15 in the previous 4 months in the initial shock). A punishment to myself for not being "good enough" for him to stay faithful.
In between these 2 major traumatic experiences, my weight was actually quite stable. And, again, looking back at pictures at the time, I wasn't skinny, but I wasn't fat. I varied between a size 38 and a size 44. I wasn't a model, but I was healthy. Although the image I had of myself in my head was so warped, so negative, I saw myself as a huge blubbery person. And was constantly reprimanding myself whenever I gave in to any desire for food, perpetuating my mother's criticisms even though I was no longer living with her.
Today, shopping for my size 48-52 clothes, I realised I have no idea how to build a new image of myself in my head.
I am now severely overweight, and it is damaging my health.
I need to acknowledge my body as it is today, and make the necessary changes to get back to a healthy weight. And then learn to love myself at that weight, even if I still don't look like a model.
I actually don't know what ideal image my mother had in her mind all those years ago. I do know she still makes the exact same comments now as she did then, and still "allows" me to indulge only when she has decided it was ok to, whether I feel like it or not. Luckily I am not subjected to her influence more than a couple of times a year - and in every other aspect we have a very good relationship. But she has now turned to the next generation - my sister's son - and is re-enacting with him the same things we went through in our childhood.
Clothes shopping is basically the only time in the year that I see myself near naked in a full-length mirror. And I'm usually in for a nasty surprise, as I am confronted once again with my wobbly figure.
And today I suddenly realised: I have no self-image. As in: a mental image of what I look like to other people. I basically avoid mirrors, and when I do see myself, I try to concentrate on my face and hair, not so much on my butt and stomach. And I wondered: how is it possible for me to ignore the kilos of extra fat I carry around with me every day?
I suppose I had what could be called a revelation: I never developed a healthy self-image as a child. And I learned to just block any image I did have out of my mind, as it was never a pleasant one.
As far back as I can remember - around the age of 5 - I vividly recall my weight being an issue. I was taken to the doctor because I was "overweight" and used to sneak food up to my room at night. And from the same early age, I was constantly
told by my mother that I was overweight, that I shouldn't eat this or that because I would get fat. Food became a forbidden thing. With hardly a distinction between meal times and any other time of the day. And a consistent lack of consistency when it came to reinforcing any clear message: mum would bake cookies and let us eat the dough, but watch over the cookie jar like a hawk and remark that we would get fat as soon as one of us went to eat a cookie. There was obviously some invisible limit in her mind, between what we were "allowed" and what she saw as over-indulgence, but that line was never clear to me. Nor were there any clear rules about when we were or were not allowed treats. It is highly likely she made remarks about my weight at times when I was eating out of hunger, and at other times - when I maybe wasn't even hungry - she would offer a treat. In the end, I would take any treat on offer, hungry or not, as I wasn't sure if my next request for food would be met with a negative comment or not.
My mother's nickname for me at the time was "Miss Michelin", in reference to a well-known advertising figure made out of car tires.
And so began my ongoing love-hate relationship with food.
Today I realised, thinking back to old pictures of myself: I never was a fat child. I definitely wasn't skinny, but I wasn't fat.
But as a kid, at a very early age, I was taught to think of myself as fat. And to consider food to be a bad thing. Something to feel guilty about. And a way to punish myself or to defy other people.
I defied my parents during their divorce. If they didn't love me enough to stay together, I would disrespect their request for me to stay away from "forbidden" food. I gained 20 kilos in a year at age 10. A punishment to myself for not being a "good enough" reason for them to stay together.
I defied my boyfriend after he cheated on me. He didn't deserve a good-looking me, and I wanted him to see me hurt myself because of what he'd done. Food is a great way for me to hurt myself. I gained 30 kilos in 6 months (after losing 15 in the previous 4 months in the initial shock). A punishment to myself for not being "good enough" for him to stay faithful.
In between these 2 major traumatic experiences, my weight was actually quite stable. And, again, looking back at pictures at the time, I wasn't skinny, but I wasn't fat. I varied between a size 38 and a size 44. I wasn't a model, but I was healthy. Although the image I had of myself in my head was so warped, so negative, I saw myself as a huge blubbery person. And was constantly reprimanding myself whenever I gave in to any desire for food, perpetuating my mother's criticisms even though I was no longer living with her.
Today, shopping for my size 48-52 clothes, I realised I have no idea how to build a new image of myself in my head.
I am now severely overweight, and it is damaging my health.
I need to acknowledge my body as it is today, and make the necessary changes to get back to a healthy weight. And then learn to love myself at that weight, even if I still don't look like a model.
I actually don't know what ideal image my mother had in her mind all those years ago. I do know she still makes the exact same comments now as she did then, and still "allows" me to indulge only when she has decided it was ok to, whether I feel like it or not. Luckily I am not subjected to her influence more than a couple of times a year - and in every other aspect we have a very good relationship. But she has now turned to the next generation - my sister's son - and is re-enacting with him the same things we went through in our childhood.
Suicide line
I guess life is full of opportunities to test yourself, and it's up to you to decide if you want to be tested or not.
Before engaging in life-altering decisions about career changes and studies, I might have the opportunity to find out if counselling is something for me.
The first week we moved into our new place, I was looking through the local directory and a small ad caught my eye. It was recruiting volunteers for the local suicide helpline.
Apparently they train you, and ask that you be available about 5-10 hours a week to take calls.
I think I threw away the directory, I need to Google it, see if I can find it again.
Before engaging in life-altering decisions about career changes and studies, I might have the opportunity to find out if counselling is something for me.
The first week we moved into our new place, I was looking through the local directory and a small ad caught my eye. It was recruiting volunteers for the local suicide helpline.
