Sigh (Inner peace and the lack thereof)

I am at home alone tonight and trying to relax, but I obviously haven't quite mastered that art yet.

I'm surfing, half watching tv, after calling my mum and my sister and I'm fighting the incredibly powerful urge to get up and eat the fridge empty. Right now I'm contemplating reading a book or getting on the exercise bike or both at the same time.

And I feel anything but relaxed. I am so intent on "doing" something that I am constantly in a state of frenzy that only actually stops when I fall asleep. For some reason I believe food will help me calm down.

Maybe it would be helpful to write down everything that's going through my mind right now to justify eating: I want to feel comforted. If I eat I will feel calmer and be able to relax. Food will fill me and bring me to a safe, soft place. I deserve a treat because I've worked all day. The taste of chocolate will make me happy. I deserve to be happy. Eating chocolate now would be like giving myself a present. Not eating anything is refusing myself a pleasure and it won't make any difference. It's not like I'm going to lose weight this week anyway. I never lose much, even when I deprive myself all week. I'm going to stay this weight for the rest of my life, I'll never get to goal. I feel comfortable the way I am now, safe and protected. If I eat something now, I can just stay on the couch and get fat and never have to get up and I can spend the rest of my life feeling comfortable and drowsy. I can relax. If I eat I can ignore the fact it's really time for bed and the day is over and I don't feel I've achieved anything. After a day at the office I feel useless and I don't see the point of what I'm doing. I want my life to be meaningful and fulfilling and by eating chocolate I can prolong the day, then maybe I'll feel fulfilled. Eating chocolate will give me the inspiration to do something amazing instead of just getting ready for bed. If I go to bed now I'll have missed out on the opportunity to eat, I'll go to bed feeling empty. I won't feel comforted....

I urgently need to take up meditation (or medication?). I'm glad my yoga classes are starting again in a couple of weeks, that could be my salvation.

1 comment:

Nia said...

Hi, I found your page while Googling for the book "The Meaning of Life". I read this post and would just like to give you some encouragement in your journey. Please do not give up on yourself just yet. I'm confident that you can reach that goal that you've set for yourself. Don't settle for anything less because you deserve the very best. If you feel that you've settled into a comfort zone, that you're really satisfied with where you are, look deeper into the real reasons. It might be fear of truly achieving what you are capable of that is holding you back.

Yes, I've been reading Dr. Phil.. lol :)



Post a Comment