Apparently they train you, and ask that you be available about 5-10 hours a week to take calls.
I think I threw away the directory, I need to Google it, see if I can find it again.
INFP
This is what triggered this existential questioning: our boss has discovered his - previously unthinkable - people management skills and decided to get us all tested and charted using the MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) method.
A few years ago, my sister worked at a company active in leadership management and they used MBTI in their workshops, so she'd already gotten me interested enough to try and find some free online tests at the time.
Well, there are loads of these test around, some more serious than others. I think I tried 4 or 5 different ones, like this one and this one (maybe I should mention I'm an online test junkie).
So, anyway, I took some tests and the result showed I was INFP.
An explanation of the different scales (I/E; N/S; F/T and P/J) can be found here.
But basically it means I'm a permanent resident of la-la-land. INFP's live in their own heads a lot, are constantly busy analysing emotions, collecting new information and delaying decision-making. When they do make decisions, they're gut-feeling based more than rational.
So, a couple of years later I was curious to see if the results of the serious, paid-for-by-my-boss test would be anything similar, and they were.
Of course, me being me, I began Googling like mad to find more information about my type, hoping I would find the answer to all my life questions in the results of this test. I guess I found a whole new series of questions instead.
On the up-side, I can pinpoint much more easily the things I actually really don't like about my current job (anything to do with planning, budgeting and arriving at work on time) and can see that it isn't just because I'm a lazy sloth, it's actually a perfectly logical characteristic of my personality type (how's that for a great excuse?).
But, I guess, more importantly, it's slowly helping me realise that there might just be jobs out there that don't feel like a constant struggle (and I thought that was just something you had to learn to accept - that's why it's called work, right?). Which is where the questions begin.
Question 1: How much faith can you put in a psychological test when you're making decisions that will determine the rest of your life? If the individual influences the result of the test, is it acceptable that the result of the test could influence the individual?
Question 2: How can I decide exactly what job is right for me? There's a world of difference - in my opinion - between becoming a writer, a counsellor, a musician or a priest. All of them are however recommended careers for INFP's.
Question 3: How can I be sure that I will enjoy this new career more than I enjoy what I'm doing now? Maybe the job isn't the problem, maybe it's all me. Maybe I'm just a negative person, a whining baby who will never really be satisfied with anything she does, will never really feel like getting up in the morning and never feel she's being paid enough for her precious time.
Question 4: What if this new career involves years of studies? Going back to university? Can I really consider that option? Should I try to find a short cut, and run the risk I won't be qualified enough? What if people don't take me seriously? What if the job would be ideal for me, but the people I'd have to work with are horrible? And why am I so scared to give it a try, when I've always been a risk-taker?
And all this time, I do have a new direction slowly forming in my mind. No idea how long it will last, though. I've been through so many career fantasies I've lost track: marine biologist, globe-trotting reporter, sexologist, psychologist, teacher, graphic designer, architect...
So, to become or not to become a trainer/coach/counsellor? And how do you go about it?
A few years ago, my sister worked at a company active in leadership management and they used MBTI in their workshops, so she'd already gotten me interested enough to try and find some free online tests at the time.
Well, there are loads of these test around, some more serious than others. I think I tried 4 or 5 different ones, like this one and this one (maybe I should mention I'm an online test junkie).
So, anyway, I took some tests and the result showed I was INFP.
An explanation of the different scales (I/E; N/S; F/T and P/J) can be found here.
But basically it means I'm a permanent resident of la-la-land. INFP's live in their own heads a lot, are constantly busy analysing emotions, collecting new information and delaying decision-making. When they do make decisions, they're gut-feeling based more than rational.
So, a couple of years later I was curious to see if the results of the serious, paid-for-by-my-boss test would be anything similar, and they were.
Of course, me being me, I began Googling like mad to find more information about my type, hoping I would find the answer to all my life questions in the results of this test. I guess I found a whole new series of questions instead.
On the up-side, I can pinpoint much more easily the things I actually really don't like about my current job (anything to do with planning, budgeting and arriving at work on time) and can see that it isn't just because I'm a lazy sloth, it's actually a perfectly logical characteristic of my personality type (how's that for a great excuse?).
But, I guess, more importantly, it's slowly helping me realise that there might just be jobs out there that don't feel like a constant struggle (and I thought that was just something you had to learn to accept - that's why it's called work, right?). Which is where the questions begin.
Question 1: How much faith can you put in a psychological test when you're making decisions that will determine the rest of your life? If the individual influences the result of the test, is it acceptable that the result of the test could influence the individual?
Question 2: How can I decide exactly what job is right for me? There's a world of difference - in my opinion - between becoming a writer, a counsellor, a musician or a priest. All of them are however recommended careers for INFP's.
Question 3: How can I be sure that I will enjoy this new career more than I enjoy what I'm doing now? Maybe the job isn't the problem, maybe it's all me. Maybe I'm just a negative person, a whining baby who will never really be satisfied with anything she does, will never really feel like getting up in the morning and never feel she's being paid enough for her precious time.
Question 4: What if this new career involves years of studies? Going back to university? Can I really consider that option? Should I try to find a short cut, and run the risk I won't be qualified enough? What if people don't take me seriously? What if the job would be ideal for me, but the people I'd have to work with are horrible? And why am I so scared to give it a try, when I've always been a risk-taker?
And all this time, I do have a new direction slowly forming in my mind. No idea how long it will last, though. I've been through so many career fantasies I've lost track: marine biologist, globe-trotting reporter, sexologist, psychologist, teacher, graphic designer, architect...
So, to become or not to become a trainer/coach/counsellor? And how do you go about it?